THE MENTAL LOAD

I point blank refuse to do more than my fair share of thinking, planning or doing. Always have. I come from a country where it is a lot more fair, after 15 years here it still shocks me how much my British colleagues put up with. I say colleagues not friends because I can't be friends wity martyrs.

Everyone saying they "have" to do this or that, you don't. It's a choice. The end of that sentence is of course "I have to do X or Y will happen" (a child will miss out on something/nobody will have clothes or food"). And that is shit, but it is a choice. You caring so much what will happen if you refuse do do it all is what keeps you trapped. I wasn't brought to be anyone's skivvy or manager in a domestic situation so I simply refuse to do it. No arguments, no explaining over and over and over why it isn't fair (the preferred tactics of MN posters). Just stop. Take care of yourselves and let your useless husbands swing one.

I totally agree. Part of it is my fault for putting myself last. But why am I the only person taking stock of how much food is required for the day/week? Why am I the only person noticing that the milk is running low?

These threads are so frustrating. Stop being martyrs.
@Illpickthatup why don’t you communicate with your family about things like the food. They are not mind readers. It’s easy: ‘hey family, there’s only 3 packets of crisps left. Does anyone else want some or should we share a bag?’
’theres not enough bread/milk etc, how shall we split it? Does anyone else want something different for breakfast?’
You are bringing your kids up to be selfish and demonstrating that being a mum makes you a second class citizen. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I'm going to send this to my DH. I'm sitting at work, head is spinning because I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted right now but I'm thinking, I'll send it to him later so it doesn't put him off his work. Says it all really.

I was engaged to a man who lived in my house, couldn't hold down a job and contributed very little. At the time I was working 50 hours a week and travelling for work. I'd come home and the house was a riot and he'd be on the couch in his dressing gown eating sweets and watching Netflix. I blew up at him one morning because I was packing a bag to go away for work again. It was 12pm and he was still in bed. All I said was "Are you actually going to do anything today or are you just going to lie in bed all day while I go work to keep this roof over our heads?". While I was away he texted me to say he'd taken all his stuff and moved back in with his mum because he couldn't handle the pressure of being in a relationship.

This. I feel like I constantly put myself last. Even stupid things like if there's 3 packs of crisps left I'll leave them for DH and the kids and I'll go without. I ate dry cereal this morning because I used the milk and bread to make everyone else's toast, sandwiches, cereal and coffees this morning but feel like it's my fault because I should have gone to the shops last night but I couldn't be bothered because I was just back from my 3 year old nephew's party. No one else checked if there was enough bread or milk. No one cares or notices that I'm having to eat dry cereal.

I'm single at the moment but even in my last relationship of 5+ years when we didn't live together, the mental load fell to me for things we both did! 🙄

I don't think its that. I think its because men think if themselves first and women think of the family first. And its bloody hard to not think that way.

And also - because when women entered the workplace in large numbers in the 60s/70s, we never had a national reckoning of how domestic work would get done so women just put on a smile and said they could get it all done, with the help of TV dinners/wipe clean surfaces/domestic appliances

It was never a case of a home where one partner earned and one did domestic stuff turning into a home where both partners worked a bit and both did domestic stuff a bit, women did home stuff plus work.

Because women are often the instigators of commitment - marriage, buying a house, having kids, and because we push for those things we unconsciously think we should do more of the drudgery or the man might walk away

Because our mums did it and boys grow up thinking houses just run magically without recognising the work involved

Because nobody wants to spend their life doing domestic stuff so men just don't see it, with varying shades of that being deliberate or unintentional

Because women are judged more for a messy house, scruffy child or disorganised lifestyle than men are

Because mat leave/part time working/SAHM sets us up to take on domestic tasks and we never stop doing them

Because our society, on a deeper level, thinks men are more cerebral and above the grimy, greasy, shitty work that makes everything else possible because it's been that way since time began - even when we had mixed sex teams of domestic servants in big households, the men had the plum jobs and the women scrubbed the floors and got the skid marks out of the laundry

Because men do typically earn more so it makes sense for their time to be spent on money-generating activities and the recreational activities that make them better at their jobs

Because if you nag too much or push too hard he might leave and you'll be doing everything yourself then

Because we're told women are better at multi tasking although that's usually more a result of having to get on with it because no one else will do it

Because we're taught that femininity = selflessness and we should never put ourselves first

Just a few reasons I can think of

That isn't what the OP means though.
She's talking about the general day-to-day administration tasks which always seem to fall to the woman. Making sure there's food. Keeping on top of the washing. Replying to party invitations. Getting a present for their child to give to the birthday child.

The list is endless.

There are some people who plan and do a mullion things that are not necessary, they sign their kids up for 10 events a week, clean the house top to bottom, iron every single item, have to eat 100% from scratch. Then say the other person is not doing the same

So yes there are some useless partners but there are some people who can't say no to themselves or others

Bloody says it all

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I broke off an engagement and 7 year relationship over this. You are not unreasonable at all. I’d love to see stats around reasons men end relationships versus why women leave relationships. It appears most women I know who call time on things do so for this reason.

@whatonearthishappenin

I've just found this post after posting something similar.

I feel like I carry the mental load for the entire household and it's exhausting. I love my DH dearly and he's a great husband in every other way but I'm really starting to resent the fact that he can just go about his business without worrying that the kids have clean uniforms, there's enough food for dinners and packed lunches, the toiletry cupboard is stocked, etc etc.

He doesn't need to worry about anything because there's always food in the cupboard and clean clothes in everyone's wardrobe. No one ever checks that there's something in the cupboard for me to have for lunch or that my gym clothes are washed. I just have to fend for myself. No one cares.

It feel worse over the last month as my DSD has loads of different Xmas events on at school, a gymnastics grading and dancing show coming up so of course I have all those dates in my head and have to make sure she wears her Xmas jumper on the right day, has leotards washed etc etc.