Coparent going abroad

If you said to him so are we not doing the offer the other one time first if we are going out/busy on our contact? I need to know if that deal is off? What would he say?

@Doingmybest12 - it's actually really not that unusual to have first refusal when the other parent can't fulfil the terms written into custody agreements. I do, and it wasn't something I'd asked for. Basically juts means that neither parent can juts piff the kids off to whoever they want when they have the kids for their own convenience. The other parent gets first choice to say they'd rather have the kids, and if they have no objection then the kids can go somewhere. If you don't have a high conflict situation it's usually more a conversation if they are going to spend Saturday with their grandparent, just to let you know, than a more fraught conversation.

Not unreasonable in that you have an agreement to give the other first refusal. Unreasonable in that he organised suitable childcare during his time. Maybe he saw it as time with grandma rather than babysitting?

I think, if his mum was going to look after your son anyway that day, then YABU. All that happened was she looked after him a bit earlier than planned (whilst he was mainly asleep) and a bit later than planned (whilst he was mainly asleep).

If however he had to ask his mum to look after your son specially, instead of asking you (and she wasnt already due to be lookinf after him in the daytime), then yanbu to be a bit miffed hat he didnt ask you first, however YABU to be 'deeply concerned' over your son being babysat for a few hours by a loving grandparent and 'losing it' rather than just saying you would have had him and he can always ask you if he wants.

As long as your son is safe and well looked after, this is not worth rocking the boat for

Bit of a shit date.

More likely for work. Left early to get there for the start of the working day. Came home at the end of the working day.

He was just at work, but out for longer than usual.

If he'd left the child with a stranger, that would be an issue, but he left him with his mum.

He was there with a woman. That’s why he didn’t want tou
to know.

I assume anyway.

I think you’re being a little unreasonable. How old is dc? I presume grandma has looked after dc before so why the issue? I don’t tell my ex my whereabouts and neither does he with me. It’s a given the parent with care makes appropriate arrangements during their time.

I don't think it means he's hiding other things from you that you need to know. I think it might mean he wanted his parents to have his child for a change and not for it default to you.

What I find odd is the terminology of 'first refusal' for any additional child care needed. Ideally it would've been reassuring to know who is looking after your child but surely a grandparent can do that sometimes without you feeling you've been not offered the opportunity. It's usually a lovely thing to stay with grandparents. I can't see the issue is with the arrangements, I can see its unsettling to think your child is somewhere and then they aren't. But it might be something you need to get used to and you can have more privacy about your life too.

Bearing in mind you speak so frequently throughout the day OP, then in your shoes I would have expected him to mention that he would be out of the country but your child would be having a sleepover at his GP's house. So I don't think you're being unreasonable to wonder why he didn't tell you, and what other things he may have kept quiet about.

However, in saying that, I really am surprised that having separated, you seem to talk so often throughout the day. If things are that good between you, I'm wondering whether the relationship could have been saved, which presumably would have been much better for your child than the current situation?

I think you over reacted.

His mum was going to be looking after his son that day anyway - she just looked after him for a bit longer.

There will be battles you will want to fight and hills that are worth dying on. I don't think this is one of them. Save your energy, and the goodwill between you, for those things.

I have never commented on Mumsnet before but just had to come on to say this is so weird as I had the same situation happen today - did they go to the van gogh pokemon thing by any chance?

How old is your son?

It's your ex's choice what happens on his contact days. Perhaps it was nice for your DS to have that time with his grandmother?

YABU

I co-parent 50/50 with ExDH and it wouldn't even occur to me to be pissed off about this and if I was pissed off it would be that he didn't tell me where DD was in case of emergency, but not that she was enjoying a sleepover with her grandparents.

I think you need to accept that when your DC is with their other parent then you don't get any claim on their time. When DD is with ExDH, he will always give me a heads up if he's short on childcare but if DD wants to have a sleepover at her grandparents (who are happy to have her) and it happens that DH needs overnight care for some reason so he schedules a sleepover to suit his needs then I would have no issue with it.

My DD often had sleepovers with my family on "my time" (she's a teen now so sleepovers with family aren't really a thing now) when she was younger and it was usually something my family initiated by asking to have her, but I would always schedule it to my advantage wherever possible - so if my sister offered to have DD for a sleepover/day out and I had plans for a Saturday evening then I'd ask DSis if DD could stay over Saturday evening ... it's a mutually beneficial arrangement and I wouldn't expect ExDH to be annoyed that I didn't ask him to take over childcare as the sleepover wasn't "childcare" in my eyes, it was "family time that they asked for".

It's his custody day. He attached appropr child care. You're being silly

It is odd. He kept it secret deliberately. I wonder why. Maybe his mum wanted to babysit but he knew if he told you, you wouldn’t let her. Maybe he’s fed up with the talking several times a day and is trying to back off from that. Have a think. There’s a reason.

@Digby22 new to the site but already going by two different usernames? Bit odd!

Yes yabu op.

Stop telling him anything as he won’t afford you the same curtesy

Do you explain to him who’s looking after DS any time someone is babysitting for you?

@Digby22 @22dig are you aware you have replied in a different username to the original post?