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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect to split chores?

58 replies

golassiego93 · 17/09/2023 22:46

Essay time!

My boyfriend and I are both 30, child free, have a dog. In a small 2 bed flat we’ve had for about 3 years now.

We both work for big 4s (separate firms), however his job is much more demanding than mine, and he earns nearly 4x my salary. Due to this we split our bills by percentages so although it’s not halved, means we are both giving the same percentage of our wages - we both feel that’s the fairest way to do it and are both fine with it. I could afford to go 50/50, but means I couldn’t really afford much else through the month - maybe a couple of coffees with a pal, not a big night out.

We both have a mix of wfh and going into the office, I wfh more as just prefer it.

I struggle with keeping a home, previously living with flatmates/alone I’ve managed fine but I’ve also worked less demanding jobs. In our old flat we rented I kept it clean, but in this flat I struggle. I have suspected for years I’m ND and have been on a waiting list since 2021 to be assessed.

Our current flat is an old Georgian building and has all the quirks that come with it. Not a lot of storages, awkward spaces etc. I’m messy by nature but I try to counteract this by being quite minimalist, however he is messy but a complete hoarder and has more clothes than I’ve ever seen. Entire gym wardrobe, golf wardrobe, work wardrobe. About 30 pairs of shoes etc. I’ve asked him to cull some to help as he never puts washing away and I get overwhelmed by it all. Have struggled with depression in the past, I get anaemia every month around my period, and have pcos so know that can make me a bit fuzzy headed too. I just struggle to deal with double the amount of laundry etc. we also seem to go through so much laundry, I don’t understand how we go through so much!

I do all of the cooking, we order takeaway once a week usually as a break, and can go out for dinner a lot. My partner buys most of the food shops as the balance of ‘I buy the food, you cook it’. However we’ve had fights a lot as after a full days work and cooking dinner, sometimes after dinner I walk the dog then come in and watch tv, and sort dishes before I go to bed. He moans about the state of the kitchen, but I say if it bothers him that much he can clean up…. Then he says because I work less I’m expected to do more round the house.

I understand this to an extent - he is away at 7 and not home til 8ish, then will log on and work until midnight ish when he’s home. Days he works from home he logs on at 8 and finishes about 11/midnight, taking a break for dinner. On days he wfh he walks the dog in the morning but that’s it. I log on at 9 and finish 5/5.30 most days. I’ve said it would be nice if he made dinner one night a week and he said ‘that’s fine if you’re ok eating at 11 o clock at night, I can’t get away from my desk to make it.’

I also love cooking, make lots of healthy meals from scratch - he is very health conscious. On the odd time I try to make it easier for myself and have bought a pre-made lasagne out of M&S he makes comment about it being muck, processed etc.

at the weekends he golfs, the gym, goes to rugby, goes to the pub with pals and we sometimes do stuff. If I request we have a day to take the dog to the beach or whatever he moans like it’s the worst thing to do. If I ask him to help with cleaning his response is ‘I’ve got better things to do with my weekend’ - because he so busy with work he wants to spend his time off chilling and having fun. Which I understand, but he can only do that because I do the housework!

Then when I don’t do it he moans the flat isn’t right. I paid a cleaner to come in and do a deep clean which was lovely taking that off me for a week, and have mentioned about if we got a cleaner in then we wouldn’t be arguing about cleaning anymore - but he made sarcastic comments about how other women can keep a home and it’s normal and it’s a joke I struggle when I don’t have kids to run around after either. His parents had a cleaner growing up so he’s never had to bother with cleaning - funnily enough his last flat was pretty manky. Tidy but manky.

im at breaking point with it. I’m expected to cook, clean and walk the dog, and deal with his bad moods etc when he’s grumpy at work. Trying to encourage him to get a different job but he’s too attached to the money and says our quality of life will be rubbish without his wage. Which is rubbish, I survived fine on my wage for years! And we got our mortgage before he took this role so not as if it’s unsustainable. He can be downright unpleasant at times and it’s so hard - it’s the stress. We went to Greece for a fortnight in the summer and it reminded me of the man I fell in love with - kind, funny, generous. Work stress changes his whole personality. I’m aware I’ve made him sound like a total dick, and he can be! But when he’s not stressed he’s a different person. He is a bit of a control freak which is worse when he gets stressed.

so back to it - AIBU/a total bitch to moan about cooking and cleaning when his hours are so crazy? Or am I perfectly entitled to expect it to be split.

In a nutshell:
His attitude is because of his work and he pays more for bills etc then he shouldn’t have to contribute as much around the place. I still work full time, I know I could pull my weight more but I’m trying my best

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 18/09/2023 09:41

What are you hoping to gain from this relationship?

He seems to treat you more like his mother or a housekeeper than a partner.

I appreciate he works much longer hours than you and earns 4x more but that is his CHOICE, and doesn't mean he should expect you to do everything.

If you want to continue with this relationship, then you need to get a cleaner.

As for all his stuff, then give him the side of the bed away from the door, then just thrown all his stuff down his side of the bed so you don't have to look at it.

Perhaps a grown up discussion about some better storage in the house?

