To think they could make more effort

Well said, @paulinewalnuts

On my schedule, even weekly would be too much. Weekends are precious to working people.

I agree tbh.

I care greatly about family children.

However, we have chosen to not have children and do not enjoy spending large amounts of time with them. I certainly wouldn't want to be getting involved with weeknight dinner and bedtimes.

Mind you if they live that close by once a month isn't much. I'm happy to see the kids once a week for a couple hours. But I chose to not have children because I don't enjoy spending extended periods of time with them, so I wouldn't choose to see them more often.

I don't understand why you have an expectation that your husband's twenty-something childless siblings should come over and help you put your kids to bed? And you haven't even directly asked, only insinuated.

They're your kids, you wanted them, and you can sort them out.

Imagine from their perspective - you moved near them and are now placing childcare expectations on them without them asking for any of this.

I also wonder if you would expect the same level of involvement from young brother in laws? I doubt it, for some reason.

Also, I'm an American living in the UK and this isn't a standard expectation that Americans have from their extended families.

Ignore the horrible posters @babymamaaa

However, I think the issue is that although they love their nieces and nephews, you're just at different stages of life.

I think @Dacadactyl has hit the nail on the head. While spending loads of time with family was normal in your family, it clearly isn't in your husband's family.

You keep alluding to your culture. Do you feel able to say what it is?

What’s ‘the other stuff’ that you want to pull back on? Just general texting etc? That’s fine - you don’t need to keep offering/suggesting, it’s fine to stop doing that.

However, I think you need to think very clearly about what it is you’re really annoyed about.

Is it that they don’t visit/ask about/care for the kids enough?

Or is it that they don’t visit/ask about/care for you enough?

You’ve got a few things going on - you’re obviously a bit older than them, and like it or not you’re in an older, more maternal role not a friends role with them. Going round to care for SIL etc, lending a supportive ear. They don’t see you as needing the same support because it’s not a friends-friends dynamic.

Then you’re also idealising your childhood set up - but even if you’re the same culture you grew up on different continents. U.K. and USA aren’t going to be the same. And what you loved as a child with your aunts and uncles is a different relationship to what your own parents felt about their SILs and BILs. You’re probably being a little rose-tinted without meaning to.

Also - hanging out with a single parent (particularly at the pub or a park, where you know you’ll need to be entertainment/other responsible adult) isn’t that fun when you’re childfree in your 20s. If your DH was around more and there was less implicit expectation of ‘work’ involved you might see them more (because 2x parents + 2x kids + visitors is way less full-on than 1x parent + 2x kids - you know you’re going to be on the hook for crowd control!)

Do you go over to the in-laws yourself with the kids? Do you visit them for tea, or pop over for the afternoon etc etc?

As I said if you bothered to read- it’s fine to pull back.

However, most, if not all, your posts suggest that you do things for them to get something back. Now that you’ve learned that’s not going to happen- you want to pull back.

Again, fine but being tit for that is childish. Doing things to be supposedly nice under the hopes of it obligating them to do something for you isn’t nice. It’s transactional.

you still refuse to accept that the situation you’re in has been caused by your DH. Instead it’s easier to blame your in- laws.

Ideally you need local like minded friends with kids the same age. Then you can go to the park with them do Halloween etc.

sorry but once you are through the small child stage yourself or you don’t have children it’s a big ask to spend chunks of free time with other peoples young (whiny dull) kids.

You sound like a petty teenager.

This is all so childish. If you don’t want to help them, feel free not to but quit it with the “oh they don’t come round and help me with wrangling my kids into bed so I guess I’ll have to stop helping them when they’re sick.”

Its tit-for-tat. You are more than welcome to withdraw from them but it seems that you do things with the expectation of getting something back. So you’re not being the kind and generous person you think you are.

It is also wholly unreasonable to expect that because your family dynamics are/were one way that their family dynamics will be the same. That’s not how life works.

You’re blaming them because you’re lonely but it’s your DH that convinced you to live there away from your family and has essentially absconded.

it’s not for them to fill a void in your life. You need to speak with your DH and stop foisting the blame onto his siblings for a situation they had zero say in.

