To think I'm a controlling partner?

What a strange way to think.

You don't get married just to be a husband/wife/parent!

OP - how would you like to him have gone about it? Just telling you he is going out?

My DP always asks, but in the sense he wants to make sure we have nothing planned at that time, I'll often drop him off and pick him up to save of taxi fare!

And it works the other way around. We are still individuals who each has our own friends and at the same time we enjoy nights out together. It's a health relationship,

I think the main issue is how much you have going on. You need to come up with a solution to the care your relative needs. This isn't your DP's fault, he has a lot going on too. You both deserve some down time :)

If he goes out 2-3 times a year (is that right?) then I think yes you’re being unreasonable. Yes it’s normal to feel a bit miffed if you’re looking forward to a bit of a break and a Friday night with your DH. But give him a break if this is a couple of times per year. We are all restricted when our kids are little but doesn’t mean parents can’t go out separately including you. Every week, unreasonable, 2-3 times a year and you’re annoyed enough to post on here, yes you are unreasonable. I get it’s courtesy to let partners know you’re going out but no-one should be asking permission once you’ve left home. I don’t see what he’s doing wrong here, you should be telling him to have a good time and plan a nice evening catching up with a friend on the phone or an early night

Do you just have the one DC? Does DC go to nursery at all?

Stop enabling your parent who has refused care, and have a life and a marriage.

Your DH works full-time and looks after his toddler in the evenings and every weekend while you are off caring for your parent, through your own choice, and only goes out with friends a “few times a year” but you seem to resent that and to resent that he sees his parents at the weekend as he has an “easy life”.

It sounds like a lonely life and not much of a marriage.

You said your parent had turned down other care, what other care have they turned down?

Because as much as you love them, if your parent has turned down other help that is available then it's not your DH that has out you in this position, it is your parent.

Your resentment is being aimed at the wrong person. However because your parent has probably raised you with this feeling of obligation it's not easy for you to let it go.

If there is other help available and your parent is choosing not to make use of it, then you need to toughen up and start to step back and do less. Take some "me" time during week days and be less available for everyone else.

In my relationship any care responsibilities for extended family have been considered 'our' responsibility rather than mine for my side and his for his. So, if I were in your situation my DP would consider my caring in the same light as his job, a responsibility not a part of leisure time. If this isn't the case in your relationship I'd be lobbying to change it. Because it's highly likely when the boots on the other foot you'll be expected to help him with any caring he has to do.
As far as him going out is concerned, if you don't want him to go, say so and say why. Then you cam discuss it honestly as adults rather than saying one thing and meaning something else. It's not 'controlling' to want your partner to be around more to support you more. It might not be a reasonable ask, and thats what you need to discuss. But unless you're trying to stop him going out purely to excercise power, it's not controlling.

She has 'me time' she just uses it caring for her elderly parent.

If you actually want him to stop in and help just tell him. He may actually take your word for it that you're OK with him going. It may be he is a mind reader but if not just speak up you may find he's happy to be there fir you if you need him.

My experience of elderly people who actually need help with personal care, is that often they feel that the state should provide it and don't want to pay for it, because they feel that they paid their taxes all their life in the expectation that this is what would happen, when the reality is that above a certain threshold of assets (which isn't ridiculously high), people are expected to pay.

@Messymaker who is the 5?
Whilst I'm here juggling the life admin of 5 people and work alongside it which there is just an expectation to do.
Are there more dc than toddler?

@14blackcrows but the stress doesn't seem to be coming from dc? The dh works in week then has care for them at weekends?
The issue from what ive picked up is caring for the dp as well?

Its totally natural to feel this way. It doesnt mean you are controlling. You've said he can go. You've just got a lot on and are feeling stressed. Perhaps try and organise a break for yourself where you book in a day or even a couple of days where he does everything and gives you a little break?
I did this with my husband once when I was really burnt out. He booked the time off work a month in advance and had the kids etc.. I went to a local B&B and just slept and read and ate... you might feel much less resentful of all his free fun time if occasionally you got to relax in return. It dounds like he would understand which is why he's asking your permission to go out instead of just saying he's going... not because you are controlling but because he sees you are busy and stressed.
Its hard when you have kids and suddenly arent the fun carefree spontaneous person you used to be.. I really struggled with my first not to feel guilty for needing my husband to do boring things and asking him for help and saying 'can you be here/in at this time' etc.... I felt like the old easygoing me was lost and resented that the man can still be that playful person to an extent.. especially when I was breastfeeding and the baby was attached to me all the time. These feelings are natural. You arent controlling. Its not wrong to ask for help or to have your partner ask you if he can go out. Thats just respectful of him. Because he's aware you might need his help.

How old are they and what are their needs?you say basic tasks, do you mean eating/washing/toileting?

Do they receive appropriate benefits?

When dh looks after dc it's not for ME it's because he is a DAD.

No one is suggesting otherwise but you are just being fussy and miserable to say the weekends you work when he has the DC it doesn't count as him contributing in anyway because he might make it fun or include his parents.

It really doesn't sound like your DH swans off and leaves you to do everything all the time.
You literally say he rarely goes out with friends, 2-3 times a year at most! You also mention initially "he does his fair share" now it seems you've decided to put that on its head and say he doesn't.

The point is the same, your problem is not that your DH wants to see friends once in 3 months but that you are being a martyr and a slave to your parent. It isn't fair to blame that on DH and try to punish him for it.

It sounds like you resent your DH's good relationship with his parents but you expect him to accommodate your caring responsibilities for your parent.

@Messymaker I'm sorry to hear that but you really, really need to find an alternative solution which doesn't involve you doing everything. Is there literally no one else who can help, no benefits to be claimed, no money to pay for professional support?

@Messymaker I don't think you're taking on board what people are saying, which is that your burn out appears to be a result of the fact that you will not say no to your parent. They had alternative options for support and they declined them and chose to rely on you instead. Are you just going to let that situation continue, or are you going to tell them you can't give them as much time and support as they want?

I agree completely with this.

I'm afraid that your parent doesn't get to choose for you: to make you spend any time that is not with the kids or at work looking after them. There is an option to make "me time" and it's by not doing as much for them (because there are others that can do that).

This, you choose to spend your free time looking after a family member because they refuse other services that could do this task, so you think that this then gives you the power to decide what he is does in his free time?

If it’s an evening thing, why can’t he do bedtime while you tidy up the tea things (or whatever)

Then he goes out once the toddler asleep??

This is generally what we do. Whoever is going out somewhere won’t go til the majority of shit is done. So both parties get to ‘relax’ around the same time…

So become a parent and completely give up your social life? You do realise friends and hobbies and life outside of children is important for good mental health? The OP doesn't sound controlling but you certainly do.

It's not fair to expect your partner to have no social life because you have decided to prioritise caring for your relative above all else. Your relative needs to get care in and you need to not martyr yourself.

Who looks after the toddler while your working on weekends? Because if its your dp then he is working just as much as you just in reverse.

😂😂😂 this is a bizarre way of thinking to me.. people don’t immediately change personalities because they get married and have children. You can be a great parent and a fun friend

It sounds more as if what is making your life so hard is caring for,parents who turned down other help, so put that back to them and make boundaries around how much you can support eg one visit per week. Then make sure you and DP both get some time for yourselves as individuals and couple or you will both be so depleted. Regular babysitter? Plan something to look forward to.