Butterflywings2 · 18/09/2023 09:39

To be honest I could live with the household chores issue if he isn't finishing work until 11pm (if this is every weekday) and paying more than his fair share. I would still expect him to do the dishes every other day though at the least.

What would upset me is the lack of prioritising you. Weekends spent apart and working until late, you don't spend any quality time together and that is something I could not put up with.

Whataretheodds · 18/09/2023 09:38

Changingplace · 17/09/2023 22:56

He’s treating you like a cleaner/housekeeper- very unattractive and what are you actually getting out of him spending every weekday hour working and every weekend out with his mates?

I think you’ve got bigger issues than the split of housework, and his attitude to that stinks anyway.

This in spades.

What do you get out of it? Good behaviour 2 weeks a year?

He pays a greater % of bills because he earns FOUR times your salary and thinks that entitles him to do nothing round the house? No thanks.

The things he's said have made it clear that he believes housework is woman's work. You aren't going to be able to negotiate a different position. You deserve a partner not a project.

Get out now while you can.

Ponderence · 18/09/2023 09:31

This sounds horrendous. What does he bring to the table except money? Doesn’t sound like you spend quality time? You’re doing all the housework, cooking etc. pre children our house rule was whoever didn’t cooked cleaned up the kitchen…:.:

PinkRoses1245 · 18/09/2023 09:31

We're a two adult household in a two bed flat and I can't recognise your situation in terms of the amount that needs doing? We barely spend any time doing household stuff, we just keep it clean as we go along, 2-3 loads of laundry at the weekend, food shop once a fortnight. I don't think I could be with someone who works that much, what a waste of a life. please don't have kids or get married to this man.

LittleObe · 18/09/2023 09:27

Yeah this isn't fair. At all.

I understand you making dinner as he works so much but last time I checked you weren't a housewife. What % of the bills/rent do you pay? If you're doing a money-chores split then he should at least be doing that % of the chores.

It's not right that you work full time and also have to do 100% of the home. And no way would I be putting a grown adults clothes away. They go on the bed and he can put them away.

He needs to take ownership of certain tasks and do them when he has time. My partner also works and earns more than me. Laundry is his main task and taking out the bins. I do most of everything else but we share - cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds and deep cleans.

He's taking you for a mug and being so disrespectful.

SeaToSki · 18/09/2023 09:25

My DH worked crazy hours and I was a SAHM. He still helped with the dc when he got home, cooked one night a week, paid for a cleaner, shared the weekend lie ins and spent weekend time with me/dc.

It doesnt sound like this man cherishes you, wants to spend time with you or is interested in your happiness. If he was he would hear what you have been asking about clearing out his belongings to help your MH (even if it was to just put it in storage) keep his stuff tidy, thank you for looking after the house and offer to pay for a cleaner and a dog walker as his contribution to his share of the household jobs etc. Does he actually need to work until 11, or is he up there gaming and hiding from you and the jobs?

Codlingmoths · 18/09/2023 09:24

Never ever sign up to do all the housework and work full time with a man who thinks your time is worthless and you can do all the shit work because you earn less. Never have kids with a man who refuses to cook- children need healthy home made meals and if he won’t cook then it’s all on you. Tell him that you never signed up to be his housemaid and cook, and it’s very offputting to think that he thinks all that is just your job. You are two adults in a relationship and you share it, if he can’t manage his share because he works such long hours he should take two weeks leave, throw out half of his shit then cut back to 4 days a week so he can contribute to the relationship.

do not accept this. You are not worth less than him. (I was big4 for a decade with big4 friends and family so I understand rhe demands perfectly. None of my family or friends ever thought it made us too special and important to wash dishes or tidy our own stuff. The best partners at big4 are just about always the ones who jump to pour you out a glass of water in a meeting, rather than wait for the junior to pass it around, have you noticed that?)

TomatoSandwiches · 18/09/2023 09:17

Look at the book Fair Play op, it's easy to pay for things if you have the money which he does, it's actual work ( mental load ) to have to think up, organise and execute an idea or chore.
What would he do if you turned a round at the weekend and said

" nah fuck the laundry for next week I've also got better things to do on the weekend "

He is implying that YOU have to do it because you have a vagina, he doesn't respect you or women in general by the sounds of it.

CharSiu · 18/09/2023 09:11

You need to walk away, he may possibly attempt to improve with that threat but I think he would revert to type. That type being a man that’s a misogynist who also doesn’t really love you. When DH and I are were together as a young couple pre ,arris he we split the cost of running the house as a different percentage of our wages as it was unequal but we shared chores.

Original poster
golassiego93 · 18/09/2023 09:08

I think having my cake and eating it too is a little harsh. I don’t expect the housework etc to be split 50/50, but something would be nice. It’s the stuff like remembering to take the dog to the groomer, the vet, get dog food. I do the food shop he just sends the money over. That kind of thing. I am well aware because of our hours I can do more but I’m asking is it unreasonable to be expected to do it ALL just because he earns more than me?

