Trigger warning - rape?

Ah yes, she said "no" but deep down she really wanted it.

FFS.

if something entered the vagina then it penetrated

where are people getting the ‘did not penetrate’ from?

Of course the police will ask questions. And the CPS wouldn't take this to court because there's no realistic prospect of conviction. The reason? You only have to look at the comments to see how easily a jury could be convinced she's confused, she gave mixed signals, he only raped her a bit and stopped raping her when asked (as if that somehow makes it OK?).

These attitudes are part of the reason why it's almost impossible to convict rape.

Even if you gave the exact same accounts in court I don't think this would count as rape.

You said you would only do it with a condom. Then you both got naked and frisky, he tried his luck to see if you'd changed your mind by poking you in the vagina with his penis, and when you said no he stopped. I don't think this is rape, although it's annoying behaviour for sure.

If he wanted to rape you he wouldn't have stopped when you said no.

I can only assume that at your heart you don't consider this rape. Surely no one would have consensual sex with their rapist 10 hours later.

This, it depends if it really was accidental.

I know its unpopular to say but i hate that something like this is seen the same as someone having gone through a traumatic violent sexual assault. It is what it is though.

Sorry you're having these feelings brought up again OP, do get yourself some counseling.

personally I can't get my head around calling that rape, it isn't

in your opinion

in the law it’s considered rape….unlikely get to court

@gentlemum

''That was unacceptable behaviour from the man, but I definitely wouldn't consider it rape and I think calling it so is unfair to people who have actually been raped.''

Don't even go there...I have been raped and you don't speak on my behalf or decide what is rape or what isn't...

The definition of rape is clear: when a person intentionally penetrates another's vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person's consent.

The OP did not consent to sex without a condom and made that very clear to him. So he did not have her consent to do what he did. That is all there is to it.

It doesn't matter if she had agreed before to sleep with him or if she slept with him the following day.

Victims often froze or are unwilling/unable to process that something wrong is happening to them in the moment but afterwards once you have removed yourself from the situation and are safe your body and mind start telling you that something really wrong actually happened...

That was unacceptable behaviour from the man, but I definitely wouldn't consider it rape and I think calling it so is unfair to people who have actually been raped. You were in a consensual situation where possibly he got carried away (not acceptable) but he stopped when asked and you continued on with the situation and then had sex the next morning, so it can't have made you feel that uncomfortable. I know other people disagree but personally I can't get my head around calling that rape, it isn't.

This is called Stealthing.

You made it clear you did not want to have sex without condom and he ignored you.

He also maintained that what he did was OK the following day.

Do not see this man again.

The definition of rape is penetration without consent. This is what happened here.

I find it mind-blowing that some people on this thread are saying that his penis entered you vagina ''by accident'' or that it can't be rape/sexual assault because it was not ''full penetration''.

Why on earth do we continue to excuse/minimise men behaviour in this way?

Of course you are angry because deep down you know what he did was wrong.

Of course it is rape. He penetrated you without your consent, after you explicitly said no, for long enough that you could contract an sti from him. It's rape.

I’d also not class this as rape or sexual assault. I’d class it as going too far and chancing his luck. He stopped but should never have tried as you were clear. The grabbing the bags I’d see as more of an issue.

You might want to try reading op's comments properly before spouting your judgmental crap.

@LDNH if you report to the police, they ask questions during the interview. Your therapist will ask questions to understand the situation. PP hasn't done anything wrong in asking that question.

I though it was more about op reflecting on what happened than her saying she has no right to be upset.

To answer the question, no I don't think it's rape. He didn't penetrate and stopped. Still deeply upsetting that he tried to do that and put your health at risk. You could approach the police about this and ask for advice.

Oh,and I’d , at the very least, send the prick the “cup of tea” video….might help him understand boundaries.

