How we present ourselves determines how we are treated?

AgneathaForest · 2023-09-24T14:19:44+00:00

It is a well known concept, but interesting to see how it works in real life. I have a friend who typically wears rather plain but well made clothes, has long hair which she always twists back into a neat french twist. She is average height and good looking. She recently told me that after having her hair cut into a contemporary style she has noticed a swift change in how people respond to her when out and about (shopping, bank, restaurants etc). According to her, she is treated with less respect generally, compared to her old look. I thought this was really fascinating! I also noticed that when I am fully togged up in rain wear with my hood up and waterproof boots on (so that most of me is hidden), people are much less likely to slow down and allow me to cross a road, or hold a door open and so on. In ordinary clothes (say a summer dress for example) I have observed cars slow to let me cross far more often than when I am accompanied by DP. I think we barely realise this in everyday life, how society will make quick, unconscious judgements about us from our surface appearance, often before we can even open our mouths. When I am mostly visible with hair loose, people are noticeably friendlier and more accommodating. And I am presuming it is different for all of us, considering looks, age, gender, etc, but it does stand. My friend thinks that previously people considered her to be wealthier or of a higher status due to her hair and clothes. I was very young looking in my 20's and was definitely treated as if I was a teen, frustratingly. Anyone have any other examples of this?

Nevermind31 · 06/10/2023 16:01

I get much better treatment in shops when I have one of my fancy designer handbags with me. Regardless of what I wear.

Original poster

AgneathaForest · 06/10/2023 15:51

I forgot about this thread, some great contributions, thanks for joining in!

I am intrigued by the curly versus straight hair thing. I have heard this from a lot of women but rarely men. I have hair that is neither straight nor curly, so can't really stake a claim one way or the other, but having always been blonde and slim I will have been subject to being treated a certain way without ever knowing - as I will not have had anything to compare it to.

Haven't noticed much with clothing either, apart from traffic being friendlier and kinder if I present very 'feminine'.

I am so intrigued now too, about how I appear to other people. I have pretty much no idea and would be fascinated (and likely horrified!) to learn.

OP posts:

Anyotherdude · 28/09/2023 11:53

There is truth in the rumour that people make up their mind about 90% about you on the first impression.
That’s why my school drummed it into us to look well turned out in our school uniform (a very formal one).
I just dress for the occasion now - because I don’t want to appear to others like a fish out of water!

vlo · 28/09/2023 11:42

boringusername31 · 28/09/2023 09:41

When I worked in the UK, generally, if I wore my hair curly, I was talked down to a lot more in the workplace: with straight hair, I was treated with more 'respect' in meetings. Also, there is a definite rural/ urban divide - when I lived in the countryside, women were judged for wearing heels in the pub and being too 'dolled up'. In the city, if you go out without make up and wearing tracksuit bottoms to an appointment, you're really looked down upon.

Now, I live in a country where it's the opposite; even light make up is really looked down upon and you're not taken seriously if you wear it.

But some things are universal: when you're thinner, you get treated better and get more male attention (which is annoying) - even when its 10 pounds. Just horrible.

I’m wondering now what country you get frowned upon for wearing light make up!!

boringusername31 · 28/09/2023 09:41

When I worked in the UK, generally, if I wore my hair curly, I was talked down to a lot more in the workplace: with straight hair, I was treated with more 'respect' in meetings. Also, there is a definite rural/ urban divide - when I lived in the countryside, women were judged for wearing heels in the pub and being too 'dolled up'. In the city, if you go out without make up and wearing tracksuit bottoms to an appointment, you're really looked down upon.

Now, I live in a country where it's the opposite; even light make up is really looked down upon and you're not taken seriously if you wear it.

But some things are universal: when you're thinner, you get treated better and get more male attention (which is annoying) - even when its 10 pounds. Just horrible.

Redribbontable · 27/09/2023 16:02

I am a goth, well if others were to define me that's what I'd get. I just dress as me. Not an ostentatious goth but still goth. I find that lots of men half fancy me and half disapprove of me. Lots of women tend to blank me, I assume because they think I'm 'too cool/scary'. I'm just me and refuse to fade away.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/09/2023 15:56

Did you not read the rest of my post? I have never felt evaluated in a less than positive way - ever. Do you really believe that someone is judged on a hairstyle? As a receptionist of many years standing I never once evaluated anyone on what they were wearing or their hairstyle.

Yes, @givemeasunnyday I did. But as this thread shows, and the research supports, people do evaluate based on initial impressions and do it very quickly. So yes, I do. And not just me, but the scientific literature. But hey, you carry on as you are.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 27/09/2023 13:58

This thread has made me want to put a bit more effort into putting myself together, actually!

I feel so shabby now!

Just noticing another lady sitting across from me with hair beautifully put up.

sashh · 26/09/2023 03:05

SpaceRaiders · 25/09/2023 17:42

I've had several referrals over the years that have said "this well presented lady..." or similar.

Dd’s have had various SEN related assessments over the years and it always perplexed me why they’d refer to how they are presented. It implies if you’re well turned out, clean and presentable you can’t be struggling, which in my mind is completely ridiculous.

It doesn't mean just your clothes, it means 'She's put together, asks the right questions and understands the answers, so you don't need to dumb down for her"

Sorry for 'dumb down' I can't think of the correct phrase, but medics do explain differently to different people.

So to each other they might refer to a CABG pronounced 'cabbage'. Both know what this means.

For most people they will say it is 'a heart bypass', and others they will explain in more basic language.

stayathomer · 25/09/2023 20:33

Was just thinking as well how must of the richer people around here would never ever be picked up out of a line up as being wealthy- dress extremely everyday.

stayathomer · 25/09/2023 20:30

The largest pharmacy in town falls over themselves to serve you at the beauty counter when you’re dressed up/looking well, they look over you otherwise. It’s the reason I mostly shop online for beauty products. As someone says ‘The Pretty Woman Effect’!

