To not do school pick ups everyday?

tgodtaylor · 2023-09-23T09:04:28+00:00

My neighbour is a single mum to a 4 yo. I'm also a single mum to a teen and a 10 year old. She works until 5:30, for the first few weeks her boss was letting her finish early to collect him as he finished at lunchtime but soon he'll be doing full time and she won't be able to finish early. She's asked if I can pick him up as he goes to the same school as my 10 yo. The problem is, I don't really do pick up anymore as his school isn't far away and it's close to my teens school, he usually walks with him. She's also wants me to keep him here until she picks him up at around 6, she mentioned how he gets along with the 10 yo, they do but I don't think he'll want to be entertaining him constantly. We live opposite a field so when she sees DS is there she will send her child which DS doesn't like as he wants to play football with his own friends, not look after a 4 yo. He's going to secondary school next year so once that happens I think he's less likely to want to spend time with a then 5 year old. I do help her out at times with looking after him if she has an appointment and when he was unwell so she couldn't go out, I went out and got shopping and medication for her etc. What would you do?

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 24/09/2023 23:02

This is not your problem to solve, and you would be doing your own child a disservice if you say yes. You need to work around your own children’s timings and this set up would leave no flexibility for after school clubs/activities/play dates/homework/popping to the shops/out for coffee etc.

Temporaryname158 · 24/09/2023 22:57

She either earns enough to pay for childcare or if she doesn’t she’ll be entitled to universal credit in which case she can claim 85% of it back just like I do as a single parent

Pfannkuchen · 23/09/2023 17:57

She lost all the sympathy I could have had when you mentioned

when she sees DS is there she will send her child which DS doesn't like as he wants to play football with his own friends, not look after a 4 yo.

she's not a desperately struggling single mum, she is a CF.

For the sake of your own children, learn to say NO.

Original poster

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 17:50

She started her job earlier this year, previously she wasn't working and her child wasn't in childcare until last year when he started at the school nursery. During the summer holidays he was at a kids club which I think was only a few pound a week so not as expensive as a childminder would be. But I will tell her no. I also think if I said yes he would be here constantly trying to talk to DS/play with him and he's 4 so they don't have much in common apart from both liking football.

OP posts:

ChChChCherryBomb · 23/09/2023 16:37

What was she doing before now for childcare or has she only just started this job?

caerdydd12 · 23/09/2023 16:01

"Sorry, DS is walking himself to/from school now in preparation for secondary school in September so I won't be doing a school run anymore."

He isn't old enough to be responsible for a 4yo in the morning and surely the school wouldn't release the 4yo to your DS at the end of the day anyway so perfect excuse there. If she complains in any way just say DS goes to friends house directly after school or he has friends come back to his so not in the position to have a 4yo there too.

What was her plan next September when your son isn't even at the school anymore? Tell her to bring it forward instead.

WeWereInParis · 23/09/2023 15:53

It doesn't sound like this is a new job, so she must have been paying for childcare before now? Even with 30 free hours it's not cheap for full time nursery. If she could afford that, she can afford a childminder for a few hours a day.

And even if she can't, guilting you into doing it for free (every day, for how long? Years??) isn't the answer.

LittleBearPad · 23/09/2023 15:51

No. Just say no. Then keep saying it until she solves the completely foreseeable problem.

BendingSpoons · 23/09/2023 15:50

She can't afford a childminder? She presumably paid for childcare before he started school, so she is used to paying it.

MariaVT65 · 23/09/2023 15:47

Don’t be guilted into this OP. She is asking you to be free childcare. The rest of us pay for this, use family or change/cut their working hours.

It’s also rude of her not to consider that you may actually like to do things after school.

If she is that much in the shit then she should consider moving closer to family if they are able to help.

Callyem · 23/09/2023 15:40

I imagine she would also expect you to help in the holidays too. Say no and stay firm!

GG1986 · 23/09/2023 15:37

Absolutely say no! If you do it once it will be expected. You aren't her free childcare so she can work and earn a full time wage. Also your son shouldn't be expected to be responsible for her 4 year old, stand your ground.

slopsan · 23/09/2023 15:35

"This is not my problem to sort. I can't help". Repeat.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/09/2023 15:29

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

As a lone parent she can have up to 85% of her childcare bill paid for her, so "can't afford it" is basically bullshit.

benoticanarsed · 23/09/2023 15:29

Did you say you don't REALLY do the pick up? Just say you don't.

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 15:28

It's not your problem.

Why is she telling you all the excuses she has?

It's not your problem

You can have every sympathy but do not allow her to make it your problem to solve. It isn't.

What was she planning to do for the rest of primary school?!

TheGoogleMum · 23/09/2023 15:18

It's hard but it isn't your problem to solve. We chose a primary school with wraparound - even then it ends earlier than ideal (5pm) but other schools nearer didn't even have that. She has to change her hours or get a childminder to make it work. Personally I'm changing my hours to make it work.

ChChChCherryBomb · 23/09/2023 15:13

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

Sounds like she’s making up excuses so that she doesn’t have to pay for childcare.

All the wraparound care I’ve ever used finishes at 6pm.

Nevermind31 · 23/09/2023 15:12

Not your problem. And surely she had less child care now than before? I would be very very firm now, otherwise you also e d up with caring for her child during g the holidays…

penpep · 23/09/2023 14:49

Just say no! Not your problem! She will find someone else to latch on to.

Prinnny · 23/09/2023 14:49

Sounds like she’s trying to guilt trip you into it OP, you need to be honest with her it’s a massive commitment, she’s a proper CF to even ask!

Fallingthroughclouds · 23/09/2023 14:45

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

It's really rubbish, but it's just not your responsibility. She's going to have to find a way of affording a childminder or cut her hours.

BlibBlabBlob · 23/09/2023 14:32

Christ so she's waited until AFTER her son has started school to try and arrange after-school childcare? Which she can't afford anyway?

I mean seriously, what was she thinking would happen here?

OP please please do NOT sign up to be free childcare for 3-4 hours, five days per week. My amazing MIL does this twice a week for her daughter (my nephew is 6) and SIL is very very grateful and wouldn't dare ask for more! Plus of course she books him into after school club if MIL is away on holiday. And that's caring for her own grandson, not a neighbour's kid.

I feel for this kid so much, his life would be better if you DID say yes. He'd have some stability and be cared for properly when with you and you'd probably end up giving him dinner five days a week and helping him with his homework/reading and keeping him overnight when she had to 'unexpectedly' work late - including doing breakfast the next day and the morning school run!

But this is not reasonable. Not at ALL. And you need to say a firm no. Perhaps you are now WFH and can't supervise a young child, if you feel you need an excuse? And obviously your 10 year old is not going to be suitable for providing childcare either - and he absolutely should not have to.

I got into a slightly similar situation when DD was 6. Her best friend had a chaotic home life and was very happy at our house. We'd have her here for three days straight, I'd make sure she took a shower and fed her and helped with homework and read her a story at bedtime. I even bought her clothes and shoes when she didn't have ones that fit or they were worn out. But it was foolish of me to slip into that pattern because ultimately we were not her family and eventually this child's mother - my very CF 'friend' - fell out with me over nothing and started dumping her children on someone else instead. DD was heartbroken, and her poor friend had to cope with the upheaval and loss of her friend too. Don't be tempted to make a similar mistake!

forrestgreen · 23/09/2023 14:26

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

So what was her plan... just to pressure and guilt trip you into five years of unpaid childcare?

greengreengrass25 · 23/09/2023 13:45

No it's not on

What has she offered you for doing this?

It isn't a 2 way street