14yo refusing to come home

So tricky.

What does your DD know about her dad, and your feelings toward him?

My 14 year olds room is her space. If she wants her washing done she puts it in the laundry basket. I pop my head in and if it's a mess I tell her I'm not impressed and it needs sorting, she says OK and sorts it. I dont shout, scream, have fights with her. What's the point?

What was the issue with the peanuts? It wouldnt have bothered me at all. She is obviously worried about you kicking off to have gone to her dad's with the clothes on her back. I left home at 15 because my mum couldn't give me space, I came back as teens do, but I refuse to treat my daughter how my mum treated me it was intense and controlling.

I think its all about balance, and picking your battles. Its an awkward age.

As difficult as it will be OP you need to let her stay there until she realises it’s not great there or daddy dearest sends her home.

As PP has said thank dad for taking over for a bit and let her know where you are while also letting school know where she is and the situation especially should the issue of cleanliness should arise. Don’t bite and pick your battles

I can’t advise on the practical stuff more than other posters have, but emotionally you must try and remember that she is being manipulated and used as a pawn by two people who should be looking after her. They are letting her down big time and she will be back to her safety net (you) sooner than you think.

The stuff with her dad goes way deeper than her hygiene habits. Teenagers can be fecking horrible but she is not capable of understanding the levels of sinister emotional abuse at play - she really thinks this is all about peanuts. You are allowed to feel your feelings but she hasn’t betrayed you, her dad has betrayed her big time.

Perfect 😊

As other posters have said, I’m struggling to understand why a bag of peanuts in bed is such an awful crime.

OP, which hill do you want to die on?

I have been through the mill with my DC (now all over 18). One was particularly hard work.

Things that helped, a tiny bit:

Their bedroom is their space. If they are happy to live in a pig sty, that's fine. This includes peanuts under the pillow. Why does it matter if someone wants to live in a tip?
(Disclaimer: I am also untidy, and would be mightily pissed off if my DC started telling me to tidy my bedroom and that I was in some way morally defective for not doing so. My entire house looks as if it has been burgled, so I'd be a mighty hypocrite if I started to complain).
Shared spaces need to be kept tidy, if the tidy people in the shared space outnumber the untidy ones. If not, then they don't.
If she doesn't put laundry in a basket, it won't get washed.
Otherwise, hold your nerve. One of mine in particular flounced regularly to her father's house. It never lasted long because he was an arse. I never said a word when she came back, other than 'nice to see you'.
Sometimes teenagers will go to wherever the faster wifi is.
Don't take it personally, and don't nag about the unimportant stuff.

@Redrum22 why havent you shopped him for being on benefits when he is working? two can play at his game. Nasty of him to go to SS but you should hit back and hit him where it hurts in the pocket. agree that you need to leave her with him. ask if she needs clothes etc be ultra reasonable even though its killing you inside because she needs to see that the grass is not greener on the other side and she wont do unless she is there. when she wants to come back, because 100% she will, dont do the tiptoeing on eggshells and pandering to her that you will want to do. set the ground rules down about what you expect. if she is 14 and chooses not to wash and smell thats now up to her. a bit of tough love needed.

Can you expand on the peanut thing, op? What possessed you to text her "WTAF?" at school? Whatever the issue, you could have waited till she came home to raise it 😵‍💫
Weird that you were poking around under her pillow when you didn't wash her flaming underwear for a month.

and this is why we have a country of snowflakes.
lazy ass folk who take no responsibility for anything and no respect for anyone. and thinks the world owes them a favour.
let's all do what we want at the expense of parents/family and when we are called out for our mess cry ooh i'm scared and it will all go away. PLEASE.

It being neglectful and child needing to put laundry in basket are not mutually exclusive - both can happen at same time.

5 weeks tho. Thats grim for any parent to knowingly leave un-dealt-with. Even in the 80s

😂😂😂I should have tried that when I was a teenager - "Muuuuuum, you're so neglectful for not picking up my pants!!"

