Uninvited from Christmas Day

Bs0u416d · 2023-09-25T18:01:19+00:00

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

overwhelmed2023 · 17/10/2023 18:38

I think that's fair. I mean your mum doesn't want your dog there and that's pretty much that.

Americano75 · 17/10/2023 18:06

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:46

The offending article.

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Oh, I'll look after him! Can't guarantee you'll get him back though.

theresnolimits · 17/10/2023 17:47

That’s great news. Well done for being the bigger person. In years to come, you’ll look back and have the satisfaction of knowing you made your aged parents happy and having no regrets. I admire you immensely for your ability to put others first.

MrsRachelDanvers · 17/10/2023 10:36

What a great outcome-something lovely to look forward to. Your dog won’t know-it’s a dog. Thank you for update.

DisquietintheRanks · 16/10/2023 21:10

Lovely dog. Good decision.

Imreallytiredandanxioustoday · 16/10/2023 18:45

Glad it's sorted. The dog is bloody gorgeous

Someoneonlyyouknow · 16/10/2023 12:36

Thank you for updating. And for being able to step back and decide what was important - spending Christmas with your (human) family. I have a dog but I'm ome of those heartless people who doesn't let the dog on furniture nor think he needs presents (he'll get the giblets after I've made the gravy)

Rosesandstars · 16/10/2023 11:39

Oops, should have read the thread. Hope you have a great Christmas with your family OP. I don't agree with your Mum at all but glad that you're going to have a nice family Christmas and you can treat your little (or massive!) dog when you get back.

Rosesandstars · 16/10/2023 11:36

Wow, I would be so hurt about this!!

Of course you don't want to leave your dog in kennels at Christmas and it sounds like he has been part of the family gathering for several years! If you talk to a sibling, can they appeal to your Mum about this? You definitely should at least have the right to a nice Boxing day with your siblings.

Nanaof1 · 16/10/2023 11:28

Bs0u416d · 15/10/2023 20:51

Thanks for all the replies. It was impossible to keep up with them all. There was some back and forth which was slightly more protracted than it should have been because we're all hot heads BUT I viewed a kennels yesterday and book in the offending hound in for the festive period. Mother will host the entire family (to her delight) and the whole thing has been put to bed. We've had a long face time this evening actually, sorting out who is cooking what. Ultimately, the dog wont know it's christmas (plus they will allow me to send along some wrapped gifts for the big day) and these family occasions with my aging parents are too precious spurn out of pride. So all is well in the world.

Oh, it sounds like it all got worked out! You had to give, a lot, but it will be worth it.

Thank you for the update as so many do not, and it drives me batshite.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/10/2023 22:08

I've never been able to turn a somersault in real life.
But I have just done a virtual one to celebrate your excellent outcome, if that counts?
Thanks so much for updating us.
But now I want to know what you'll be eating, and who's cooking what.

Original poster

Bs0u416d · 15/10/2023 20:51

Thanks for all the replies. It was impossible to keep up with them all. There was some back and forth which was slightly more protracted than it should have been because we're all hot heads BUT I viewed a kennels yesterday and book in the offending hound in for the festive period. Mother will host the entire family (to her delight) and the whole thing has been put to bed. We've had a long face time this evening actually, sorting out who is cooking what. Ultimately, the dog wont know it's christmas (plus they will allow me to send along some wrapped gifts for the big day) and these family occasions with my aging parents are too precious spurn out of pride. So all is well in the world.

OP posts:

bikewidow50 · 29/09/2023 12:28

I’m confused about the course of events here. Did your Mum ask you to find a sitter/someone to look after your dog over Christmas or otherwise approach this as a joint challenge? If not she is BU.

We had a similar challenge for a while - my parents have 3 dogs at home including one new one who is very anxious and aggressive around new people (and bit my DP two Christmases ago!) and we also have our own dog. However, each time we go to visit there is no question of our dog not being able to come, more just a discussion of how best to manage it! Sometimes we leave her in the car (with regular breaks out in the garden/usual walk routine etc) if we’re not staying overnight and if overnight, we have been trialling different combos of which dog sleeps where so the dogs don’t get wound up.

