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AIBU?

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Original poster

Coparent going abroad

55 replies

Digby22 · 28/09/2023 22:31

I have a reasonably amicable coparenting relationship however I have been very annoyed by something this week and I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

we share custody 50/50 with an understanding that if we have something on one of our days with our son we let the other know and give them first refusal to take over childcare duties that day. This week he went away for the day to the Netherlands so left at 4am back at midnight and left son with his mother with zero mention of this to me - despite the fact we talk daily? He never mentioned this? So I thought son was with his dad in the evening and he wasn’t. No safety issues or anything with his mother having him, and she would have 9-5 the work day regardless but I find it astounding that I was the only parent in the country and wasn’t aware and it’s made me deeply concerned about what else goes on I don’t know about.

I kinda lost it about this and I don’t know AIBU?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 28/09/2023 23:15

What would have changed if you did know?

Original poster
Digby22 · 28/09/2023 23:11

wellandtruly · 28/09/2023 22:50

YABU. He can do as he thinks fit on his days as regarding childcare, just as you can on yours. You are both equally responsible, and of course you have no right to know who is doing the childcare on “his” days. That’s up to him. However, it looks like the agreement on “first refusal” for childcare is perhaps breaking down and you both might need to discuss if it isn’t working for you both.

Edited

Why do I have no right to know who’s doing childcare on his days? Considering me and my ex speak to one another several times a day, I find it odd he never said. I give him the respect of knowing where his son is , I don’t know why it’s deemed okay for a parent to not know this. Not arguing genuinely would like it explained to me why I’ve no right to know what my sons doing ?

OP posts:
22dig · 28/09/2023 22:54

See I would agree with this if it weren’t for the fact we agreed to offer this to one another - and also we talk numerous times a day, I find it bizaare I wasn’t aware I’m the only parent in the country?

wellandtruly · 28/09/2023 22:50

YABU. He can do as he thinks fit on his days as regarding childcare, just as you can on yours. You are both equally responsible, and of course you have no right to know who is doing the childcare on “his” days. That’s up to him. However, it looks like the agreement on “first refusal” for childcare is perhaps breaking down and you both might need to discuss if it isn’t working for you both.

Antst · 28/09/2023 22:35

Nope, you're not being unreasonable at all. Of course you have to know who has custody of your child.

Of course you lost it and that was appropriate. If this continues to happen, you should look at the custody agreement. A parent who has to leave the country at the drop of a hat is not in a position to care for a child. It's not fair on the child to be shunted not only from one parent's house to the other's but also to a grandparent's.