EIMWDIEAD · 25/09/2023 20:27

I find I get treated differently according to my confidence levels. If I don’t feel good and want to feel a bit invisible I feel like I’m treated accordingly. Days when I feel more confident and happier I find I get more interaction from strangers etc. I think clothes can make you feel more/less confident themselves, so I think it’s less about what a person is wearing and more about how the person feels wearing the clothes/new style IYSWIM.

SoftPillowAllNight · 25/09/2023 20:13

Why is this even a surprise?

If clothes didn't make all that a difference then what is this multi billion $ global textile/retail industry all about?

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2023 18:41

SpaceRaiders · 25/09/2023 17:42

I've had several referrals over the years that have said "this well presented lady..." or similar.

Dd’s have had various SEN related assessments over the years and it always perplexed me why they’d refer to how they are presented. It implies if you’re well turned out, clean and presentable you can’t be struggling, which in my mind is completely ridiculous.

Maybe. But when you're my age (70+) it makes sense to pay some attention to look at least tidy and appropriately dressed else someone will raise the question of dementia.

SpaceRaiders · 25/09/2023 17:42

I've had several referrals over the years that have said "this well presented lady..." or similar.

Dd’s have had various SEN related assessments over the years and it always perplexed me why they’d refer to how they are presented. It implies if you’re well turned out, clean and presentable you can’t be struggling, which in my mind is completely ridiculous.

vlo · 25/09/2023 16:38

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2023 14:47

Sorry, I realised too late that that was rather a cruel post of mine. But yes, if you want to accelerate the process of not being an outsider, wearing the uniform might be something to consider.

There again, I live in a small town with a stable population. One of the "my family has lived here for generations" residents said to me "of course, he's not a local man, he's from Next Town" - Next Town being so intermeshed that there are arguments about where the boundary actually is. And after 30 years of living here and being active in local life, someone on the community facebook page, who's done voluntary work with me for 20+ years, posted "Dint isn't a local woman".

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wow 😯

Fistralstorm · 25/09/2023 15:19

Sounds like Cornwall

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2023 14:47

Chipsahoy · 24/09/2023 19:07

Wow. Previously I have been called posh. Very mild plain accent and always dressed up. However I agree, I am an outsider. Maybe I need to wear country clothes? I do when cleaning out chickens.. but when I’m out and about, I’m wearing my usual clothes.

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Sorry, I realised too late that that was rather a cruel post of mine. But yes, if you want to accelerate the process of not being an outsider, wearing the uniform might be something to consider.

There again, I live in a small town with a stable population. One of the "my family has lived here for generations" residents said to me "of course, he's not a local man, he's from Next Town" - Next Town being so intermeshed that there are arguments about where the boundary actually is. And after 30 years of living here and being active in local life, someone on the community facebook page, who's done voluntary work with me for 20+ years, posted "Dint isn't a local woman".

Lulasun · 25/09/2023 11:56

MarsandMercury · 24/09/2023 16:04

I think accent helps too, unfortunately. I don't dress smartly, but I notice (especially in medical settings) how attitudes to me shift when I start speaking, because I sound upper middle class and confident.

I have a regional accent but I learnt to drop it a long time ago whenever I'm at the GP's or hospital

Sorrytomoan · 25/09/2023 11:56

When I was 19 I bleached my hair blonde. Never had so much male attention in my life as I did when I was blonde.

Worriedaboutpp · 25/09/2023 11:45

I totally find this too and often switch accents, usually unconsciously. But weird when my social groups mix on occasions.

Coolblur · 25/09/2023 09:23

A friend of mine did a uni project years ago (mature student). She asked permission to use photos of friends so others on the course could try to determine what they could about us from our appearance alone. The one of me was in general everyday clothes. Apparently everyone thought I was a stay at home mum. At the time I wasn't even a parent, and I had (still do) a skilled, professional career. Although I'm now a mum, I've never been a SAHM, I've always worked full time and my career has gone onwards and upwards, I just don't dress like a typical 'career woman', whatever that looks like.
(No judgement on SAHM's, it's a choice I'm not in a position to make, despite apparently wearing the 'uniform' )

It was really interesting to see how people judge others on appearance alone.

FloralDerangement · 25/09/2023 08:27

TarquinOliverNimrod · 25/09/2023 08:18

Same. I highly doubt what I’m wearing has any basis on how I’m treated by my GP.

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It does get noticed. I've had several referrals over the years that have said "this well presented lady..." or similar. It's an indication (to them) of your mental wellbeing

TarquinOliverNimrod · 25/09/2023 08:18

Itwasntmeguv · 24/09/2023 16:04

I worry about your doctor's surgery, in that case.

I could turn up wearing a clown outfit and plastic red nose at my GP and they wouldn't treat me any differently than if I was in tailored work gear.

A GP should be consistent and unbiased. The quality of care you receive should never be conditional on how 'together' their patients are.

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Same. I highly doubt what I’m wearing has any basis on how I’m treated by my GP.

dimsumfatsum · 25/09/2023 08:12

I've only just come across this thread and couldn't agree more. I'm not white and on non-working days, I look like a scrubber and get treated like one. On my working days, I get a lot more positive attention and smiles. Sadly, weight plays a part in how you're treated by others too- I gained a lot of weight after having DC and found other (slimmer) mums wouldn't talk to me as such. When I lost weight, these same mums would smile at me. Bitches! It really got to me at the time but I suppose people only want to associate with others who're like them or who they aspire to be so... I'm okay with that now.