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AIBU?

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Original poster

14yo refusing to come home

134 replies

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 21:59

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

OP posts:
Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:18

”I struggle with cleanliness and instead of helping me, my mum screams at me that my room looks like it’s been burgled. The other night I’d been eating peanuts and fell asleep with them still in bed. In the middle of school I got a text from my mum with a photo of them, just saying wtaf? I feel so sick and scared, I know she’s waiting to have it out with me when I get home from school. It’s so stressful living with someone who thinks I’m disgusting and dirty. AIBU if I go and stay with my dad? He’s not perfect but at least he gets me.”

Beautifulsunflowers · 24/09/2023 22:18

Use this time to have a break from the endless arguments and stress.
As pp have suggested message her and let her know you love her. tell her she can come back any time, I bet she won’t last long there.

Going forward, if she wants her room to be a mess then let her. If clothes don’t go in the washing basket then they don’t get cleaned.
But the stealing and lying need to stop.

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 22:15

Oh and if she changes her mind and wants to come home to you, say No because she is so badly behaved and rude, and you aren't prepared to tolerate it any more.

That's your leverage for better behaviours going forward. Don't welcome her back with open arms.........be a better parent and teach her that actions have consequences.

Sprinkles211 · 24/09/2023 22:15

If he's an arse prepare for him to be trying to take the child benefits and stopping maintenance and chasing you for it. My friend had this it was an awful situation, hope she sees sense soon op

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 22:11

Let her stay at her Dad's OP. She has been totally disrespectful to you and generally an obnoxious brat.

Breathe a sigh of relief that she's out of your space. Make the most of it.

You don't think she'll come to any actual harm at her dad's do you? He's as much her parent as you are so let him do his share of the parenting!

vipersnest1 · 24/09/2023 22:10

^this is very good advice.
Leave the way open for her to return, but also let her realise where she's better looked after and cared about.
It's horrible I know, but you may well find she is back quicker than you expect.
Meanwhile, laugh quietly to yourself at the thought of him being a great parent, but also message your DD regularly so she knows you're thinking about her - keep the messages neutral.

endofthelinefinally · 24/09/2023 22:04

Thank him for taking over the parenting, the homework, the laundry, the cooking, getting her to school, etc.
Take a deep breath.
Tell her you are pleased she is spending some time with her dad, but she is welcome to come home whenever she wants.
Make sure you inform her teacher, head of year and HT.
Stop doing anything you usually do for her. Leave everything up to her dad.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:02

So far yes she’s been going to school

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2023 22:01

Is she still going to school?

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