Trigger warning - rape?

@Shannonz

I know you didn’t mean this in an unsupportive way, but the fact the OP chose not to leave has nothing to do with whether or not it was rape.

It was rape.

And yes it would also have been smarter for the OP to have left. There are lots of reasons people don’t do that, not least being confused about what someone they trusted was suddenly up to. But either way, it’s a separate issue.

OP - you know 1 in 100 police in England and Wales is under investigation for criminal behaviour. It’s a real issue at the moment.

Exactly

you had already clearly communicated to him that you were not gong to have sex without a condom but he tried anyway 🙄

he didn’t get caught up in the moment he felt it was fine to ignore what you had told him

what if you had frozen in shock/fear and he had carried on becuase he wasn’t reminded of what he already knew

we have to get away from this idea that men try their luck or that they get carried away he wasn’t fully aware of what he was doing and he at that moment had absolutely no respect for you giving consent or not

I have been in this situation more than once was it like the time I was raped until rapist climaxed no but it was certainly ignoring my non consent

This exactly

It is technically rape.

Yes he stopped when you asked him to, but for that moment it was rape.

Had you been drunk or not noticed presumably he’d have carried on.

Plus the fact he ‘found’ a condom next morning so was clearly pre-meditated in not using one. Plus the fact he said very clearly that he doesn’t think he needs to wear a condom. This is a man who doesn’t respect women’s boundaries.

If you want to report him it fits the definition of rape.

If you don’t, you can tell him that what he did was rape.

Just as you say the PP doesn't speak on behalf of everyone who has been raped, you don't get to decide how the OP felt at the time, or feels about it now.

I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and suggest you were maybe confusing this with a situation where the OP had initially given consent but then withdrew that consent at the point where she asked him to stop. That's not what happened here. Consent to penetration had been expressly denied in advance. Entirely different.

However, I've now seen your later post saying "don't get naked with someone if you don't want to have sex" as your reasoning. Again, enough of the victim blaming.

She said in advance she didn't want penetrative sex with our a condom. He didn't need to stop and check he knew in advance there was no condom and so penetrative sex was off the cards.

You don't consent to all sexual activity by getting naked. He didn't need to penetrate her with his penis because he knew IN ADVANCE she didn't consent to that.

It is completely fair to have non penetrative sex with someone with a boundary that penetrative sex is off the table and unwanted.

There's no degree of penetration, even a little bit in is penetration.

No means no.

Sexual assault/stealthing.

Because no-one has ever been raped or assaulted by someone they know.

OP had been very clear of her boundaries with the male in advance. Perhaps he should have stopped at that point, if he couldn't trust himself not to ignore that one "little thing" where she'd been clear she didn't consent to penetrative sex.

I don’t agree it’s rape and don’t get naked with someone if you don’t want to have sex; you are not going to change my opinion.

@BananaSlug so your interpretation of rape is defined as whether someone stops or not after penetrating you? Have you considered that consent should be sought prior to penetration rather than afterwards?

If someone punched you in the face would that be ok seeing as they didn't understand that you didn't want to be assaulted? Or would you expect someone to ask if you wanted to be punched first? Would it all be ok if they stopped punching when you asked, or would you feel assaulted nonetheless?

@WillowCraft

If you don't consent to any form of intercourse, don't take your clothes off, or at least be aware of where their body is on relation to yours. It's not fair to willingly engage in foreplay, take your clothes off, and expect someone to check every little thing before they do it. As long as they are gentle and stop immediately if you ask them to, I think that is fine and doesn't involve any risk.

This is a very general sweeping statement of little relevance to the OPs situation. She was consenting to the foreplay and nakedness. She was also consenting to protected intercourse. She didn't expect him to "check every little thing" - she expected him to respect her decision not to have sex without a condom, which was clearly communicated to him.

This isn't a situation where two people got naked and carried away. They had a conversation about the terms on which intercourse could take place. He decided he didn't care about her consent and penetrated in spite of the conditions of consent she had clearly laid out to him. If he was hoping she had changed her mind, he should have sought her consent again before penetrating her.

We seem to have different opinions on the definition of the word 'entering'.

If any part of his penis was inside her vagina that is penetration.

I'm not in the USA, and assume OP isn't either, but it's interesting that the FBI definition of rape specifically says "Penetration, no matter how slight..."

You also don't speak on behalf of everyone who has been raped..

OP asked for opinions on whether it was rape or not. I gave my opinion, you gave a different opinion.

OP has also said it was years ago this happened and only recently due to the news about Russel Brand has it made her think about this. So it obviously didn't feel uncomfortable or traumatic if you have sex again the next day and then aren't affected by it for years.

This is how I feel. It would have been rape if he didn’t stop but he did.

If you don't consent to any form of intercourse, don't take your clothes off, or at least be aware of where their body is on relation to yours. It's not fair to willingly engage in foreplay, take your clothes off, and expect someone to check every little thing before they do it. As long as they are gentle and stop immediately if you ask them to, I think that is fine and doesn't involve any risk.

Avoiding sex with people you don't know is the best way to stay safe.

@BeatenByAScone

Female feels something slightly entering vagina, assumes male’s fingers

To me this sounds more like attempted rape. It's up to op to decide if she thinks it was rape and to deal with it however she sees for for herself.

Op asks specifically whether this situation would be considered rape. None of us here know for sure, we're just giving our opinions on a situation posted here.

Attempted rape doesn't change what happened that day and is still a crime.

I do think some men can be extremely selfish and will think of what they want more than what the woman wants.

I've definitely had more negative sexual experiences than positive.

But I've had some very positive ones too

Right I think how i wrote the animal instincts bit came across not how I meant it. I've every sympathy for the OP.

Can I retract that bit.

What I did want to say is "better men can control themselves, selfish men will take what they want".

I'm not excusing anything. I was thinking kindly and sadly about the op and about my own experiences.

I'm not sure why women turn against each other at time like this.

Wow, well done on the victim blaming there.

That isn't rape in my view. You have the right to be annoyed though.
On the other hand if you knew there were no condoms it would have been more sensible to keep your pants on, at least.

What's sad is that you're prepared to excuse this as "animal instincts". Many animals have the instinct to kill but you wouldn't use that as a defence against a human who'd committed murder.

Sex shouldn't have to be risky. No person, man or woman - but especially women because they're so much more likely to be the victim - should have to go into every sexual encounter thinking that their partner might choose this time to ignore issues around consent.

Where did I say all men can't control themselves?

Im reading back my post, nd I see I wrote -

"better men can control themselves , some aroused men are going to try to get away with whatever they can get away with"

So I said better men can control themselves. The more selfish men will try to push boundaries and not care

You said men having their animal instincts take over needs to be taken into account. I'm not sure why it needs to be taken into account by anyone, his instincts have no barring over whether this was rape or not, he can and should have controlled himself.

And in that scenario they always have the power not us. As they are physically stronger.