Feeling resentful at sick DH

He's hard, hard work isn't he?
And a liar.
Couldn't be doing with him.

Sounds like the adventure holidays might be too much for him. There are a few options. You can find a nice compromise and holiday in places where he can do things that aren't as adventurous and you go off and do what you want (such as Iceland, he stays in the city and you go off and hike up the glaciers, etc.). Or you can do these holidays by yourself and then do a holiday with him that isn't as adventurous. Neither one of you should be holding the other back, he shouldn't be preventing you from doing these types of holidays and he shouldn't be so stressed out by them that he is anxious and feeling out of sorts.

Sounds like a proper PITA. LTB?

As a nurse for 35 years, I detested people being sick in MY off-duty in MY house, it was the ultimate affront. I sometimes worried that should my lovely wonderful OH get a serious/terminal disease I’d be awful and horrible to him, but actually since retiring a few years ago, I don’t think I’d mind it so much now.

He slipped a few vertebral discs over the years and because it always cost us at least £10K in lost earnings every time it happened, I’d look at him with his “poor me” face and just want to smother him with a pillow.

My sister’s also a nurse (as was our equally unsympathetic mother), and when her drunk husband fell down the stairs and needed to be taken to the A&E that she worked in, he faffed around complaining that he couldn’t bend his neck enough to get in the car, so she gave his head a savage shove, which did the trick nicely.

When they got to hospital, an x-ray showed he’d actually broken his neck when he fell down the stairs…

I suppose the moral of my post is don’t marry a nurse in the belief we’ll look after you beautifully when you’re ill. We’re not all angels.

One thing we haven't heard anything about is ... what would HIS idea of a great holiday be?

To be honest when you started talking about trekking at altitude in Nepal and snowboarding in Japan, I thought 'yikes'. Scary AF.

I was put in mind of that Miranda episode where Miranda and Stevie are desperately trying to keep up with a younger woman's idea of fun and realising they can't cope.

Maybe he's more of a 'National Trust property, nice museum, and a stroll down a picturesque seafront to a nice little tea room, after stopping in all the antique and book shops on the way' sort of person...

And I know that would apall many Mumsnetters but omg that is my idea of heaven.

Especially on a crisp autumn day...

He may be saying he’s “not really” ill because his illness isn’t stopping him doing what he wants, it’s stopping you doing what you want. He isn’t ill enough that he’s actually being sick, he’s “ill” enough that he gets to stay and relax in the room, normally with you there (and probably you sorting out anything that needs sorting). He may not realise what he’s doing. thinks he’s being accommodating and flexible by agreeing to these holidays that you love and, because he doesn’t really miss the adventuring bit of it, not realise he’s wrecking them for you.

I think you need to sit him down with a timeline of the last, say, four holidays and point out all the things you’d planned on doing that you ended up missing because he was “too unwell”. Than have a discussion about what sort of holiday he would actually prefer and start making sure you do those half the time and maybe go on your own for the adventure ones.

(This all presumes that this thoughtless behaviour of his is limited to holidays. If he curtails what you want to do in the rest of your life too, it’s time toreconsider the relationship).

Wow 😳

I mentioned to him tonight that he has been sick for around half of the holiday and he said ‘not really’.

@Champgal have you challenged his “not really” with the facts? Eg on Monday we went out but had to come back after 20 mins because you were ill, we then did not leave the hotel room until dinner time; on Tuesday you felt too sick to leave etc.? Maybe he genuinely doesn’t realise that he is ruining your holidays and needs it pointed out to him in black and white? I would flat out refuse to go on any holidays with him again until he acknowledges whatever his issue is and make a point of looking into booking my next holiday with a friend as soon as I got home. He cannot change his behaviour or seek help as the case may be if he doesn’t even accept that he has a problem. Similarly, you can’t expect a different outcome if you keep approaching holidays in the same way.

I went to Nepal about 5 years ago. The air quality in Kathmandu is genuinely terrible, and eating any sort of street food is a recipe for a seriously upset stomach. I went on a trek to Everest base camp, and loved it, but seriously suffered both going up and coming back down. I think you're being more than a little unreasonable here.

