14yo refusing to come home

Just bite your tongue. It’s been four days. She I’ll probably be home in a few more.

I was constantly in trouble for being messy, late, disorganised etc. Because I was messy, late, disorganised!

I needed help with those problems, not someone pointing out Id broken rules.

I was trying to show that perspective in my post.

My advice is to let her but to give her a way to save face.

Tell her you're sorry to hear shes decided to move put and you'll miss her enormously, you've built a close bond over the years and understand she now wants the same time with her dad. Tell her you'll bring a few bits over to last her til next weekend and of shes still set on moving out then you and her dad can have a chat about how to move all her stuff. Explain that it will mean that you'll need to change your working hours and pay her dad money so you'll need to downsize but will hold on for 6 months in case she changes her mind.

That way she knows she can safely come back and if needs be paint you as someone she feels sorry for to her dad. It's ok to be her excuse. At 14 she wont have the maturity to manage his manipulation and walk away because she realises she has made a mistake.

Ultimately you cant actually stop her. I'm sure a court would give weighting to her wants. So appear to support her decision and give her some easy ways to come back without feeling embarrassed. It's a fine line between giving her a way to save face and being manipulative yourself. The main thing is to let her know she is always sage and has a home with you, even if you end up sharing a mattress and moaning about mess.

8This is the part I can’t wrap my head around, just the sheer betrayal I feel by going to them because she doesn’t like my rules*

That's just teenage though, she's doing this because she can.

Just stick to your guns. She'll be back.

And I have tried and tried to help dc get better at being organised, but leaving rotting fruit and shit encrusted underpants lying around is, ultimately, a choice. One day, dc may well live with other people. They need to know how to do so.

Iwas a messy, chaotic teen nagged by parents.

It's way more stressful going to work all day and not knowing what fucking state you're coming home to. Where will the food be going mouldy this time? What horrors lurk under the bed? Dc can live in utter shit for all I care; when they're not living in the house I work my arse off to pay for.

I've got a really messy 14 year old and we've clashed so many times. She lives like a slob and I told her so more than once. And one day she sobbed & told me I made her feel gross and a failure ... and she was right! I was so annoyed that I'd forgotten that no-one should be made to feel ashamed in their own home. She's still super messy but our conversations around it are constructive, not aggressive and she tries much harder than she ever did before. OP I think if you give her time, she'll be back. Teenagers are so so hard, but they are still learning to function. God knows adults find it hard enough

That’s not what I asked you. You put up an over emotional post and I’m wondering why. You know nothing about the OP yet you made massive assumptions in your post.

It’s good she’s still going to school. Have you told them she’s with her dad for now? Hopefully they can keep an extra eye on her.

Does she know her dad reported you to SS? She stopped wanting to see him for two years, was that why?

Perhaps a break from each other will do you both good. I'm not sure what messaging her a photo of the peanuts while she was at school was supposed to achieve other than setting things up for an argument as soon as she got home.

Teenagers are often messy. It's not great but it's usually just a phase.

It sounds like you just need to show her that you're there for her. She can stay at her dad's if she wants but make sure she knows she can come home to you if she wants to without an argument starting.

14 is a tricky age. I'd say pick your battles and let the less important stuff go.

Because her dad will let her live in filth and has no rules.

You will surely be paying him CM though?

Sorry I just saw your update re CM. My mistake.

You can’t save your relationship with her by making her come home, let her live with her dad if that’s what she wants. Winning every battle no matter what is not a pleasant life to live for anyone.
She is not your pay check, you shouldn’t fight for her just for the money. That is cruel to her.

Why do you think this 14-year-old is refusing to come home?

As you’re clearly an expert on the subject please expand on your over emotional post on the initial post.

Yes, really.

Surely a 14yo will cost more than you’re getting in benefits? Are you going to lose a lot of maintenance money too?

As PP have said, wish them well and keep the door open. She’ll either behave for them or get bored and come back soon enough.

There is no way I’d have tolerated dirty rooms, laundry not put in a basket or the machine, lack of personal hygiene or stealing from siblings.

I’ve been through all of the above. It’s called parenting and you don’t need to be a push over to achieve a positive result. There is nothing in the OP that isn’t normal teenage behaviour. Feeling ‘sick and scared”? Really?

It's such a tricky age. My mum was a single parent. My younger brother went off the rails age 14. She went to hell and back with his drinking (no drugs back then), being excluded from school etc. My brother did managed to turn his life around and has been sober for over 20 years now. Largely because my mum never gave up on him. My brother even had a short spell on prison. I have a very rebellious 12 year old at home (my 14 years old is a joy by comparison). So our children all different. I do believe boundaries are important however I am sure your DD could also say a lot of the topic (teenagers always do). Are there any child therapists where you live to facilitate a mediating session? Even if DD moves back there will be further arguments unless you agree on boundaries. That's the only suggestion I can think of. I hope it helps