Im childfree by choice and the last thing I want to spend my time doing is looking after kids. I adore my nephew but I like my once a week visits and that’s it. Maybe they feel similar.

Awww OP, bless you!

I think you're right to be a bit hurt. However, I think the issue is that although they love their nieces and nephews, you're just at different stages of life.

If they had kids tomorrow, they'd deffo be over more because you'd have that in common.

I'm finding it odd now cos i had my kids young (they're now 16 and 11) but our relations and friends are only just settling down to have kids in their mid 30s. Now we are getting invites to 3 year olds parties and although I love those kids, I just don't want to go! Sounds terrible I know, but I'm at a different life stage now and a 3 year olds party is just not where its at for me.

Just like when those friends and relations were in their 20s, they weren't coming to my kids birthday parties.

They don't have kids. They're not especially interested, they don't get what pressure you're under, they don't owe you help and it won't occur to them to spend their free time hanging out with their nieces because they are little kids

This from @pictoosh . They're relatively young. When you don't have kids, you don't know what it's like. I would have been the same at that age. It wouldn't mean I didn't like you. As I got older I would have been more involved.

It sounds like you actually want them to come see you to “help out” because you think they’re not busy and if they’re not busy their time should be helped “wrangling” your kids to bed.

Theyre 25 and 30, it’s obvious they’re not ready to settle down and probably do enjoy seeing their nieces once a month but they probably don’t want to spend time babysitting which is ok.

People want you to acknowledge you being lonely is your husband's fault not your in-laws, they don't owe you this.

Your husband however does owe you this, so start blaming him not others because it sounds like he's the selfish one.

But you won't blame the absent shitty father will you. Why are you done with them but not him.

And how do they respond?

So what's your problem with the siblings not visiting, surely you are getting support from PIL then. For the younger siblings kids really aren't that Intresting.

Still not answering about absent husband not being there I see, wonder why not.

Your underlying assumptions seem to be:

1. men are very important (especially if they have Big Important Jobs) and should not be expected to spend time looking after their own children;

2. women with children are somewhat important;

3. single childless people are not very important and should be at the beck and call of groups 1 and 2.

Not everyone sees it that way.

My sib in laws are super proud aunts and uncles and always posting pics etc of my kids. They absolutely adore them.

Ah. They post pictures on social media to look good, but don't actually follow it up by being proper aunts and uncles. I think that says it all. They talk the talk but don't do the do. I can totally understand why your expectations were higher than the reality.

You still haven't mentioned the parents in law. Do they visit?

They don't have kids. They're not especially interested, they don't get what pressure you're under, they don't owe you help and it won't occur to them to spend their free time hanging out with their nieces because they are little kids.

I read it from the point of view of a woman who lives in a foreign country away from her own supportive family. Her husband insists they need to live near his family but the disinterest from his family is getting her down and she misses being part of a bigger family unit.

I agree with both of these ^^

When you don’t have children it never occurs to you that parents need a break and sometimes crave adult company. Unlike other posters I think once a month isn’t very much, but I like and get on with family. If I had lived nearer my sister when her DC were small I would have been round every week, but that is me.

You don’t specify whether your DH’s siblings are male or female, which I think is relevant here. Most men just aren’t interested in small children, even family children.

My aunts and uncles practically lived at our house when we were little and it was a really happy time for everyone. I have amazing relationships with my aunt and uncle still. It's really quite normal in our culture.

I’m curious to know which culture this is @babymamaaa. It clearly isn’t normal in your DH’s culture. Also, you haven’t mentioned your DH’s parents. Do they ever visit? Also, what does your husband say when you tell him his family are unsupportive?

Young, single blokes with no kids have got very little idea of what it's like to live with and care for children. Do you go to see your husband's parents? Couldn't you call round to their house? Drop in on the way to or back from somewhere/ Ask if you can call in?

I wouldn't get too hung up on the notion of reciprocity. Very few relationships are entirely equal. The question is not 'am I getting out of this relationship exactly as much as I put in' but 'is what I get out of it valuable"? and if the answer is no, you are free to withdraw from the relationship.