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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

254 replies

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:16

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

OP posts:
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Newestname002 · 01/10/2023 09:04

@Noopnoop

I just have difficulty understanding my GM's behaviour. I don't understand why she won't call me. She doesn't realise what she's losing out on. It's very much her loss as she won't get to see her DGGS. I feel for her in a way, she is lonely, bitter and envious but this is a situation of her own making.

Please don't waste energy you need to get well on wondering why your grandmother is like this. She is what she is and is extremely unlikely to change. I very much doubt that, unless you give her a large proportion of your compensation (please, please don't do this, especially as it will never be enough for her) you won't hear from her. She does not care about you or her grandson, only what she can get out of you.

You look at her through the eyes of someone who cares for and wants to improve others' lives and, it feels to me, wants approval from her. After all, you care about her and the person she should be. She is the opposite and the more you can't accept she is the uncaring and grasping person she really is, the harder it will be for you. 🌹

T1Dmama · 01/10/2023 00:35

Noopnoop · 30/09/2023 15:23

Thanks everyone for the good wishes. I'm likely to be in hospital for a while yet.

The money is going to make a massive difference to our lives and for once I won't have to worry about paying bills.

I think NC is the best way to go. I've spoken to the family member I'm close with and he told me under no circumstances would I be travelling to see them and that when he's around, he will travel to see me.

I just have difficulty understanding my GM's behaviour. I don't understand why she won't call me. She doesn't realise what she's losing out on. It's very much her loss as she won't get to see her DGGS. I feel for her in a way, she is lonely, bitter and envious but this is a situation of her own making.

Try not to analyse your GM… you’ll drive yourself mad… She is what she is.. I think there’s likely been a pattern of abuse from generation to generation…. It’s great that you’ve broken that cycle with your own son and sometimes in order to be happy we just have to leave some people behind xx good luck x

Original poster
Noopnoop · 30/09/2023 15:23

Thanks everyone for the good wishes. I'm likely to be in hospital for a while yet.

The money is going to make a massive difference to our lives and for once I won't have to worry about paying bills.

I think NC is the best way to go. I've spoken to the family member I'm close with and he told me under no circumstances would I be travelling to see them and that when he's around, he will travel to see me.

I just have difficulty understanding my GM's behaviour. I don't understand why she won't call me. She doesn't realise what she's losing out on. It's very much her loss as she won't get to see her DGGS. I feel for her in a way, she is lonely, bitter and envious but this is a situation of her own making.

OP posts:
oksothisisusnow · 30/09/2023 14:06

I'm NC with all my family, I appreciate that's not always possible, but mine would be exactly like yours.
They'd want something for the fact that you have.

My advice, you are terribly upset, because you've spent all the money on therapy, other medical costs, making adaptions, and you were going to pay off the loans and cards you paid it on, but the settlement nowhere near covers it once legal fees have been taken by your solicitor.
You are still far in the red and you aren't sure how you'll get out of this long term.

It's the only way to not be asked.

I hope this money makes life a little easier for you and your husband husband and son, day to day.

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 30/09/2023 13:18

Please look at the bugger picture here. You need to go no contact with all of them. They are making you miserable

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 13:13

I am so sorry that you have been laid up in the hospital again.

Many wishes sent your way that you will soon be able to go home. 💐

RandomButtons · 29/09/2023 23:15

“Oh yeah it came through but it was a pittance and the lawyers took more than half of it the thieves! What came through paid for our new boiler/paid off the car and that’s it, there’s nothing left now! Disgusting isn’t it!”

baffledcoconut · 29/09/2023 21:48

Please please please get some more therapy/a way to get closure and self worth when all of this is coming to the end. You sound like such a lovely caring person and absolutely deserve to make this money transform your life for the best. Not big houses and flash cars, but peace of mind and carrying on breaking the generational trauma.

Hope you feel so much better soon and not in for long. You’re doing a fabulous job. You are worth more than the life you’ve had.

Cornflakes44 · 29/09/2023 12:35

I honestly think you should really step away from them all. Don't visit, don't engage with demands. It'll be hard but you really need to focus on you and your family now. They sound awful tbh

nettie434 · 29/09/2023 12:07

Sorry that you are in hospital. Hope you can take the time to focus on yourself and your recovery and not worry about those who don't have your best interests at heart.

BMW6 · 29/09/2023 11:05

Sorry to hear you're in hospital for the foreseeable OP Flowers

You have a wonderful DH and child. Your family.

All you truly need.

MinnieGirl · 29/09/2023 10:59

Noopnoop · 29/09/2023 05:48

Thanks everyone. Your kind words are appreciated. I'm still on hospital and will be for the foreseeable.
My GM has still not called me. I did feel hurt and I don't quite understand her thinking but I'm simply not going to chase her. It's really very sad.
The decision about whether to travel has been taken out of my hands but I'm done with my GM. If her "point of principle" is so strong that she can't consider calling her sick granddaughter then I don't know what to suggest. What a sad, lonely world she occupies.

