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AIBU?

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Original poster

14yo refusing to come home

134 replies

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 21:59

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

OP posts:
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users953269 · 03/10/2023 15:46

Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 15:29

@users953269 did you just come on here to argue? Because NOTHING you’ve said so far is relevant to anything being discussed.

Try my first comment for reference.

I was aghast at some of the earlier comments Re daughter feeling scared to come home but starting to feel less so.

I'll leave this now as despite having many similarities to your situation I don't wish to engage.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 15:29

@users953269 did you just come on here to argue? Because NOTHING you’ve said so far is relevant to anything being discussed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 15:23

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:09

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child. I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.

That doesn't make sense.
No one on here knows you so we are all just giving advice based on our experience and opinions.

Yeah hence the part when I said i come on here to get all angels… but it’s funny THATS the part of it you picked up on it…

OP posts:
users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:29

@BoohooWoohoo

I agree.
Forcing a teenager to do something, or anyone at that, doesn't work.

MoonShinesBright · 03/10/2023 12:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 12:17

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:09

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child. I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.

That doesn't make sense.
No one on here knows you so we are all just giving advice based on our experience and opinions.

Sometimes people in real life are too polite to say certain things so an anonymous forum gives you some other angles to think about.

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:09

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child. I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.

That doesn't make sense.
No one on here knows you so we are all just giving advice based on our experience and opinions.

CurlewKate · 03/10/2023 07:19

Back off. Make sure she knows she can come home whenever and without recriminations. And her room is her own territory- if she wants to live in a mess that's her choice! It's at about this age that the parent child relationship starts to gradually tilt towards housemates....

Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:42

Soontobe60 · 03/10/2023 06:35

And here lies the problem - you see it as a betrayal. She just wants a relationship with her dad.
If I’d gone into my DDs room and taken photos of it then sent them to her whilst she was at school she would have gone ballistic. It’s a massive invasion of her privacy.
Oh, and despite you saying you’re not going to pay him CM, if he goes via CMS you won’t have a choice.

Show quote history

If he went to CMS he’d have to declare he wasn’t actually on benefits as he is claiming he is, when he in fact is working 2 jobs and I have a sneaking suspicion he isn’t officially down as living with his GF so she can claim maximum UC as this is usually his style.
They also are unregistered dog breeders.
So if he calls CMS I will most certainly be calling HMRC 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:36

And for further reference, for those who commented on child maintenance, my daughter commented yesterday on her dad apparently saying to her that as long as she’s staying with him, he doesn’t have to pay me. Which further adds to his true intentions of the whole thing!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 03/10/2023 06:35

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:43

I won’t be paying him CM no, she’s been there 4 days.
And yes it was because of the report to SS that she refused a relationship with him for nearly 2 years, only up until recently actually and it’s been very very casual.
This is the part I can’t wrap my head around, just the sheer betrayal I feel by going to them because she doesn’t like my rules.

And here lies the problem - you see it as a betrayal. She just wants a relationship with her dad.
If I’d gone into my DDs room and taken photos of it then sent them to her whilst she was at school she would have gone ballistic. It’s a massive invasion of her privacy.
Oh, and despite you saying you’re not going to pay him CM, if he goes via CMS you won’t have a choice.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:25

Donotshushme · 02/10/2023 20:43

I'm glad she's home and that things are better op. Living with ADHD (if she is ADHD) is fucking hard but you'll muddle through it together. Just remember shes not doing these things to upset you.

Thank you! She’s admitted she does struggle with certain things and she’s not doing it to piss me off. I do still think her phone is a major issue (she has a boyfriend now too) but as long as she’s spending a few minutes before and after school straightening her room up and her washing is going in the basket I’m not going to put her screen time back on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:20

Islandsadness · 02/10/2023 17:20

@Redrum22 gently, if you want advice you're best taking all side from posters, which will be more use than lots of people agreeing with that the situation is hard.

For what it's worth, telling her she had to live with us in opposition to the advice you were given and where you seemed to be a few days ago. What changed?