I’m beyond baffled at how this is a big deal

I thought this. OP would likely be appalled by my 17yo DS's bedside table "snack draw"

An opened bag of peanuts!? I’m beyond baffled at how this is a big deal… a bit odd yes but why is OO even checking under daughters pillow?
OP seems insane and DD is probably better off at her dads for now

Body doubling is a great technique, which is you being in the room.

Breaking tasks down into steps is super helpful, possibly with a timer attached.

On ADHD boards I’ve seen parents have positive results with using voice assistants to help like Alexa Routines.

It could say something like: You’ve got two minutes to pick up every single thing on the floor and put it on your bed. Go!

Now pick up the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. Sixty seconds and counting

Are there any cups or dishes which need to go in the dishwasher? Pick them up and sort them out and be back in three minutes for your next task Etc.

The theory is that having a robot giving instructions feels quite neutral.

There’s a useful free website for generating step-by-step to do lists called something like Goblin Tasks.

Hope something there is useful.

Frustrating though it may be, her room is her room and if she wishes to live in a skanky mess - it's her choice. Pick your battles.
My eldest DD was the same until she got a boyfriend at about 17. He must have commented and lo and behold, the room got cleaned. Weirdly, he didn't last long but the cleaning did. She now spontaneously cleans her own room and other areas of the house.

They do come out of the other side of being a teenager !

I think you have got really good advice here on letting her know that she is loved by you and welcome to come home. Leave it to him as long as you think he is a safe person. I am not all the way into the teenagers years yet so hope this isn’t unhelpful: but texting her the photo of the peanuts was only going to start a row. And that can put a wedge in your relationship. She needs to know that you support her and that you have her back. That your the person she can come to when life goes wrong. It sounds like she got mad and wanted to hurt you.

Unfortunately you can't force her to come home, so just have to make the most out of a bad situation. Likely she'll be back with you soon, but worst case, she'll have to live with her dad for the last few years before flying the nest. Worse things have happened. If you make a big deal of it, she might use moving out as a threat in future arguments.

I second what some wise post before said... when she asks to come home, set ground rules first. Eg - I expect you to spend 20 minutes every day cleaning your room.

In terms of laundry, get her to do her own at 14!

Where was her underwear?

Could you not pick it up and wash it?

It's bordering on neglectful that you didn't find a way to wash your child's underwear for over a month. Yes, she might be lazy. But you being a parent and doing the hard graft of parenting trumps that. Yours is a duty.

What do you mean you didn't see even a sock in the wash?

Do you not do her laundry?

I'm not for spoon feeding capable DCs but I think it's the norm to go into a teens room and take out the dirty clothes and wash them?

need to change your working hours and pay her dad money so you'll need to downsize

Don't guilt anyone, that is dreadful advice. Ultimately he is still her father.

I also think you need to pick your battles.

But what do you mean by help? I've tried many, many different things with my dc. The only one that actually works in standing in his room saying:"now do x. Now do you." But that's not actually helping him, because he'll forget tomorrow.
I suspect his idea of 'help' would be for me to do it for him. My mum's idea of ' help' was a binbag of my stuff on the lawn.

What did actually teach me? Going to uni and having no one to do anything for me.

I’m sorry for expressing an above-acceptable level of emotion in my Mumsnet post. And sorry for talking about myself when you asked what makes me an expert. Next time someone asks if they are being unreasonable I’ll be sure to remember that in no way is an alternate perspective an appropriate response.

Some strange replies here. As if any mother is just going to shrug and say oh well she was hard work so Ill just let her learn the hard way.

Thats not how parenting works. Any mum will be unable to sleep or relax if their child vanishes overnight from the home like this..

The replies here just sound totally cold and emotionless

Op id speak to a solicitor and be there at his house looking for her. Do you have othher adults who could mediate

YOUR past isn’t what the OP is dealing with! Most teenagers are messy, late and disorganised, the OP has offered parental guidance, her DD has stolen from other siblings and that behaviour needs to be challenged. Your earlier post was over emotional., this is not about you.