Make a diary and record every time he’s ill. He will be pissed off at you but then you have it in black and white

I couldn't be with someone like him, at home or away.
He sounds like a dramatic teen.
As for telling you to go back because he wants to, I'd be telling him to fuck off and I'll be back when I'm back.
The more you pander to him, the more he'll do it, so stop pandering to him.
In fact, don't even include him in the holiday at all. Let him stay home and be a mardyarse while you enjoy your holiday. Don't forget to send him a postcard.

I like the sound of stuff like this but have come to accept I hate the reality. I used to be in a relationship with a very adventurous person who wanted to be out windsurfing/trekking/wild camping etc all the time. I tried my best but a lot of the time I was uncomfortable and scared. I thought I should enjoy it and needed to try a bit harder, or if we just tried one more terrifying outdoor activity I’d find the one I actually enjoyed.

It sounds like your husband might be stuck in a bit of a similar dynamic. Maybe next time try booking a different type of holiday and see if he seems happier. You can always go kayaking down waterfalls without him!

Have you asked him what his ideal holiday would be?

You need to make it clear this won’t be happening again. What a disgusting waste of money to just shuffle around whispering.

The whispering etc would really give me the ICK

God, divorce him. He sounds like total bore and a massive man-baby.

It does sound like he has anxiety. Anxiety has a lot of physical symptoms and bevause of that, it can be hard to identify the root cause as a psychological issue. It is also common for people with anxeity to feel even worse if left alone as it is reassuring and makes them feel a little better if someone is there, but again they often don't have that awareness when they don't recognize it as anxiety.

I would suggest you have a friend or join a group to do your high adrenaline, adventurous trips. It seems he always is unwell and you are resentful so he just isn't a good international adventure travel companion.

You can do some local trips with him but plan your big trips without him. Enither of you are enjoying this so don't keep repeating it.

The responses here are interesting. My fil is like this, has terrible health anxiety but thinks he's actually ill and makes a terrible fuss about needing to go home and generally spoiling days out. When I posted about it here once I read told I was a horrible unsympathetic person but I'm glad to see you've had better responses that understand how bloody infuriating it is.

Your DH, like my fil, needs to get help for his anxiety. My fil won't, so we just don't see him much any more, about twice a year. It's his loss.

You're married to a selfish man-child hypochondriac. I would plan holidays without him.

I know some posters are saying he’s controlling (and maybe he is) but I wonder if it’s himself he’s trying to control rather than you (that’s if activity holidays cause him anxiety). When I was younger if someone wanted me to do an activity I didn’t want to do (but was considered ‘fun’) I would feel ill and probably came across as a hypochondriac. I can look back and see that I was trying to control my situation (but not other people).

My boss goes on like this. I don’t know how his wife puts up with it. Slightest thing, and the smelling salts are out…

He controls you well with his behaviour, doesn't he

Is this happening on other kinds of holidays like relaxing ones or just the activity type?

I'm now thinking this too. I felt very sympathetic to OP at the start of the thread (still do really), but my sympathy for him grew somewhat at this revelation.

I think trekking in Nepal is a lovely idea, but many would find it daunting, including me. When I find something that daunting it tends to trigger my irritable bowel problems so being somewhere where there probably often isn't easy access to decent toilet facilities (I find hole in the ground ones impossible to use now) would make me very anxious indeed.

Maybe neither of you are being unreasonable. Maybe the types of things you want to do while away on holidays are different. Maybe he would be better chilling on a beach or by the pool while you go trekking if you want to. Many times when DH and I are away we have days doing completely different things.

Also, don't underestimate the effects that even small differences in food can have on some people's digestion. I am one of those. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I love to try the food, and I do take medication for my IBS, but I often still can't risk being too far from a useable toilet.

I don't let it stop my DH or my DDs though. I'm happy for them to go out without me, or I might catch them up if I can later. Or I might decide to happily stay behind and read my book.

Just my thoughts.

To be fair, we don’t know if he also goes on these types of holidays with his friends or alone. It might not be that OP is dragging him along.

An activity holiday is an oxymoron in my world, but if I had a DP who wanted to do that shit, I would encourage them to go alone or with like minded friends.

Then I would find a holiday that held middle ground, for example, they could go hiking in the Dolomites whilst I stayed lakeside visiting cathedrals and museums and admiring the scenery.

I think we need more info from OP really…