To be raging angry over this

Well I definitely wouldn’t recommend having a conversation with her to repeat/ reinforce the same point!

Imv the best that can be done is to
Acknowledge how that might have made her feel, emphasise how much her dad does love her , and that he just had a brain fart moment (as we all do from time to time) and she shouldn’t look too deeply into it.

Sadly, that happens to a lot of adopted children. Either in words or deeds.

In this case specifically - it happened, it can be unsaid or unheard so what do you propose to remedy it then?

I think she meant it was ABOUT favourite not a "favourite conversation to have!!"

😂😂

Ha! Yes my daughter always asks me and it drives me mad but it goes along with other ridiculous questions where I can “choose only one”. I always say her brother is my favourite because he would never ask me such a ridiculous question.

She knows she is incredibly loved so it’s water off a duck’s back!!!

How bloody awful. This child doesn’t have another dad. Imagine telling someone they should
say this to their adopted child. Just because a child is a “step” doesn’t make them less in need of love.

The problem with the ‘joke’ approach is that in these particular circumstances it’s got truth written all over it, and the dd is old enough to see that. It can never be successfully passed off as a joke, ever. It’s more than just crass imo.

I use that one now mine are all adults but I've also always told all of them that they're my 'favourite' as children ... then one day, I got caught out 😆 'you tell us all the same thing!' - yes I explained 'you're my favourite first born, you're definitely my favourite middle child and you're my favourite youngest, my favourite insert name ... I love you all equally but differently because you're different people.

This is a standing joke in my house, I have three and they will always say … because I’m the favourite. I just laugh and tell them I dislike them all equally. I don’t understand how people can have a favourite child as they are all so different.

OP I would have a chat with him and explain how that joke fell flat. Maybe he could have a quiet word with your daughter and reassure her how special she is and that there are no favourites.

This.

What did he say when you spoke to him about it in private?
Has he attempted to make your DD feel better?

It is not a thing amongst adults (you hope!). But children bring this conversation up all the time. Very normal. It just needs to be immediately shut down by the adults

It is not a thing amongst adults (you hope!). But children bring this conversation up all the time. Very normal. It just needs to be immediately shut down by the adults!

You are not innocent in this matter - you allowed this to happen and then didn't address it immediately. If you feel for DD the way you say you do, it's time to have a serious discussion with your DP and make it right. This is your child and your responsibility - don't try to pretend you 'had to play it off as a joke' and cry 'it all happened so quickly'. Seriously, if you were looking for sympathy for your inaction, just don't - you have negated your DD's sense of self worth and confirmed that it's a joke for her feelings to be hurt. I feel so sorry for that lonely 10yr old whose Mum doesn't even stand up for her - disgraceful imo.

For all the people calling Dad a shit etc etc ... whilst I agree, it absolutely was not what the child should be hearing - he was asked a question and he answered honestly. Bluntly, yes but he was being truthful.

This is a very, very tricky situation and you shouldn't laugh it off, sit down and have an honest conversation with her.

Say 'I bet that hurt your feelings a lot, it doesn't mean that Dad doesn't liove you or care about you insert examples but, sometimes we love our own biological children just a teeny bit more, I love Step child don't I, but I love you and baby just a bit more.

Try and chat with your partner too, without giving him an earful, explain to him that although it was honest? He needs to consider if it was hurtful to child and give him ideas of what to say instead in this kind of topic/situation.

I'm wondering if Dad is ND? Is he always brutally honest?

Absolutely agree

Aww, what a shame that conversation happened!! Dp needs to ensure Dd feels loved and he needs to let her know how special she is. Does he realise how deep that was? Dont despair, It CAN be remedied with a lot of attention and kind words to her ( from Dp) x

I would never ever ever let a man speak to my daughter like that.. or make her feel so unimportant or third best.. just no..

Blended families eh! Someone’s always the looser

As a child I got compared to my sister. I felt I came out less favorably. So first hand I know that it hurts. I bet that my mother would be shocked tbh, but as a result Iworked so hard to treat my two daughters the same. It was inevitable I suppose that one got labeled ‘the favoured one’ but i know this was a bit of sibling teasing and came from a place where both were confident about their place in life. I think that the OP’s partner has some work to do now though. He has hurt his daughter. Surely it was meant as a joke, but actually it is not funny. Words hurt. He needs to tell her that he was stupid and put a lot of effort into proving this.

L similar to me My favourite was the one who hadn't given me any hassle to day of asking

So why the fuck didn’t you give the gormless twat a fucking earful there & then the poor child already has no biological father to care for her; now this twat says such horrid things in-front of her ffs grow a spine

She doesn't mean 'favourite conversation' as in who is most loved is their favourite thing to talk about in their house! She meant a discussion about favourites came up. Presumably DD asked step father whether she or the baby was his favourite and he responded as OP described.

I agree. Honestly, I think we give people the benefit of the doubt way too often. It’s not tactless ineptitude, it’s deliberately belittling.

They know exactly what they are doing.

I’ll bet he doesn’t make gaffs like this in the workplace, where it might actually impact him. Or when speaking to someone who he regards as an equal. I’m sure he’s much more careful with his words in those situations.

Just another totally avoidable situation where people want to "blend" families without actually thinking about how it impacts the kids. It almost never works out without someone (one of the children) being hurt.

Why is your daughter desperate for this man to be her dad? Because that's why she's begging him to tell her that he views her as equal to his own children. Why has she been allowed or encouraged to believe that this is the reality of the relationship she has with him? Because the two of you (or just you?) wanted to play make believe and pretend it was true. And yet again it's a child whose wellbeing is on the line.

If you're going to take the enormous step of moving a man into your child's home and starting a new family with him, these conversations should not be a surprise. It's surely incredibly predictable that your DD would feel uncertain and need reassurance with a new half sibling arriving. Did the two of you not talk about how she might feel and how she may view her place in the family? Or how your partner might feel about her with a new baby on the scene? Or how you and he could proactively address the changes to the family in a way that offers her security and reassurance? It's hard to imagine that all this emotional work could have been put in, for him to then make such a catastrophic balls up of this. People too often don't prioritise their existing children while they're busy playing happy families and this is the result. Poor bloody kids.

I'm sure it's been said but I'll jump in anyway. This wasn't a joke, it wasn't meant to be a joke when he said it. He wanted someone to feel small so he could feel powerful. He is testing the waters to see how much he can get away with and if you didn't push back against this then next time it will be a bit meaner. He is trying to put a hierarchy in place with your dd on the bottom.

Honestly I know it's easy for me to say I would leave if it were me, but I wouldn't feel happy with him around dd in future

Me too! Or I say the cat is my favourite....