Technically rape, yes, and you’re right to be upset as he did something to you without your consent

but, here I’m going to stick my neck out, you were saying if he’d penetrated you with his fingers that’d be ok? You were engaging in a lot of intimidate sexual behaviour, and then say you weren’t sure at first?

so, you were ok with penetration - but not penis without condom ….and I assume this is down to medicinal issues and concerns re conception?

does he know this explicitly? Did you explain that up front? Did you ask him if he was ok to engage in sexual act but not penetration without condom? Did he understand that?

if the answers are clearly, he knew, he understood, yet he went ahead, then shit, yes I’d dump the bastard and tell him I’m considering reporting it to police.

if he didn’t know reason and wasn’t clear, I’d be a bit more on lines of giving him background as to why it is not acceptable to do something on basis that “he knows best” and ensure he never does it again. And make my decision if to finish the relatioship

Nonsense.

There was no misunderstanding here. She told him very clearly she did not consent to and would not have sex with him without a condom. He tried to do it anyway.

Many women go on to have consensual sex with someone that has assaulted them even violently, so the fact she had sex with him the next day has no barring over whether this was an assault.

Well it’s abject irresponsibility on both sides. You really need to be on hormonal contraceptives because if you get carried away and penetration occurs then you risk pregnancy.
And no, I don’t think it’s rape. Sounds more like seduction but I can understand why your not happy after the heat of the moment.
Why be naked with the man and heavy pet? Really silly behaviour.
Do you have issues around men?

Yes this was rape or atleast attempted rape.
I mean if rape as a spectrum of severity this is on the lower end but it is non consensual penetration, you have every right to be upset about it, and tbh definitely don't have sex with this person again. They will push and ignore your boundaries.

I feel he was pushing his luck, hoping you'd be so in to it that you'd change your mind. As he did stop when you asked I wouldn't say it was rape.

I'm glad you posted @Notsure12348 . I think reflecting on this is going to be helpful for you.

This is going to be a long post. Obviously everyone will feel free to skim or ignore.

There are two men whom I had incidents with when I look back. I've often thought...was that rape? The difficulty is society twists things to excuse men. And I think we do too, when it's happened to us.

The first was when I was 18. He was a new boyfriend. We'd been on a night out with me, him, my brother and his gf. We all went back to bf house. I was v drunk. I went to the loo and when I got back my brother had gone home and left me there. I had no way of getting home and was persuaded to stay. We were to sleep in same bed. I remember saying we couldn't have sex because it was my period and I think I felt sort of 'protected' by that. I was so young and naive, I didn't realise you could or would want to do it when 'on'. . But it ended up happening anyway. I remember having to find my tampon inside after. Afterwards, even though I hadn't wanted to start having sex with him so soon, we continued to have a sexual relationship. I remember thinking 'oh well, we've done it now we might as well carry on '. I think I was normalising what happened. I'm 50 now and still think about it and think about why my brother left me there and put me at risk. I feel some shame and confusion and remember vivid details about that one night, so there's some trauma.

The second man was my exh. He ended up being sexually, financially and mentally/emotionally abusive. I never thought that he raped me until I was posting on another thread maybe ten years ago. People started sending me . Saying they were sorry he raped me. I didn't know he'd raped me. He'd had sex with me from behind, how he liked it and had been removing condom without my consent and then progressed to coming inside me without my consent. He'd decided to get me pregnant. It was progressive wearing down of my boundaries. He was coercive and I felt like I must have agreed but I didn't. I accepted it after the fact, just like that first boyfriend. It wasn't what we agreed. He'd just got his own way and messed with my head afterwards.

But without this, I wouldn't have my son.

I know we are probably not supposed to.categorise rape in some sort of worst kind to least worst kind...but I guess there is something in that. Rape from a stranger who attacks someone is going to cause more trauma than this ' we were in bed and boundaries were ignored '.….but I think there's still trauma or we wouldn't be thinking about it like this years later.

Society, certainly when I grew up, gave us this idea of men being unable to stop, women unfairly leading men on and women being responsible for their transgressions..that's why I reframed it in my head..but I obviously knew it was wrong. I've done a lot of work on my boundaries since my marriage.

It's a really grey area. He penetrated you with out consent (rape) but stopped when you told him to. It was definitely wrong and reads like he was hoping you would change your mind once it was 'in' . You have a right to be angry and feel violated and I would definitely not have a relationship/friendship with that person.

im so sorry this happened to you, this is rape

But it had been made clear before that that he wasn't supposed to put his penis inside her.

He penetrated her anyway.