Having a difficult dog can be tricky for the human as well, she might be feeling guilty and being proactively defensive on this occasion to try to avoid any issues coming up but not having you there for Christmas at all doesn’t seem like the best solution for anyone in your family and I’m sure she will be sad not to see you! I hope you can encourage her to see a compromise can be found!

stayclosetoyourself · 28/09/2023 10:23

Mammadibambini · 27/09/2023 23:54

Hi I’ve read most of your posts. I’m sorry that you had to deal with such an upsetting and unkind approach to what seems like a simple situation. How old is your mum? Have you spoken to her again about this? Do you have a sibling you can speak to (I’m from a big family and there’s usually one sibling who would be best to broach a certain subject with one parent) perhaps your mum has given some insight to someone else?

I hope you can solve the issue. I know that parents do go a bit barking about Christmas in their old age. Excuse the pun.

To be fair the mum is only saying don't bring the Great Dane they are both as stubborn as each other!

BCSurvivor · 28/09/2023 10:17

I'm sorry, but your mother states that her two young dogs are scared of your great dane, which you want to bring for an overnight stay.
I really don't think your mother is being unreasonable here, for not wanting her two young dogs traumatised and upset - in her own house -by a great dane staying overnight.
Nothing to do with age.

Mammadibambini · 27/09/2023 23:54

Hi I’ve read most of your posts. I’m sorry that you had to deal with such an upsetting and unkind approach to what seems like a simple situation. How old is your mum? Have you spoken to her again about this? Do you have a sibling you can speak to (I’m from a big family and there’s usually one sibling who would be best to broach a certain subject with one parent) perhaps your mum has given some insight to someone else?

I hope you can solve the issue. I know that parents do go a bit barking about Christmas in their old age. Excuse the pun.

MerryMarigold · 27/09/2023 23:49

InWalksBarberalla · 27/09/2023 11:30

Since when is 72 not considered elderly?

Since 60 was middle aged. I'm 50 and there is no way middle aged!

Totaly · 27/09/2023 23:40

Thing is they will probably all get along great! You could introduce them all on a walk beforehand and go back and just manage it surely? Of course I understand, I am a total dog lover, but unless any of them aren't good with other dogs then the more the merrier?

How is that useful? OP isn’t the one changing the dynamic, her mother is.

Lookforthejoy · 27/09/2023 21:05

I don't think there is a problem with the OP's mother's mental state. Just a problem with the OP's sense of entitlement and the horrible thing about who dies first that she has admitted to saying to her mother. If you said that to me OP it wouldn't just be your dog who was disinvited and it wouldn't just be for the one event.

Josell12345 · 27/09/2023 20:28

Disgusting? Factual more like and as we get older its the sort of thing that Id hear off my grand parents. Brutal honesty with no filter. Not really that deep unless youre hyper sensitive.

Anetra · 27/09/2023 20:28

I understand this situation so much as my dogs react very badly to a family member’s dog. We constantly have to find work arounds and take turns in one owner’s dogs being left behind

OP to be blunt no matter the ins and outs or what happened before, you now need to a choice. You really only have two options

enjoy Xmas at home with the dog
kennel the dog and go to your mums

Josell12345 · 27/09/2023 19:48

Generally true but as she stated they all have dogs and they all have always brought them. Only this yr is it an issue.

BCSurvivor · 27/09/2023 19:20

I haven't read all the replies but I can understand your mum being protective over two new and nervous puppies.
She's probably been agonising for ages over how to tell you that she doesn't want you to bring your great dane to stay overnight at Christmas, knowing how offended you would be, and it came out blunter than it should have.
Christmas is such a stressful time anyway, let alone with having to worry about whether two over excited puppies may antagonise your large, albeit gentle, dog.

Jeannie88 · 27/09/2023 18:31

Thing is they will probably all get along great! You could introduce them all on a walk beforehand and go back and just manage it surely? Of course I understand, I am a total dog lover, but unless any of them aren't good with other dogs then the more the merrier? Xx

cruisebaba1 · 27/09/2023 18:06

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2023 23:18

But she isn't prioritising her dogs, because her Mom hasn't given her an option to come without them. She's just invited her.

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It seems that mum wants a quieter Christmas and has gone round it in the wrong way. I would just leave it at that for this year.