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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

254 replies

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:16

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 21/09/2023 06:38

If they don't ask, don't tell. If they do ask, either say still unresolved/ongoing or it was only enough to pay additional legal/medical costs
Then disengage, as the old saying goes, you can't choose your family. They treat you appallingly and going no contact sounds like it would lift a weight off your shoulders. They bring no love and support to you so stop giving yours to them

Original poster
Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 06:32

Thanks everyone. I'm quite taken aback by your responses. I expected everyone to say the opposite.
I have been to therapy and got so much from it but I still need to adjust. I had great difficulty after my DC was born. I couldn't understand how I wasn't protected in the way he is. I underwent years of horrendous abuse, physically, emotionally and the rest. I was also forced to have regular contact with the family member that SA'd me so my family didn't lose face.
Last year I told my GM that I felt that no-one had ever truly cared for me ( not enough to stop the abuse) and she said that "no-one had ever cared for her" when I said that I wasn't talking about her, she screamed " it's always about you, isn't it?".
I think the money issue is causing me to feel like this because if I ever put boundaries in place or did something for me, I was "selfish".
She's always made digs at me because I'm cautious with money and will say "I'm not money oriented like you" but I've had to be. She was always in debt, was always shopping and would whine at my grandfather that she should have had a better lifestyle. Years ago they lived in a house they couldn't afford but lost it when my GF's business went under. This was nearly 40 years ago but she still goes on about it. She lives as if the world owes her more. In reality, she does well, doesn't go without and lives in social housing in a very nice area.

OP posts:
CoolShoeshine · 21/09/2023 06:12

Don’t give them the “it was enough to pay off my mortgage line” they’ll then assume your more spare cash each month.
Whatever you say don’t ever give them anything else. You’ve got a child who must come first.

Eviebeans · 21/09/2023 06:09

It might sound harsh but my advice would be to Stay away from them - don’t visit- don’t reply if they message about money. Better still block them. They don’t sound as if they have your best interests at heart
They’re not your responsibility.

Dustyblue · 21/09/2023 06:08

CheekyHobson · 21/09/2023 04:39

“It came through, thank goodness. We were able to pay the mortgage off, thank goodness, though it’s a pity the payout wasn’t bigger as our medical costs are still pretty crippling. What’s that? Can I pay your credit card off for you? No, did you not hear what I just said? The settlement gave us some much-needed security but we’re still living week to week ourselves. Sorry.”

This. In spades

"Yay, it finally came through but was a lot less than I was expecting". Throw them off the scent and shut down their expectations. Do not given them any numbers or else their little brains will start their manipulation process.

This payout is for YOU, not for THEM. Hmmph on your behalf OP. They sound bloody awful.

electriclight · 21/09/2023 06:00

A few choices I think.

Stop visiting them or talking to them because they sound horrendous.

Maintain low contact but don't mention pay out. If they ask, it's over and settled and you got enough to pay off your mortgage.

Maintain low contact, rejoice in telling them how much you got but make it clear if they ask or hint that they won't get a penny. If they're ok about that, good. If they're annoyed and stop speaking to you, good. If they harass you, block and never see them again.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/09/2023 05:59

Just why???

There is fuck all redeeming about these people.

If the money is so life changing invest some of it in therapy for yourself (, I'm completely serious)

Of they won't call or visit fantastic.
Stop calling and stop visiting them. Job done.

Absolutely none of this is okay or normal.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/09/2023 05:57

Lie.

'It paid out, we've cleared most of our debts and have nothing left. No I won't tell you how much thats our business'.

Or 'Nope, we lost at the last hurdle, no pay out, total bummer'.

Pick whichever you like, stick to it like glue, do not be drawn on it whatsoever in fact I wouldn't even bring it up unless they ask.

They will never find out unless you tell someone. So tell no one, it is no ones business but yours.

VisionsOfSplendour · 21/09/2023 05:55

It sounds like your life would be a lot better without these people in it, why not stop contact with them?

user1492757084 · 21/09/2023 05:51

If GM never calls you then don't call her.

Never bring up the case or settlement again.

If they bring it up tell them the money came through and will pay for half your medical bills so that is a good outcome.

TerrorAustralis · 21/09/2023 05:49

As a point of principle, she won't call me. I have to call her.

This is your solution. Stop calling her.