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child.
I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.
The posts on the inattentive ADHD have been especially helpful and even though I’m not currently looking for a diagnosis, I am treating the situation as she has it and I need to change tact on how I approach certain issues with her.
As for ‘making’ her come home… we agreed together she would return Friday (10 days away from home) we would discuss things and enjoy some time together, just me and her.
Nothing heavy was spoken about. We went shopping for lots of nice smelling plug ins and Reed diffusers etc for her room, room was cleaned and sorted by us both. Anything that would fit into the washing machine was washed. We laughed and talked about stupid shit mainly. This in itself is HUGE progress, just enjoying each other and wanting to spend time together and not butting heads and her festering in her messy room on her phone.
This is her home, she’s my daughter, we are her family. I don’t want her not to be here. She can go to Disney dads all she likes but this is her home. She agrees with this. Said time away was needed but she wants to be here and visit there.

Comments about her feeling scared and being manipulated into agreeing to this incoming…

OP posts:
users953269 · 02/10/2023 21:18

@Donotshushme She was. My opinion.

Pottomous2 · 02/10/2023 20:46

endofthelinefinally · 24/09/2023 22:04

Thank him for taking over the parenting, the homework, the laundry, the cooking, getting her to school, etc.
Take a deep breath.
Tell her you are pleased she is spending some time with her dad, but she is welcome to come home whenever she wants.
Make sure you inform her teacher, head of year and HT.
Stop doing anything you usually do for her. Leave everything up to her dad.

This. Let them be a “family” and wait for her to come back - she definitely will! The shine will wear off fast.

Donotshushme · 02/10/2023 20:43

users953269 · 02/10/2023 17:45

@Redrum22 Did you mean to be so rude?

She wasn't rude.

Donotshushme · 02/10/2023 20:43

I'm glad she's home and that things are better op. Living with ADHD (if she is ADHD) is fucking hard but you'll muddle through it together. Just remember shes not doing these things to upset you.

users953269 · 02/10/2023 17:45

@Redrum22 Did you mean to be so rude?

Islandsadness · 02/10/2023 17:20

@Redrum22 gently, if you want advice you're best taking all side from posters, which will be more use than lots of people agreeing with that the situation is hard.

For what it's worth, telling her she had to live with us in opposition to the advice you were given and where you seemed to be a few days ago. What changed?

Original poster
Redrum22 · 02/10/2023 17:06

users953269 · 02/10/2023 16:56

@Redrum22 I've been following from the beginning but RE your latest post, I wouldn't tell her she has to stay with you, that will work in reverse.

And you know that definitely, do you?

OP posts:
users953269 · 02/10/2023 16:56

@Redrum22 I've been following from the beginning but RE your latest post, I wouldn't tell her she has to stay with you, that will work in reverse.

Honeychickpea · 02/10/2023 16:45

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:24

There is no way I’d have tolerated dirty rooms, laundry not put in a basket or the machine, lack of personal hygiene or stealing from siblings.

I’ve been through all of the above. It’s called parenting and you don’t need to be a push over to achieve a positive result. There is nothing in the OP that isn’t normal teenage behaviour. Feeling ‘sick and scared”? Really?

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Shaking and sobbing, no doubt. 🤣

Original poster
Redrum22 · 02/10/2023 16:04

Annonymiss123 · 02/10/2023 15:41

Is your DD still at her dad's @Redrum22?

She is home… she was going to go back to her dads today for the week but there are bus strikes on in our area and she wouldn’t of been able to get to school from there, whereas she can walk from our house.
She seems happy and wants to still stay there every now and then but (I pretty much told her) she’s staying at home.
Taking it day to day but things have vastly improved.

OP posts:
Annonymiss123 · 02/10/2023 15:41

Is your DD still at her dad's @Redrum22?

DoDoDoD · 25/09/2023 15:11

AnonAnonandAriston · 25/09/2023 10:26

They put it in the laundry basket like everyone else or it doesn't get done? Going in and getting it IS spoon feeding them

Show quote history

Every family is different, it isn't necessarily spoon-feeding to collect your teens laundry.

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