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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to host christmas

40 replies

Puffinsandcreeks · 25/09/2023 21:49

DS is disgruntled because we don't want to host Christmas day. They hosted about 7 years ago, their choice. We haven't had them at ours.

This would be for their family of five, our family of four, and 4 - 5 other family members (maybe 6 at a push).

Our house isn't really big enough to comfortably accommodate 15 people or seat them for dinner. We also have two dogs (medium sized) and their three children are scared of dogs. We would put them (dogs) elsewhere as they never see these people so would become a bit excitable, but if we said "please don't go in X room because of the dogs" it wouldn't be respected and that isn't fair to the dogs, to the kids, or quite frankly, to us. They would be continually unsettled if people walked in and out and then we'd get nagged at if the children were scared (the dogs are friendly fwiw).

AIBU to not want to host? DH feels awkward as we have been asked if we will be hosting this year and I have said I don't want to. I'm happy to have everyone around for 2 - 3 hours, then go for a meal and go our separate ways, but I'm not cooking for 15 people, trying to squeeze 15 people in to my house, and shutting my dogs away in one room all day because of the hysteria the children descend in to when they see a dog.

OP posts:
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CeriB82 · 17/12/2023 09:58

my house is big enough to host yet i never do. (family live far enough thankfully but have had those who have long died over, one or two Christmases then i stoped as i just didn’t want them there)I never invite family over, only friends.

if people don’t want to host, just say so. I don’t get the difficulty in saying no to people. Were all adults. If they don’t like it, thats their problem isn’t it? Not yours. Have YOUR Christmas, not the one other family members want.

wronginalltherightways · 17/12/2023 09:49

Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:15

If your FIL hosts would her family be invited there?

Not our family, theirs would

But no, it sounds like you are doing your share, so it's not that! Maybe think about (if you haven't) inviting them over for dinner - not everyone, just the DSis and her family - sometime? Just to show willing to host them, even if it's not for Christmas.

I have done this a few times, they used to come but since their family has grown by the last two children, they have stopped. Last time I offered and they agreed, I asked if they'd be happy to bring a pudding as they had to drive past a supermarket as I had overlooked it. DBIL called me on the phone and called me a twat and said that they had no intentions of coming if I couldn't even be bothered to buy everything (I'd already prepared starters and mains plus got extra for the kids).

Being called a twat for asking them to bring a contribution to a large family meal would have led to me telling him I would consider that a 'win' then and that they were no longer welcome.

Your BIL and SIL sound quite entitled.

mrswhiplington · 26/09/2023 11:41

Can me and my family come for Christmas dinner instead? There's only 3 of us, all adults, we love dogs and we'd bring a pudding as well.😄

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 11:33

Absolutely you aren’t being unreasonable. You’ve said you don’t want to. Only response required. If she wants to be humpy, that’s her business.

Therealjudgejudy · 26/09/2023 11:29

I wouldnt have your rude af bil in the house, let alone but on a big Christmas do for him.

Your sister is just as rude

strawberry2017 · 26/09/2023 11:23

You should never have to put your dogs away for that long, it's their home and they don't understand. It's unfair that your sister expects you to do this.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/09/2023 11:21

Say no but offer to do a few hours another day with a buffet...so you can all see each other. And a dog walk.

Your sister is being ridiculous.

PandaPacer · 26/09/2023 11:21

I'm with you OP. I have steadfastly refused to host this year. For 10 years now DH's family have shown up, eaten, done the gifts and gone home. Not even helped with a single thing. Last year we were all exhausted so I told him that's the end. He is fully on side.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 11:18

I wouldn't want to eat with a BIL like that tbh, just tell her you weren't waiting for your turn and hosting Xmas day at yours is not going to happen.
Could it be they're short of money this year and are hoping to have you subsidise their meal?

harriethoyle · 26/09/2023 11:08

Jesus, your BIL sounds like an absolute chopper. Rescue at least two more dogs to make it as their-child-unfriendly as possible, to ensure he NEVER comes round again!!

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:54

If you say you can host a maximum of 8 people and the dogs will be roaming free, she will decide against it.

Yes maybe I should be as blunt as this to be honest

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 26/09/2023 10:46

If you say you can host a maximum of 8 people and the dogs will be roaming free, she will decide against it.