Tonight1 · 21/09/2023 05:47

Just say partner manages finances as he doesn't work and the small amount the compensation was for alleviating your pain on a day to day basis went to him.

Edit: if asked, that is

Newnamehiwhodis · 21/09/2023 05:31

“Enough to help with medical bills” is all I would ever say to these people.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 21/09/2023 05:05

Don't call her. Let them naturally phase out of your life. Your ds doesn't need them either. Build a nice (as much as you can manage with your chronic pain) life for you, your dh, and ds. Use the money to pay for pain relief or anything that will help you and don't feel guilty.

BlastedPimples · 21/09/2023 05:02

Why do you tell them anything?

Just keep quiet and if they ask you any personal questions which includes financial, just shrug and say, "Don't know," or "Nothing yet."

Why do you have to disclose any personal information? It's none of their business.

You know what they're all like so you know you need to put up your barriers and keep schtum. Just chat vague shit or talk about them all the time.

Original poster
Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:59

*throw not through

OP posts:
Original poster
Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:52

I did the journey so my GM could see our little boy. She's only seem him a couple of times (he's 2.5yrs).
Also, a piece of furniture needed fixing which she was adamant needed to be done by a certain date. I'd bought this rather expensive piece and she was going to through it out over a 10 minute job.
We were there less than an hour due to me being unwell. She didn't even call to ask how I was. It was as if my usefulness had been served so I was no longer of use. I was desperately hurt by this. As a point of principle, she won't call me. I have to call her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:48

My particular concern is that I don't want history repeating itself. Years ago, my siblings and I received life insurance after my DF passed away. I naively told my grandmother who told others. This led to her son asking my two siblings for thousands to pay off his housing debts. I was blamed for this. My GM then lent her son the money, which I warned her against doing, and she's never had the money back. She lost over half her savings by doing this.
IMO, they didn't need the money as he could work but his gf was pregnant and she "wanted him around".

OP posts:
Pollywoddles · 21/09/2023 04:46

How do you avoid telling them? You just don’t tell them. If they ask, fob them off. You also said that as soon as you stopped doing everything they stopped contact so you are obviously the one reaching out.

If this relationship isn’t serving you then I suggest you think about pulling back yourself. I don’t know why you’d put yourself herself through painful journeys to see them when they don’t care about you.

Original poster
Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:42

@CheekyHobson I was thinking something along these lines. Thank you.

OP posts:
Flatandhappy · 21/09/2023 04:41

You lie. If asked say “oh, turns out I got nothing like expected, money has all been spent now, oh well life goes on”. Do not give these leeches anything, you know they won’t be satisfied until they have bled you dry.

SqueakyDinosaur · 21/09/2023 04:41

@CherryMaDeara's is a great idea. Also, if there is any one big, obvious thing that you will be able to buy when you get the settlement (a new car? adaptations to your house?), maybe you could say something like "Well, it just about paid for this (indicating the thing) and that has made such a difference". And then just don't say anything else. Definitely don't tell them an amount, and don't get drawn into discussion of money with them.

CheekyHobson · 21/09/2023 04:39

“It came through, thank goodness. We were able to pay the mortgage off, thank goodness, though it’s a pity the payout wasn’t bigger as our medical costs are still pretty crippling. What’s that? Can I pay your credit card off for you? No, did you not hear what I just said? The settlement gave us some much-needed security but we’re still living week to week ourselves. Sorry.”

Original poster
Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:37

Thank you. I appreciate that. FGM also like to minimise my disability. I was there a year ago with my DS and didn't sleep well. The journey was awful and I had issues carrying him etc. I was in agony the day after and tried my best not to show it. Her response, rather than offering help was "can't you just try and be cheerful?". She made a big drama saying that my being there had caused her BP to rocket. A family member checked it and it was a healthy amount. I asked the family member to check mine and it was high (140/115) etc. When my GM saw that she commented on it being high. I told her it is what happens when I'm in pain as this is how my body reacts.

I'd often thought that the relationship with my family was transactional, they were only in contact with me for what I could provide or do for them. As soon as I stopped doing everything, they stopped contact.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 21/09/2023 04:30

Personally I wouldn't talk about it with them. And I would be tempted to fib if they ask and keep saying it still hasn't been resolved with an eye roll and a sigh.