14yo refusing to come home

Your dd will soon tire of this. So will they. This is one of those moments when you need to step back and let them work it out. Remain welcoming and loving towards dd.

In the meantime please research about adhd in teen girls, I recognised your dds behaviour immediately as the same as mine. Same age. They need a lot of support and a lot of slack given.

Your dd will be struggling through the school day as it is, almost certainly overwhelmed with her GSCEs, the pressure and stress. I support my dd by helping her tidy up. Stay clean. We have strategies to deal with overwhelm, and I never shout. It doesn’t work. If you can see her lack of organisation and ability to care for herself is not to annoy you, but because she just can’t do it. It becomes too much. Offer help rather than tell her off.

I don’t do everything for my dd, we do it together. I make jokes and use humour about growing penicillin. Ultimately teens do need more from us if they have adhd. It’s so much harder for them.

Rubbish. What is with theses posts and excuses just 'because teens'.

This. Leave her there. She wants to act all big and clever so let her live with the consequences. A good lesson for her would be to see the grass isn't greener. And when she does want to come running back after the fun is over, only allow her back with rules and boundaries.

Google inattentive adhd and see if it applies. My mum used to go spare at me for things similar to what you have described - aged 50 plus we realised I have exec functions issues.

Hard as it is

sit back and enjoy spending time with your other children. Your dd will have been taken a little of your attention away and now you can give your other that attention

your dd is safe and warm, she’s not on the streets having run away and that’s a big consultation- you know where she is

for now your dd will be ok the novelty for them all will wear off though. It will not be long before your ex and his gf find the realities of living with a teenager very different from how they perceived it would be.

teenagers can be mercenary don’t take it personally
send her a text saying my door is always open to you. Text her once a week to ask how she is but leave it there

Does she have adhd ?

Hi Op

When DD does come back, I’d possibly work to also change how you react to and deal with these issues. As others have said, the only thing you achieved by texting her about peanuts (which is trivial) is that you made her anxious about coming home, nothing she could have done while she’s at school.

You mentioned she said she doesn’t like it when you shout at her. Do you actually shout at her for stuff like an untidy bedroom? If so, I think that’s too much. I am 35, my bedroom and whole house is messy. I have clothes on the floor. It doesn’t actually matter.

If the doing the washing is an issue, this is something that can be tackled in a calmer way once she comes back. And in the meantime I’d concentrate on making her aware you’re willing to react to issues differently.

I also moved to my dad’s for a bit at a similar age because of how much I hated living with my mum, and I was also worried about going home sometimes. My mum to this day, thinks she was perfect. It’s also really hard being in the middle of 2 parents that don’t get on, so i’d say cut her some slack and let things progress.

We have 4 teens. 14-18. I never go into their rooms
Unless I'm actively looking for something which is less than once a year. The cleaner also doesn't clean their rooms as a rule.

However the rule is if they want friends to stay over it has to be tidy. Sheets changed.

2 are very clean and 2 are tidy. 2 are fairly rank when it comes to washing. (Only 1 is both clean and tidy!)

The worst offender can only do a decent job if someone does it with him. It's like he just can't comprehend what tidy should look like. But it's just not a battle I will take on. In a bid for self respect for him I do make sure his clothes are ironed if/when he washes them.

It's not a betrayal. She is 14. She is acting like a 14 year old.

Does it really matter if her room is a mess? Do you need to go in when she is not there?

We all need a bit of space occasionally.

Texting her while she is in school is not appropriate.

You are the adult, act like it.

I'd let her. But her dad is now responsible for all her expenses. You pay the required cm.

When he has to start being a parent and it starts costing him money you see how fast things change.

I would send dd a text that you love her unconditionally and her home and bed will be always be here for her.

I would enthusiastically embrace the arrangement with her father. Tell him you are delighted he has finally stepped up as a parent, and you are going on holiday for a rest after 14 years of parenting alone and leave them to it.
Don’t do anything, say anything or intervene. He is doing you a massive favour in the long run. I would actually go away for a few days myself, you deserve the break.

