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Original poster

Child maintenance - one night stand (back again)

131 replies

Roses121 · 28/09/2023 08:34

Not sure if anyone of you remember my post about claiming child maintenance for a one night stand I had. I’ve linked it here in case you are interested in the context.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

Just wanted some more advice because I really appreciated the comments (well, most of them) that I got last time. Since making that post my CMS claim was unsuccessful. I am considering hiring a private investigator but this post isn’t about the claim it’s about my sons father.

After I asked him for a financial contribution, after 16 months of nothing, he switched on me a called me a hoe and said he wants a DNA test as he doesn’t think child’s name is his. I told him that’s fine, but I didn’t hear from him again. This was in June/July I think.

Now fast forward to this week, he has messaged me asking ‘when are you ready to do the DNA test, it’s important.’ I responded with ‘happy to do it whenever you want’ since I’d already told him a couple months ago it was fine to do so I’m not sure why he used that word of phrasing as if it was me who was deleting it. Surely if it was that important he would have organised it 2 months ago when he brought it up. Anyway, he then said ‘can you drop me your address or somewhere for us to meet to do it.’ Ironically the whole reason why I couldn’t claim CMS is because I don’t have his address and he refused to give it to me so for that, and safety reasons, since I don’t know this man well enough to trust him, I am absolutely not giving him my address and having him in my home.

Just for context, he only asked for a DNA test after 16 months of contact and never questioned his paternity until I asked him for money. Like I’ve told him, I am happy to do the test but would much prefer if we could do it at some kind of test centre to avoid contact with one another. I’m not sure what his game is tbh. If he didn’t believe he was the father from the start then why not do this when he was born.

I’m confused as to his motivations and really feel uneasy about the prospect of having to meet up with him to do this. I’ve tried googling test centres but can’t find any local. If I meet him how will we do it? At the park?

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4851989-child-maintenance-one-night-stand?postsby=Roses121

OP posts:
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NowItsSpring · 31/10/2023 00:30

pantypant · 01/10/2023 13:07

No they can't do it separately from home. He could get any one of his mates to take the test it has to be done at an approved centre with both present so op can verify it's him

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You don't both have to be there at the same time. From personal experience separate appointments werr arranged via CMS - one for mother and child and a second for the child's father. Photo ID was required to confirm identity.

Salofrse · 30/10/2023 20:24

Do you have any pics of him? Someone will recognise him and know his real name, maybe even his real address possibly if they are comfortable giving it. I'd post a pic on Facebook, a community page for the area he lives in maybe? and just say "I'm trying to find this person, does anyone know them" it may be a long shot, but everything is worth a try

pantypant · 01/10/2023 13:07

Firebug007 · 01/10/2023 09:30

You don't have to meet him to do it, you can both do it from your own homes so not sure of the problem 🤷‍♀️ regardless forget the test that's his issue not yours, you need to get the CMS claim approved. Get a private detective, they'll track down his address in no time, get the CMS approved, if he disputes at that point a test will be ordered.
He's just distracting you and dragging it out by confusing the issue with a test now and wanting you involved.

No they can't do it separately from home. He could get any one of his mates to take the test it has to be done at an approved centre with both present so op can verify it's him

bellarosabella · 01/10/2023 12:57

Really, think good and hard about whether you want this person in your life.

So far he has insulted your child, insulted you, acted like a crazy person.

By making him pay you'll give him the rights too and he will be in your life for 18 years. The separation of getting the money, but not letting him see the child doesn't work, he will simply have those rights and might use them just out of spite.

Before you proceed, at least check if he has a criminal record. You don't know anything about him and he might gain access to your child, be able to take him for holidays etc.

Firebug007 · 01/10/2023 09:30

You don't have to meet him to do it, you can both do it from your own homes so not sure of the problem 🤷‍♀️ regardless forget the test that's his issue not yours, you need to get the CMS claim approved. Get a private detective, they'll track down his address in no time, get the CMS approved, if he disputes at that point a test will be ordered.
He's just distracting you and dragging it out by confusing the issue with a test now and wanting you involved.

SmileyClare · 01/10/2023 09:22

Oh blimey. He really is an arsehole.

Thank god you didn’t do a home DNA test (as I first advised!) haha.
He must have mates that would actually help him dodge a paternity test- how low is that?!

Well done tracking him down.

As well as not wanting to pay towards his own son, he’s kept you fooled from day one- likely he was still with his ex and didn’t want her to know.

I hope your claim is now successful and you and your lovely boy can move on with your life without him x

Original poster
Roses121 · 30/09/2023 23:51

He gave me a false name 🤡
I think the surname is a version of the surname he gave me, just in a different language if that makes sense.
But the first name is completely different so yeah he clearly didn’t want me to find out who he really is.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 30/09/2023 23:48

Roses121 · 30/09/2023 23:34

@Namerequired He wanted to buy a test kit online so I told him no either we go to a clinic or you do it through CMS and get a refund if he’s not yours.
He ended up getting angry and calling me names again. Said he never wanted our son and that he already has children. The way he was talking about my son pissed me off to a new level saying things like ‘this child isn’t my problem.’ I blocked him. 👋

He was definitely intending getting someone else to take the test then. Surely it’s in everyone’s best interests to have it done officially. I hope cms can contact him now. So did he give you a false name? Or was there a genuine reason for it?

Original poster
Roses121 · 30/09/2023 23:34

@Namerequired He wanted to buy a test kit online so I told him no either we go to a clinic or you do it through CMS and get a refund if he’s not yours.
He ended up getting angry and calling me names again. Said he never wanted our son and that he already has children. The way he was talking about my son pissed me off to a new level saying things like ‘this child isn’t my problem.’ I blocked him. 👋

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 30/09/2023 23:32

@Roses121 brilliant news. Too work.

