AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

Just say 'oh yes it's all settled. I got £2000 and we've booked a holiday with it'.

If you make any bigger purchases just say the business is doing okay but you've had to take on a lot of credit.

Decide on your figure, make sure OH is on board and say to anyone else it's too upsetting to talk about as your solicitor made a hash of it/memories from the accident.

I'd stop visiting them. You're not obliged to torture yourself physically to make others happy.

It's far from there to here as here to there.

Sounds to me like you overshare personal information with these people. If you can't simply stop doing this then you need to have some text book answers (lots of good ones mentioned on this thread) which you never deviate from.

I think sometimes when you’ve been victimised it’s hard to stop feeling maybe you should try to help the person who’s made your life so much harder (even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t, mustn’t, can’t). Since you’ve always been the ‘bigger person’ in a toxic, transactional relationship, you’ve been taught that’s where your worth lies. It’s obvious you can just lie about the payout or say whatever will make them leave you be. That’ll work.

From an impartial POV, you don’t have anything to reproach yourself for. You’ve done way more than what’s right by everyone who wants to take from you and you don’t need to do any more. You didn’t win the lottery, it wasn’t good luck, it was appalling bad luck. You got the money because of something terrible that happened to you. Nobody has the right to try and make you feel guilty about using it to make your own difficult life a little easier. It’s shocking anyone would think otherwise, but some people have no shame. Just say whatever it takes to make it stop.

I hope the money does improve things, and you don’t always feel as bad as you do now.

Echoing everyone else - tge money is to ensure you can live your life despite the injuries. IE to support your needs. It isnt a windfall.

1. stop spending time with these awful people. Even if that means GM throws stuff away that can be fixed. You do t want to see her. She doesnt value you. Do not visitvagain!
2. dont tell them re: money. If they ask, tell them its not their business / its already been accounted for in meeting your needs. If they nag about it, then leave.
3. do not take anythibg that would give you access to tte money with you when you visit
4. this money is for your needs, not for you to guve away.

You've been conditioned to people please the very people who abuse you and have done for your entire life. You've had the therapy but you regress back into that role the second you're with them.

They give you nothing but stress, grief, emotional and physical pain. They are not good people who appreciate you and you leave each time again beaten down, in pain and have to gather yourself to heal which you do until the next time.

Take advantage of the physical distance from them and the fact they won't visit you and cut them off. Block them, ignore them, NC them.

They actively harm you, even if not physically now it's still emotional and medically just getting there. Enough now. You've done your bit, time to look after you and yours.(the oh and kids only)

Very well said.

This, absolutely! You are indeed writing as if it were a lottery win, where you, as a generous person, would be giving sums to charity and family if you felt like it. But it's not a lucky win, this is money you need to compensate for your loss of livelihood which has come about as a result of the disability you now have as a result of the accident. It isn't for you to give away, and certainly not to your CF biological family at all.

The compensation was awarded to you for an accident that has impacted and affected you - nobody else. The decision for payout wasn’t based on your family’s circumstances or how much money they do or don’t have. Therefore, no one else is entitled or has any right to have an expectation to benefit from it. The amount might be ‘life changing’ but clearly your injuries were also ‘life changing’ otherwise you wouldn’t have qualified for it.

As someone else has already said, this isn’t a lottery win, it’s a payment to ensure that as a result of the accident, you are able to have the assurance of long term financial security. Without being too pessimistic, you also don’t necessarily know what the long term impact of your injuries are so it would be wise and sensible to keep the capital safely invested in your own name.

And for goodness sake don't donate sums to charity. I understand why you want to, but really you need to consider that your needs in future may well require that the money is essential for your well-being. I don't know, and I am not asking, but you might require an adaptation for your home, or some other item. It;s no good finding that you can't fund it because , yet again, you have thought of others. Sometimes you have to be self centred and this is one of them.

