Not to be there when someone dies

I think if you have had a chance to say goodbye to someone you love, at peace, then your relative knew you loved them and that was the right thing for everyone involved. I would personally never want someone I loved to come back to my bedside and not be comfortable there, I would want them to remember me in the way they chose to.

Yes, and it's nonsense, anyway, as well as crass. Families have always gathered around deathbeds, especially when the majority of deaths happened at home, so there was no option not to, because you usually were the ones doing the nursing etc and death was less 'othered' and less liable to be only the very old.

I'm glad you feel you made the right decision for you, OP. Sorry for your loss.

@HeddaGarbled I agree with you.

People knew, unequivocally, that my relative was dying in hospital for weeks and waited til the last 24 hours to come in. My relative got nothing out of it, as they would have if they'd bothered even a few days before as they were slipping more and more and we, the ones that had bathed, held, shaved, read to and brushed he hair of the dying relative, felt obliged to step out to let them say their goodbyes and it made everything so much worse.

NOT aimed at OP at all, but if anyone else finds themselves in that situation, see your person at the earliest opportunity.

Very sorry for your loss OP.

@MoonshineandMagic I am sorry for your loss.

My DF died in hospital many years ago. We had all visited when he was obviously very close to the end, he couldn't really communicate, but he knew we were there. A family friend who happened to be a priest, phoned me in the night to demand I come over as he was dying. I decided not to. My poor brother did, and forever wished he hadn't. I saw him early the next morning, and DF just wasn't there any more. He had died peacefully with lots of medication, but I didn't want to see that, and I am sure he wouldn't have wanted me there either. DH was very cross however, with the bullying priest.

Yes you're so right. My family decided to gather round when we lost our most treasured person because we all watched too many films and were in the mood for a bit of performative grieving. 🙄 What a crass comment. I can't imagine judging the way that someone chooses to say goodbye forever to someone they love.

Do what feels right for you, OP. If you feel you've made your peace and you are content that your loved one is supported and comfortable, there is no shame in choosing not to be there. Be kind to yourself.

You have to do what's right for you

It's fine, OP - it's personal choice and there are no rules. And probably better for the individual too - many of us wouldn't want people hanging around when we die. I certainly hope I am alone and allowed to die in peace.

We went through this very recently with a parent. Parent was in hospital for about 4 weeks after a fall and had lots of other complicating issues too. At first it seemed that they were going to pull through and we were all quite positive, but things started to decline and we had a very hard conversation with a lovely palliative care doctor who explained that they were not going to get better, and that pain relief was all they could offer.

Sibling, other parent and I spent about three days sitting in a hospital room with an increasingly unresponsive and doped up parent, just waiting. It was AWFUL. I am very grateful for a kind yet straight talking nurse who had a very frank conversation with me and sibling about what the "end" is often like. Some people do slip away quietly and that's that. Others - even though on high levels of pain relief and "out of it" - gasp and almost appear to choke. Nurse advised that in her experience this can be very traumatic for relatives.

Sibling and I decided we did not want the other parent to witness this. Nurse advised that the death would probably happen overnight, given the observations and how ill they were. So about 8pm we said our goodbyes, had a family hug and a few tears, and went home. Switched the phone off and told hospital not to ring, we'd ring in the morning. When we called about 8am we were told they'd died in the middle of the night.

This was absolutely the right thing for us as a family and I don't regret it a bit. The patient in hospital was unaware who was there and who wasn't there and high as a kite on oxycontin or something.

There are no rights and wrongs here though, no could and should and must. You need to do what you feel is best for all of you. Lots of love.

Its quite possible they won't even be aware you are there. I've seen a lot of deaths as a nurse and it isn't for everyone. Others find it helpful as its obvious when they die there just isn't anyone in that body anymore. The soul has gone.
Just do what you feel is best for you.

I agree with all the above but is the person left with them happy to be there 24/7? Do they get a break etc? Is it just one person?

I sat with my mum all day as she faded. It was expected that she'd still be with us well into the night so I nipped out to get something to eat. When I got back she'd died. Apparently it's very common for that to happen - almost like they want to go on their own.

Really don't worry about it OP.

People can sit with the dying person 24/7 and the minute they leave the room is can be when the dying person lets go. There is no rule book to say you have to be there, you have shown you care while the person was able to understand this. For other people being there is important and in some level I’m sure the dying person knows they are not alone. There is no right or wrong. Looking for something to feel guilty about is sadly part of grief, but really you don’t have to feel guilty about this.

I chose not to be there when my DF died. It's over 10 years now and I've never regretted it.

Having seen a lot of people die you do get the impression that they don't want to do it in a crowded room and often want to do it alone- waiting until the person with them has gone to the loo is really common.

My DF knew I adored him. I am happy with what my family did.

Does the person who is with them not need support or a break or company, at least some of the time? You feel how you feel but part of your feeling fine aboutnot going again seems to be predicated on that person being there for your lo, so maybe you might want to support them?

If you felt you wanted to do something else but you feel as if you don't want to be there, have you considered recording yourself on your phone, a little message or a song or read something that could be played back to your loved one so they can hear your voice. You and they may find it comforting.
I hope your loved one passes peacefully.

My Dad died last month, I visited him during the day but I said I could not be in the room when he passed away. My brother stayed with him and he died peacefully later that day.

When my Mum died 9 years ago I made the same decision, I said my goodbyes earlier, she was not alone.

It is a personal choice and you are the only one that can make that decision, I do not regret my decisions, I prefer my memories of the person to be happy.

I get that. It's OK. Really it's OK.

I was there the day my gran died in hospital. I found it upsetting for a few days (it wasn't that peaceful) but it was the right thing to do.

I was clear to my DM that I didn't want to be there when my DF died. I didn't want to see him in the funeral parlour either. I had said my goodbyes and had my memories. I don't think he would have wanted me to do something I didn't want to do. It wasn't cowardly, it was just my preference.

You're not a coward

it's up to the individual

my sister wasn't around for dad, she saw him on his second to last day and it was unbearable for her. Please don't worry.

I know some people for whom the last memory of a dying loved one is just intolerable, Don't put yourself through unnecessary pain.

It is absolutely OK what you are feeling. Not to be dramatic, but I know from experience that watching someone die is traumatic. If you can avoid it do that. You’ve seen them and said goodbye that’s what matters.

I have never wanted to be there when someone dies. Close family are aware of my wishes. I want to remember the last conversation I had with them.