Partner being super insensitive!

Sherwood46 · 2023-09-16T06:27:01+00:00

So I’m 36 weeks pregnant with a back to back pregnancy, I have a lovely 9.5 month old little girl and heavily pregnant so basically been pregnant for best part of 18 months! So already I’m super emotional, tired and just a grouch. last night my partner went to his cousins house for a few hours and came home around midnight which I didn’t mind I try and get as much sleep as I can now anyways and it’s easier with the bed to myself! anyway when he’s got home he’s text his cousin to compliment her friend on her looks and “banging arse” and then proceeded to ask if she would like that said arse putting to good use to which his cousin replied she has a boyfriend and you have a fiancé. He fell asleep holding his phone unlocked so I grabbed it just to lock it and saw this, I locked it up and tried to get back to sleep but I just feel utterly disgusted! i know it’s probably nothing and he’s allowed to find other girls attractive but I’ve been crying and upset for the last few months about my appearance, how insecure I am with my body, my hips feeling like they are falling apart and just feeling generally crap about myself and this has just made me feel 10,000 times more insecure! AIBU if I confront him about this? Or should I just brush it under carpet as a joke and carry on?

flowerbombVR · 16/09/2023 14:10

I feel compelled to send this message to affirm what everyone else is saying - He is so so wrong and he knows it.
Reading your posts tho it feels like he has already done a job in breaking your self confidence and spirit. That you questioned the behaviour and were willing to brush it under the carpet.. speaks volumes
Bless you OP - please look at the Freedom Course no matter what the outcome of this situation is and re learn your own worth, make sure you have boundaries in place to never be treated like this again.

All the best op!

Aprilx · 16/09/2023 13:57

Your partner is a disgusting pig. His comments would have been vile even if he was single never mind having a pregnant partner.

You need to cut this vile misogynistic pig out of your life, well to the extent that you can, sadly you are saddled with him for life to a point.

Skinthin · 16/09/2023 13:52

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 09:14

Thank you all for your support! I just never know being pregnant if I’m overreacting! Hormones be crazy!

for clarity the 7 year old boy is not my partners but he has been in his life since he was two and is the only father figure he has ever known, as such the house is mine and in my name only, as is the car and all the bills, I’m looking into universal credit as we speak and hopefully I can survive on this and my maternity wage for the foreseeable.

I have woken him up from bed and confronted him, was fully honest with how I have seen it and I have read the messages, he hs said it was a joke between him and his cousin, I pointed out that she clearly didn’t find it funny and not only has he disrespected me he has disrespected me to his own family which shows he doesn’t care who knows he has no respect for me, he’s currently left the house in a huff in the car, just reminding myself I need to be strong for when he eventually tries to come back!

not exactly what I need when I’m booked for induction in 10 short days but like people have said I’m doing it all anyways so it’s not like I’ll feel the impact other than financially, thank you all again!

Well done OP. ❤️ you are 100% in the right. Don’t let him gas light you into thinking otherwise

YellowHatt · 16/09/2023 13:21

Genuinely really impressed @Sherwood46, well done.

redastherose · 16/09/2023 11:55

Well done @Sherwood46 he's a knob. Make sure you tell your family and his what he said and how he has been behaving then he can't minimise this and say you're at fault or overreacting as that is precisely what hat he'll do! I hope you can sort UC as he's nothing but an extra person to tidy up after cook for and look after at this point! You deserve so much more!

Sazza26xx · 16/09/2023 11:55

Leave sweetheart, he's a lazy mysoginistic pig, you are practically doing it alone now so just kick the dead weight to the kerb 🩷

saymynamesaymy · 16/09/2023 11:49

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 07:38

@TheBarbieEffect Yes you may be right here, he has a mild form of sleep apnea so he falls asleep at will and usually it’s TikTok blaring out and I always grab the phone to lock it but last night it was just the light coming from it annoying me so when I grabbed it and it was on the message thread I did read it so I guess that is snooping. I do not know his passwords and did not look at anything further but guess I have no right to be angry over a private conversation, thank you for the clarity

Erm you do have a right to be angry. He's an absolute twat. Why does he have the right to tell his cousin to tell another woman how she has a nice arse and if she needs it sorting out or whatever it was

marymungoNminge · 16/09/2023 11:46

zingally · 16/09/2023 09:48

Yes, it warrants a conversation!!