OP posts:
jungleRunner · 18/09/2023 04:10

He sounds like a knob OP. I earn 5x what my fiancée does, pay for the vast majority of stuff and still do half the household chores. Fiancée cooks, I wash up. We clean half the bathrooms each every week, I do yard work, laundry, vacuuming etc.

The other thing that does help a lot is that we both have the same minimalist attitude and we both value tidiness. We both detest hoarding. In a situation where you don't see eye to eye it's always going to be trickier. IMO you deserve better though.

He spends all week working and all weekend on his hobbies - when is it your time?

UpaladderwatchingTV · 18/09/2023 03:28

He really is one misogynistic pig, isn't he? He sounds like the type who works hard and plays hard with THE BOYS!! He then wants a little woman at home to see to his other wants and needs, like a clean home, a meal on the table and a shag when HE wants it! Bin him off OP, it really doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship at all, and like others have said, it would be a MASSIVE mistake to have kids with this man, so please, if you want children, find yourself a partner who treats you like an EQUAL and not as a skivvy. Times have changed, but your DP is living back in the 50's, when men were men, and wives put up with it. We don't have to do this anymore, so make life easier on yourself, and throw this one back in, because as the saying goes 'there are plenty more ......'

ThePoint678 · 18/09/2023 03:12

I agree that you are having your cake and eating it too. But he sounds deeply unpleasant. You’re just not compatible.

coxesorangepippin · 18/09/2023 02:13

He prioritizes going out with his mates over keeping the apartment today... he lets you do it instead.

It's easier for HIM if YOU do all the chores, and he will let you do them. Even though he knows you need a break. He doesn't care!

This means that he does not respect you.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 02:09

What "wonderful qualities" does he possess that negate his total lack of respect for you?

Scienceadvisory · 18/09/2023 01:52

I think if bills were 50/50 and hours at work were too then chores should be too. But that's not your situation. You get to save a lot more because of his salary and he only earns that salary by doing the long hours. You can't have it all. Perhaps going 50/50 with both bills and chores is the answer.

I do think he's being a dick about not getting a cleaner. He should also tidy up after himself and sort out his hoarding.

PinkArt · 18/09/2023 00:41

"he made sarcastic comments about how other women can keep a home and it’s normal and it’s a joke I struggle when I don’t have kids to run around after either."
Do one cleaning job and put this man in the fucking bin! How dare he. This is so insulting to you and to every single woman as he absolutely sees keeping house as women's work. Not for a big important man like him.
Personally I'd be done with someone who'd shown their card like that. He has no respect for you and how can you be in a relationship with someone who treats you with contempt? If you stick with him know that he won't change and that this will get so much worse if you have kids with him.

Original poster
golassiego93 · 18/09/2023 00:33

I’ll be honest I knew he could be a pig but I wasn’t quite expecting this reaction… making me rethink a few things. Hoping I can sit him down and speak to him about it. Like I said he has so many wonderful qualities too I don’t want to just end the relationship without trying to work it out. Glad I posted though as defo made me realise I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/09/2023 23:30

'Other women manage to keep a home'?

Well other women aren't living with complete funking pigs, infection other women are actually married to men who do their fair share even though the men may earn more than them and even though the women may be around more...because they are decent people

SwordToFlamethrower · 17/09/2023 23:21

Get rid. You are his skivvy and you're enabling it.

PeloMom · 17/09/2023 23:11

Expenses should be in proportion to income; chores should be in proportion to hours at work ( eg if he works 50 hrs and you work 10 hours you do 80% and he does 20%)

GrumpyPanda · 17/09/2023 23:10

He doesn't sound like a keeper. And for the love of God, don't have children with this man!

Floribundaflummery · 17/09/2023 23:05

DH and I (married 40+ years) have also shared childcare, householdstuff, cooking and shopping even though he earned 10x my salary and worked very long hours. He would never dream of speaking so horribly and you deserve way more love and respect.

Your DH has really shown you how little he thinks of you and other women with his words and I think being with him would make you deepl,y unhappy in the long run. Women need to make the life they want from the beginning. It’s way harder with children later on. Good luck finding a way forward.

Original poster
golassiego93 · 17/09/2023 23:03

Honestly it’s stupid stuff - every time he takes a drink or a coffee, he uses the same glass. I reuse the same mug for my tea all day then wash it at night. Stuff like this - I know I’m messy and leave things lying around so I do what I can to prevent.

all those shoes and not enough shoe storage, for example. I have a box under the bed all my shoes fit into, and another for handbags. He has two boxes, a shoe rack in the spare room and a shelf in the wardrobe and still shoes lying about. Have to shove them under the bed to get them out the way but looks so untidy - but he won’t cull any of them.

He has so much ‘stuff’ - as I’ve said he’s a total hoarder. Not shit either - things like a Burberry jumper that’s a size too small. He’s not worn it for years, I’ve asked him to get rid and he won’t because of what it cost - I’ve explained it’s wasted money if it sits in the wardrobe not being worn. Have offered to sell it for him on Vinted (I sell stuff regularly when doing clear outs) but he wouldn’t let me. He wears the same 5 outfits on repeat, no need for all the stuff he has. But I’m aware that I can’t tell him what to keep and throw out either, it’s got to come from him!

OP posts:
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