I wouldn’t say anything about it at all and eventually if you are forced to say anything I would say ‘oh that came through ages ago thanks’ and not mention any amount. If the press just say enough to put towards my mortgage which has taken the pressure off a bit. Not left me anything else though but it’s a weight off my mind.

This amount was calculated as something you NEED. And then negotiated. If you think it’s too much, you could well be wrong. Re read the judgement and the medical statement with prognosis. Work out how much it will be as income when multiplied by the annuity rate.

Dont give it away until you have lived your life and know you can cope without it. And then, why disinherit your DS? Why give anything to anyone except your DS?

Personally I’d never speak to them again. Honestly cut them off. I know it’s not easy, believe me. But you don’t even owe them a single breath, let alone a penny of your money.

@Noopnoop you are a wonderful kind person. As others have said you don’t need to tell them anything you don’t want to. If they find out you’ve git the money, do tell them half thruth- we’ve paid the mortgage off/ the lawyers took so much of it/ I’ve put it in trust for my Dc and additional medical bills I’ve put it into my business etc etc and there is nothing left.

And please continue with your therapy, you can talk about all of this with a therapist.

Do NOT tell them about the money. It will make your life a million times worse. It will bring out the worst in them and they will use and abuse you even more and treat you a million times worse than they already do. They are extremely toxic people. You deserve so much better and once you shake your understandable but self destructive sense of duty towards them you will be so much better off.

OP, please consider cutting ties with them. You are still living to their whims, and that’s clear in your comments. You are no longer that little girl, you’re a grown woman with her own family. Strengthen your boundaries and realise you do not have to be treated like this. You are worth so much more. Your finances, your anything in fact, are none of their business. You are choosing to put yourself in this situation. Please stop.

If they ask amounts, just say a small number which youve put in trust for your kids and the rest went on settling your legal bill! Make sure you dont leave any bank statements out if they pop round as the CFs might be nosy as well!

Just say its still not settled yet OR it was just enough to pay off our mortgage.

An ongoing Trust would keep them sniffing around for a handout. I'd shut it down permanently.

Just say you didn't get much. Lie. Don't let them guilt you.

I have a persistent friend and I just kept saying that we have not told anyone.

She makes little comments now and then about us not telling/trusting her and I just smile benignly and ignore.

Also, have some stock answers ready if they ask questions, like:

GM: Has the case been settled?

You: "No, not yet"

If they find out it has...

GM: How much did you get?

You: "We've decided that it is a private matter, and will not be telling ANYONE"

GM: But we're family:

You: "Why do you want to know?"

And just keep asking "Why?" after every answer/question.

Stick to it. Don't give in. Practice with your partner. Come up with bizarre questions that they may ask and just keep practicing your answers.

YABU for continuing to have any contact with these people.

Op, this is not rocket science but easy to forget:

Getting compensation money is not the same as winning the lottery.

The lottery is a bonus, compensation money is not: it replaces income you WILL NOT be making in years to come, don’t forget that, it is not a windfall, it is your salary of years handed in a single payment.

Give away money to charity and family when you win the lottery, do not give away the salary you need to raise your children as close as possible as if this accident had not happen.

I hate recommending NC but your relatives sound toxic. If you can cut the ties, you might feel so much better. Then you can focus on your real family (DP and child) and your business and look forward not back.
I'm sorry you've had so much to face in your life and the way you've overcome things is awesome :)

I had earmarked a certain amount for family members but instead I will donate it to a couple of local charities and community gardens that my little boy enjoys. It will be much better spent there and it will help to ensure that others can continue to benefit. Despite my pain and other issues, I feel like I can actually start living.

Can I suggest you get financial advice before you do this? Much as I want worthwhile charities to benefit, that money has been carefully calculated as compensation for you, to cover what you will need for the rest of your life, and I know damages are never over-generous even if this does seem like a big sum now. Think about the fact that in future you may be less mobile than you are now, for instance. I suspect you will need every penny in the coming years.