Goldbar · 26/09/2023 10:35

Based on what you've said, I would say no, DSis, I'd rather not spend my Christmas day around people like you.

NoGNoDNoClue · 26/09/2023 10:17

"Last time I offered and they agreed, I asked if they'd be happy to bring a pudding as they had to drive past a supermarket as I had overlooked it. DBIL called me on the phone and called me a twat and said that they had no intentions of coming if I couldn't even be bothered to buy everything"

Oh well, there's your answer! Cheeky sod can get knotted!

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:15

If your FIL hosts would her family be invited there?

Not our family, theirs would

But no, it sounds like you are doing your share, so it's not that! Maybe think about (if you haven't) inviting them over for dinner - not everyone, just the DSis and her family - sometime? Just to show willing to host them, even if it's not for Christmas.

I have done this a few times, they used to come but since their family has grown by the last two children, they have stopped. Last time I offered and they agreed, I asked if they'd be happy to bring a pudding as they had to drive past a supermarket as I had overlooked it. DBIL called me on the phone and called me a twat and said that they had no intentions of coming if I couldn't even be bothered to buy everything (I'd already prepared starters and mains plus got extra for the kids).

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 26/09/2023 10:14

Of course YANBU, you just don’t have the space. You have offered an alternative, your sister doesn’t want that, her choice. I think it is the height of CFery to expect someone else to host 15 people for Christmas, if she wants a big do let her host it.

Spareus · 26/09/2023 10:10

Say yes and though the dogs will not be shut in a room all day - take it or leave it!

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:08

*All the scenarios I've known, sibling discuss and plan to take it in turns to host the elderly relatives to make sure they're not left alone.

Absolutely there's a sense of obligation, though it's not binding an absolute. And is adjusted based on how much space each has. The others then pull their weight accordingly.*

Ah I see. We lost our grandparents when we were quite young so no elderly relatives or relatives on their own. If this was the case I'd accommodate without hesitation (although the children being scared of the dogs thing still poses an issue, but IMO Dsis should start taking me up on my offers to help the children get used to the dogs)

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 26/09/2023 10:07

Stick to your guns. It’s stressful enough if you DO want to do it! No-one should be telling other people how they should spend Christmas.

talknomore · 26/09/2023 10:07

If your FIL hosts would her family be invited there?

NoGNoDNoClue · 26/09/2023 10:07

Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:59

Out of curiosity - when you go to Christmas at someone else's house, do you help out with cooking/prepping/clearing up?

I usually bring a starter and a dessert, and help with setting the table and clearing away. Will bring some nibbles too like chocolate or crisps and dip as we usually have things out to snack on through the day. This is just good manners IMO. DSis usually helps too but DBIL doesn't.

I was just curious because I could understand her perspective if she felt you were all take and no give.

But no, it sounds like you are doing your share, so it's not that! Maybe think about (if you haven't) inviting them over for dinner - not everyone, just the DSis and her family - sometime? Just to show willing to host them, even if it's not for Christmas.

Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 10:03

What do elderly relatives have to do with it?

All the scenarios I've known, sibling discuss and plan to take it in turns to host the elderly relatives to make sure they're not left alone.

Absolutely there's a sense of obligation, though it's not binding an absolute. And is adjusted based on how much space each has. The others then pull their weight accordingly.

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:03

Would you be interested in hosting drinks on another day eg Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? Something that works for you in terms of the space you have and time you have?
It might stop her asking and it’s nice to have a family get together.

I offered to do this last year as an alternative but they said no because they like to have the days around Christmas in their own home. My suggestion was nibbles (buffet style finger food) and a few drinks at late afternoon on Christmas eve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:59

Out of curiosity - when you go to Christmas at someone else's house, do you help out with cooking/prepping/clearing up?

I usually bring a starter and a dessert, and help with setting the table and clearing away. Will bring some nibbles too like chocolate or crisps and dip as we usually have things out to snack on through the day. This is just good manners IMO. DSis usually helps too but DBIL doesn't.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 26/09/2023 09:59

Would you be interested in hosting drinks on another day eg Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? Something that works for you in terms of the space you have and time you have?

It might stop her asking and it’s nice to have a family get together.