So sorry to hear you are still in hospital. Hope they are looking after you and you are receiving good care.
Your grandmothers behaviour is appalling. She doesn’t care about her sick granddaughter at all. How very sad.
You have made your own little family, and they are your tribe. I would go very low contact with your grandmother. Next time any of the family contact you to say something needs doing, just be unavailable.
Might be worth talking to the family member you did want to visit with…

Newestname002 · 29/09/2023 09:20

@Noopnoop

So sorry to hear you are in hospital OP.

Your grandmother and siblings really don't deserve you in their lives and you certainly don't owe them anything more than you've already given them. I'd suggest muting them on your WhatsApp, social media etc so you can concentrate your energy on your own health. Let them communicate via your partner so he can protect you from them as far as possible.

Sending you good vibes and very best wishes for your recovery so you can go home and sleep in your own bed before too long. 🌹

T1Dmama · 29/09/2023 08:46

Oh goodness, I missed the update about you being in hospital. I hope you are recovering and will soon be home with your lovely DP & DS.
How long have you been in for? I absolutely agree that you need to focus on yourself now, get well and be at your best (as best as is possible given your disability)… You have to put yourself above all others, only when you are well can you be the happiest mother possible.
As for the the GM & other users, I would forget them all I’m afraid… you have a real opportunity now to move on with your life and be a happy little family family unit.
Goodluck and get well soon

Reigateforever · 29/09/2023 07:42

Think about getting yourself in good shape for both your and your DSs’ futures. Every time you realize you are thinking of your GM or others block them out by thinking of your DS. Look after yourself.

Original poster
Noopnoop · 29/09/2023 05:48

Thanks everyone. Your kind words are appreciated. I'm still on hospital and will be for the foreseeable.
My GM has still not called me. I did feel hurt and I don't quite understand her thinking but I'm simply not going to chase her. It's really very sad.
The decision about whether to travel has been taken out of my hands but I'm done with my GM. If her "point of principle" is so strong that she can't consider calling her sick granddaughter then I don't know what to suggest. What a sad, lonely world she occupies.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 26/09/2023 12:12

Sorry to hear you're so unwell that you need to be in hospital, and hope you're improved soon. I suspect that there won't be much support from your family while you're there? That might help you to decide to stay clear of them in the future and I firmly believe your life would be better for it. In the meantime there are plenty of Mumsnetters wishing you the best.

Reigateforever · 26/09/2023 07:39

So sorry to hear things have got so bad. I hope you will be able to go home soon. Please don’t go to see your family, they won’t change, and it will cause more stress for you.

Luddite26 · 26/09/2023 06:40

Oh no so sorry to hear that. I hope you are on the mend very soon.

Original poster
Noopnoop · 26/09/2023 06:35

Thanks everyone for the messages. You've certainly given me plenty to think about. I've been quiet because I've been admitted into hospital. I feel absolutely dreadful and missing my little one like crazy.

OP posts:
Bananabeans · 24/09/2023 10:03

Reading between the lines I feel you are still hoping to get your GM to be a loving and caring GM. You feel like this because that is the person you are. It’ll never happen as she will never change. I think you should be so so proud of what you have achieved for yourself and your lovely family. Tell your GM and your siblings nothing and enjoy this money. Do not feel guilty. You deserve it so much.

Nanaof1 · 24/09/2023 07:09

MustGetOutofBed · 22/09/2023 11:50

@Nanaof1 RTA in this instance I would imagine is a Road Traffic Accident - so OP was probably knocked down / crashed into. Hope you're OK @Noopnoop - agree with PP that the amount you've been given has been carefully calculated to cover your likely expenses for life as a result of the accident, insurance companies don't give out a penny more than they have to.

Thank you so very much! It makes so much sense now that you explained it.

SisterJo · 24/09/2023 06:58

I think you need to be careful with how you deal with this money. You call it “life changing” damages for personal injury in England/Wales aren’t overly generous and if your able to run a business successful enough to support your family, the future loss of earnings claim won’t be giant either. So it may seem like a massive amount now, remember it’s to last for the rest of your life- you don’t get a second bite of the cherry - so don’t be donating any of it! It’s not a lottery win!

Iwillpassthanks · 24/09/2023 06:25

Op sees them very infrequently and lives many hours from them

her DS never ever sees them

I really don’t think keeping this information to yourself is going to remotely be an issue op 🤷‍♀️

Zerosleep · 23/09/2023 16:14

You can’t change people, but you can change how you behave with them. Just don’t tell them anything about it and avoid discussing any amounts. Worse case scenario, just lie, tell them you received a small amount you paid straight off your mortgage.