Inform the school of the changes at home. Be honest about your struggles with her. Keep in close contact with then re attendance.

Don’t be heartbroken. She will be back. Disney Dad will tire of her teen behaviour soon enough as will his gf.

I wonder how long it will take for dad’s girlfriend to get fed up with having a 14yo around once the reality sinks in rather than just seeing it as a way to get one over on you. I would keep very calm, say she is welcome to come home whenever she likes and can show you a basic level of respect. In the meantime when does she want to come and collect her things. I would put money on her being back within a few weeks if that.

Let her know you support her, and that the option to return is there when she is ready to have a chat about how things can be improved and less volition at home. She'll either get bored there and come home, or she won't. But making sure she knows you're there is all you can do. And I wouldn't be surprised if he puts in a claim immediately for CSM from you.

Because 14 yr olds can be right little shits!

That's really helpful, thank you @Offcom

I don't get the big deal over the peanuts but it sounds like it was the last straw. Is it possible she is depressed? Most teenage girls would be obsessed with good hygiene at that age I'd think. Have you noticed her withdrawing and losing interest in things as well?

The untidy bedroom was a battle I decided to drop once my DC got to around 12/13, I put a laundry basket for dirty washing in their room and told them no laundry would be washed unless it was in the basket, collected it a few times a week other than that I didn't go in there just kept the door closed.

As for your DD moving out it's a difficult one but as PP have said she's with her dad and at 14 would get a say as to where she wanted to live, but as you say you feel upset especially as she had little or no interaction for a few years.
It's all so new her living with her dad and of course she's going to find it nice as will he until such times, if it happens that your DD slips back into her untidy ways and it starts to grate on him or his GF.

As difficult as it is for you and as long as your DD is safe where she is use this time for all those living in your household to have some breathing space things will calm down and who knows your DD may be back home before long.

Not to state the obvious but your approach hasn't been working so it isn't 'preparing her for life'. Sending the peanut photo during school was either trying to start a text argument; trying to upset her or trying to make her worry all day about your response rather than focus on school. There is no positive parenting reason for what you did.

Your DD has had lots of uncertainty. She's crying out for connection. Maybe rather than a peanut photo, you should send a message telling her you love her and asking her to come home. In the meantime read some books about parenting teens.

OP's child is 14. It's key to remember they are still a child and how OP handles this situation is something OP's child will remember. Teachers often see the parents behaviour reflected in the children. The child is 14 - only 14 and for all those that will jump on this and say that that is plenty old enough to know how to clean a room - sure. If you ask them to break it down, they know, but in the moment, when they're undergoing stress - parents shouting/nagging does induce stress - even if you don't think it does, it does cause the body to have a stress reaction, especially as their brains aren't fully developed yet, and research shows this doesn't happen until they're 25! So OP's child is still a near decade off brain maturity. Guide them through cleaning their room, stay in the room and do it with them - make it a positive activity and take away that negativity associated with the activity. Give lots of praise when they get things right.
Text your daughter and tell her this is your plan going through. And be strong enough to apologise. Tell her you got this wrong and you went about it the wrong way. Disciplinarian methods aren't the only way to get results. If you show you can be open and honest and big enough to apologise to her (not every parent can muster the courage to apologise to their kids when they have wronged them) then it will do wonders for your relationship with her - not only now, but as she goes through her teenage years and beyond. She will talk to you about her relationships - both platonic and romantic, her career plans, and other life plans. If not, she may keep you at arms length through lack of trust, or worse start to push you away.

I think sending her that text at school over peanuts was over the top. The fact she is now refusing to come makes me wonder if you often lose your temper?

She has experienced an insane amount of upheaval in her 14 years. She a teenager who also has tricky and troublesome family dynamics. She needs you to be her safe space and support her.

Remember she's young and has gone through a lot.