Namerequired · 30/09/2023 23:26

I hope it works out. Has he replied in regards to getting the dna done officially?

Original poster
Roses121 · 30/09/2023 23:23

@SmileyClare I think I’ve found him! A post from her Facebook from yearsss ago has her referring to him as a completely different name. So I searched this name in the electoral records and found an address which matches up to the area he told me.
I became a bit obsessive with stalking today, especially since last night he sent me some horrible messages referring to my son as ‘this child’ and saying ‘tbh it’s your problem.’
Going to call child maintenance on Monday and give them this wankers details. 🥂

OP posts:
Bertiesmum3 · 29/09/2023 21:57

Rosscameasdoody · 28/09/2023 13:08

How is that a reason to allow him to sidestep his responsibilities ?

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No body said it was!!

SmileyClare · 29/09/2023 20:59

If you have his ex’s (mother of his dc) address then just give that address to CSA as his “last known address”

CSA have a claim open for you and are currently trying to locate him for you. You need to pass all information to them that might assist their investigation.

Namerequired · 29/09/2023 19:05

Roses121 · 29/09/2023 18:59

@Namerequired I tried to but the only way of contacting her was Facebook so I sent a message but she’s not read it and it’s been weeks. She was last active a few years ago.
I did manage to find her address because I was trying to figure out if he still lives with her, but I think I’ll scare her if I turn up at her house.

You could send a letter and include your number. I don’t think I would just turn up tbh. Unless you suspect he still lives there, in that case I would be checking it out.

Original poster
Roses121 · 29/09/2023 18:59

@Namerequired I tried to but the only way of contacting her was Facebook so I sent a message but she’s not read it and it’s been weeks. She was last active a few years ago.
I did manage to find her address because I was trying to figure out if he still lives with her, but I think I’ll scare her if I turn up at her house.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 29/09/2023 18:31

Did you ever contact his ex? She may not help you, but she may know what he’s like and have sympathy. Just because he says he pays for and sees his other children, doesn’t necessarily mean he does.

iamtuftyclub · 29/09/2023 08:44

make sure he does it correctly he could get someone else to do the test so the submitted DNA isn't his.

MrsMarzetti · 28/09/2023 21:33

hot2trotter · 28/09/2023 11:27

How does that compare?
Who says you have to trust every person you sleep with? Or are you just trying to slut shame her because she had one night stand?

Show quote history

Nobody says you have to trust every person you sleep with but surely you prioritise your own life over a quick shag ?

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 20:51

Medicdad · 28/09/2023 19:34

I know it’s only repeating what others have said, but your best bet it getting CMS to try and find him, they will contact him saying he has been named as the father of your child, and he is required to pay maintenance but that if he disputes he is the father then he can request a DNA and prove he isn’t and then he won’t have to pay. Obviously it will show he is the child’s father though and then he’ll have to pay for the DNA test too. This is a DNA test that will be done under court conditions requiring photo ID so he won’t be able to send someone else to do it.
Thete is no point you two sorting a DNA between the two of you as you won’t know it’s genuine and then you could go to CMS and he still denies it and you have to do another test through them.
Also, other people have mentioned that him doing the DNA test will then give him ‘rights’ to your child. This is incorrect, as he isn’t on the child’s birth certificate he has no parental responsibility at all. However, he could then apply to be added to the birth certificate which if he’s not really shown much interest is unlikely. But he could do this at any point anyway whether you apply fotr maintenance or not.

This is good advice. Particularly in regards to him not having parental rights if he isn’t named on the birth certificate.

A DNA test proving paternity does not automatically give him parental rights to access.

SmileyClare · 28/09/2023 20:19

Op this is so messy- I feel for you.

Id guess you were used and manipulated by a 35 year old man when you were just a teenager and he’s lied and manipulated you further: messing you around with secret meetings and saying he wants a relationship with your child?

Do CMS have a phone line? They could explain to you what you need to provide and the correct procedure to follow?

It seems clear from the info on this thread that you don’t need to arrange a test. You simply need enough info in this guy for CMS to locate him. They will arrange a test.

Whether you want to pursue this is still unclear. Could you call Womens Aid for advice? They might be able to help you decide what’s best for you and your child and what your rights are here.

Sholliedog · 28/09/2023 20:07

Everything @bellarosabella said.

I would honestly think hard about whether you legally want this man to have any rights to your child. I know it must be so hard financially but he sounds trouble. Do you want your child involved with this man? For him or his family to have rights?

LaurieFairyCake · 28/09/2023 19:57

Has he a car you can find on DVLA for £3?

LaurieFairyCake · 28/09/2023 19:57

Contact her and get his address/place of work?

I'd be leaving the kid with family and following him to find out where he works - hire a private detective? You need the money so it's probably worth it in the long run

All you need is to know where he works and then you'll get CMS (plus they'll then have his National insurance number to find him if they change jobs)

Original poster
Roses121 · 28/09/2023 19:56

@SmileyClare I think so, but why would he have that name on all his social media accounts tho it just doesn’t make sense 🤦🏻‍♀️
I know the area he works but not the specific address.
will definitely be firm with the test tho if he still wants to proceed although the fact that he’s taking days to reply is kinda pissing me off because it’s not something he can request again in a year or so when my son is older and more aware I think it’s a now or never situation tbh.
thank you for your advice.

OP posts: