Newborn behaviour

Back in the day they also said you'd spoil babies if you cuddled them! Trust the modern pros.

A lot of the people making these comments didn't breastfeed or were told to take a different approach when they had babies. May even have had their babies taken off them in hospital and fed formula before they had managed to establish breastfeeding. Now they feel you should be doing the same. They also may not realise the pressure they are putting on you at a time when you are tired, have had a massive upheaval in your life and are trying to cope with all sorts of new things. Next time just try and shut them down: no, I won't be doing that. no, that's not the advice now. No, that's not what I want to do. Don't allow discussion or advice - unless you want to - unless you have asked for it. Tell them they should be supporting you and thinking about what is best for the baby - not what is best for them!

Who are these people who are more bothered about holding a baby than whether the baby is getting the nutrition he needs.

Stop the visitors. Carry on with the feeding.

Baby is absolutely tiny still.

It will settle down but at the month this is completely, utterly normal.

In some cultures the mother stays in bed for the first six weeks with the baby. They should just be feeding and sleeping

My youngest was exactly like this. He had horrendous colic and would only stop crying if I fed him (even if I had only just finished feeding him). It peaked at 6 weeks where I went 36 hours with no sleep and then it gradually got better and by 12 weeks he was a really happy baby who slept through. I really hope this is the case for you. Please be assured that you have done nothing wrong. A newborn needs milk, cuddles and a clean nappy every now and then and anyone who tells you that you're spoiling them is ridiculous

Also it sounds like some of your visitors are selfish idiots...

Totally normal. My now-9 week old was the same and it's really settled down in the last two weeks though she still feeds lots. Trust the experts, not ill informed friends and family!

Good for you op
you’re doing really well

i’ve just remembered….. I was on here years ago when dd was tiny looking for support and the magic answer to get the child to behave like these magical babies happy to be put down anywhere and go to anyone.

I was chatting on a thread with another mum going through the same and I genuinely could have cried (I think I probably did) when she revealed the baby she was talking about was her third and the other two hadn’t been this difficult. It completely validated my feelings and made me feel like less of an dickhead who shouldn’t be in charge of a baby!

Honestly, some babies just defy expectations of what should work. They’re just not interested in what the books say!

I can guarantee the people saying you're "spoiling" the baby,will be going "ohhh you're STILL breastfeeding???" When baby is 8 months old.

Tell them to fuck off then as well.

YOU CAN'T SPOIL A BABY.

He's literally days old, let him have your boob and a million cuddles.

Had a quick scan through and not seen anyone mention it, but it's possible your baby has some sort of intolerance or allergy which could be causing the wind and reflux. I would consider trying to eliminate some of the most common allergens from your diet one at a time to see if you see any improvement.

I do agree with everyone else that this can be totally normal behaviour, but I'd still be looking to rule out allergies if you've already ruled out latch or tongue tie issues.

FWIW I exclusively breastfed my second, he would fed every 3hrs from day 1 (each feed took about 20minutes). It was like he'd read a baby book or something 🤣. However - he was exactly like my eldest who had been exclusively bottle fed from day 1 (a mixture of breast milk and formula). Also neither of my two had any issue being put down /being independent of me. But I know lots of babies that were the exact opposite. Responding to what your baby needs at this age is literally just that, responding to their needs. I'd lean into whatever makes your life easier, life with a newborn is hard enough and I'm a firm believer they come pre programmed to be velcro babies or not... it's not learned.

I'd also recommend (if you haven't tried it already) a stretchy sling. Personally I was a huge fan of my close caboo, even though my two were happy to be put down most of the time, I enjoyed carrying them and it definitely helped on any occasions where they were unsettled cause it allowed me to comfort them and get on with whatever I needed to get on with.

You haven’t created a monster and on your behalf may I tell all the well meaning visiting advisors to cock off?

your baby is behaving perfectly normally, it’s really tough for you but it is absolutely normal. Formula, swaddling etc are absolutely options for you if you decide to go that way but it’s ridiculous for anyone to think you haven’t already extensively searched for this stuff and for one reason or another discounted it. It’s not advice that’s so far out that you are unlikely to have come across it.

I had an absolute Velcro baby and it’s really hard to muster confidence when everyone around you makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You’re not, they’ve just had the kind of baby they had and you’ve got the kind you’ve got. It really is that simple.

I really regret how much time and effort I put into trying to get dd to behave in a way she just wasn’t wired to (still isn’t several years later). It made my maternity leave way more stressful than it needed to be. To be clear my dd is now at school and an independent child but still utterly and completely adores me, and her df, and her favourite thing is just to ‘be’ a family.

There’s something to be said for accepting the kind of baby you have and figuring out coping strategies for you. I think it gets much easier around twelve weeks and I suspect (without looking it up) this is around the time their vision becomes sharper and distraction becomes part of the arsenal you can use. Things like showering become easier because you can set them up in a bouncer in the bathroom in their eyeline.

it feels like there’s never an end in sight with your first (in my case only) newborn, but there really is and truthfully it’s time that resolves a lot of issues with babies. They develop so fast.

Ignore them.

You are giving your baby's breast milk and reacting to their needs.

You can't spoil a 6 week-old by being a fantastic mum.

The only spoiling that needs doing is you. Make sure those around you are helping you keep your strength up by making tea and decent dinners!

Fantastic that you've seen a lactation consultant, I hope you feel reassured you're doing exactly the right thing. 6 weeks is a classic age to regress and be unsettled/cluster feed... just be blunt with those that are not supporting you, and tell them that comments like this aren't helpful. If they want to help, they can fold washing, make a meal or just sit and chat to you. Baby will very soon be more alert, more interactive and spacing between feeds will get longer, so they can have their time then.

All totally normal for a newborn. He will settle into a routine when he's ready.

If he's refluxy and windy, you could try reducing dairy in your diet which may be bothering him at the minute and contributing to the wind and crying.

Yeah a tongue tie cut saved us but do it via a lactation consultant. The nhs wait list or advice just means you give up breastfeeding before it’s done.

1. speak to a lactation consultant (you can Google or look on your local Facebook breastfeeding group)
2. stop caring that visitors are disappointed. Sorry, you’re not there to entertain them. You’re feeding a tiny baby who shouldn’t go hungry.

I second what others have said - too often tongue ties are written off by health professionals but actually can quietly be causing lots of issues. If you can, I recommend looking up a IBCLC certified lactation consultant and having the tongue tie looked at/released. Good luck!

Please look for a lactation consultant to get advice and support as what you are being told by the people around you (although probably well meaning) is incorrect.
Babies that small are meant to feed often and want to be close to their mother.
You said that ‘visitors are disappointed that the baby feeds non stop’…….it’s madness to care more about other people’s feelings than your needs and your baby’s.
Please seek professional advice as the breastfeeding relationship (for moms who choose and can breastfeed) is so precious.
I would have given up a few weeks into postpartum if it wasn’t for a lovely lactation consultant that helped me understand how it all works.
Good luck op! 🤞

On the swaddling, it worked really well with breastfed ds. He liked being swaddled and slept a lot better that way. Breastfed dd hated it, and wouldn't sleep at all like that. You just have to work with the baby you have and what they like and need.

Also just to say weight gain was the reason why our ds tt wasn't cut but then as he got bigger he couldn't feed efficiently enough and had huge weight loss. It can also cause issue in future with speech and language development so honestly I'd recommend looking at release privately.

And interestingly statistically mums who bf actually get more sleep than formula feeding mums so they must have been very lucky!

Clearly your support network is limited in terms of those who breastfed.

You can't spoil a baby by holding them, they are biologically programmed to want to feel close to mum because that's the safest place for them to be.

Babies in the first 6ish weeks will cluster feed (ds fed over 10+hrs some days) this is them practising their latch and feeding, feeding to get nutrition and comfort and building your supply as your body will only provide milk based on your baby requesting it through feeding.

Your visitors are not entitled to have a cuddle. They shouldn't be coming expecting to have a cuddle at the expense of your child's comfort and need to feed. They are being very unreasonable to expect this and are working off the 'norm' of a bottle fed baby who can be fed by anyone. I say the 'norm' because the UK has one of the lowest rates of bf globally.

Breastmilk is specifically designed to perfectly meet the requirements of your baby and be easily digested for a wee system that up until recently hasn't needed 'food' due to the umbilical cord providing what was needed. Its less 'heavy' if you like, than formula so it is digested much quicker and more efficiently so baby will look to feed more often. This is one of the proposed reasons why bf protects against SIDS because bf babies will wake more to feed during the night.

Ds really struggled with wind and reflux. He had a posterior tongue tie which was causing the issue for us. Have you had your little one assessed for that? They recommended we didn't get it released but we went privately to do it anyway and it resolved our issues. I also found that a soother helped ds manage the reflux and get his wind up because he relaxed while sucking. Your wee one might be continously sucking to get relief from the reflux. Keeping your little one upright for 20min after each feed will help and the wonky winding technique (you can find on YouTube) will help them get wind up too.

Noone in my family bf either op, so I got all those same comments. Even now at 10 months in (ds doing great) my mum will still be like- surely it must be time to start him on formula now?

The best thing I did was join a bf support group (la leche league) and I got loads of support and learnt so much and it was great because any issues we had another mum had already been through. I'm able to go to them with my questions now and it's really been invaluable because bf is hard and intense and when people you care about are telling you you're doing the wrong thing or it's time to stop etc it's very isolating and disheartening. You're doing amazing and you know your baby and what's right for them better than anyone. So next time someone gives you 'advice' just smile and say thanks and be glad you don't need to take it!

It's normal, my second fed for an hour slept for an hour until 9 weeks. It does get better.