You are soon to have two very young children with this man, and am planning to marry him! You need to know where you stand.

I agree.

He sounds like a swine OP.

zingally · 16/09/2023 09:48

Yes, it warrants a conversation!!

You are soon to have two very young children with this man, and am planning to marry him! You need to know where you stand.

Purplewarrior · 16/09/2023 09:20

I would make sure you get the car back before you give him his marching orders. At least everything else is in your name and you aren’t married, so he can just fuck off and send you 20 % of his net pay for the next 18 years.

If he’s good with the kids he can still be the proverbial “good dad” from wherever he’s living. Why do some men fuck it all up like this, only thinking with their dicks?

jeaux90 · 16/09/2023 09:17

OP phew I'm so glad you are in control of your own assets and finances.

Too often I see women in a corner with no way out.

I'm glad you've handed him his own arse this morning.

Disrespectful dickhead.

Tramlines · 16/09/2023 09:15

The only arse banging that would have been going on, would have been his phone being shoved up his arse sideways if I'd seen a message like that.
I know it's easy to say LTB, but for you especially when you have kids it's hard, but seriously do you really want to be with a bloke who shows so little regard and respect to you?

Original poster

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 09:14

Thank you all for your support! I just never know being pregnant if I’m overreacting! Hormones be crazy!

for clarity the 7 year old boy is not my partners but he has been in his life since he was two and is the only father figure he has ever known, as such the house is mine and in my name only, as is the car and all the bills, I’m looking into universal credit as we speak and hopefully I can survive on this and my maternity wage for the foreseeable.

I have woken him up from bed and confronted him, was fully honest with how I have seen it and I have read the messages, he hs said it was a joke between him and his cousin, I pointed out that she clearly didn’t find it funny and not only has he disrespected me he has disrespected me to his own family which shows he doesn’t care who knows he has no respect for me, he’s currently left the house in a huff in the car, just reminding myself I need to be strong for when he eventually tries to come back!

not exactly what I need when I’m booked for induction in 10 short days but like people have said I’m doing it all anyways so it’s not like I’ll feel the impact other than financially, thank you all again!

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 16/09/2023 09:12

I'd definitely confront him and not sweep it under the carpet. His messages were bad enough but the fact he doesn't pull his weight at home either is disgusting.

Purplewarrior · 16/09/2023 09:10

He sounds disgusting and if he hasn’t already cheated on you, he’s clearly up for it.

He sounds like a shit partner. I would be making plans to leave. So sorry.

jeaux90 · 16/09/2023 09:06

Firstly he's an arsehole.

Secondly, you are not married but live together and you have 3 DC?

You are doing all the housework and childcare?

You are on maternity leave from work ?

You would usually be the main earner?

Yes he's an arse but I'm more worried about the corner you are in right now.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 16/09/2023 09:04

Sorry misread it's his cousins friend. Still disgusting

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 16/09/2023 09:03

No YANBU, it's awful enough even without the fact he fancies his COUSIN😬

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/09/2023 09:03

If you're not allowed to get angry about things fine behind your back noone would ever leave a marriage due to discovered infidelity. That's a ridiculous position to hold. If it was a private conversation about how you irritate him or he's pissed off with your whatever bad habit, then you might have a point..we all like to vent occasionally, but this is specifically an attempt to cheat on you. Do not think for one second you are not allowed to be upset about it.

Lex345 · 16/09/2023 08:59

You are not being unreasonable. He is not just being insensitive-he is being disrespectful-and not only has he said these appalling, uninvited and objectifying comments about another woman it sounds like he hardly knows when he has a pregnant fiance, he has added to the humiliation by voicing these to a third party, who rightly pulled him up on it.

I would be fucking furious.

Do not allow him to blame tiredness/hormones/anything else for your emotional response to this.

BigSadie · 16/09/2023 08:58

This "man" sounds like a complete bass turd and don't be surprised if he's getting it somewhere else too. Sorry hun.

towriteyoumustlive · 16/09/2023 08:24

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 08:02

Thank you all for the honest replies! I will 100% speak to him about this and be honest with how I saw it, he knows I always grab the phone to lock it but I will be honest and tell him I read the thread of messages!

@ChesterAndRaoul you are 100% right, and yes there insecurity issues and I guess just issues in general, I’ve obviously been on maternity leave for almost a year now so he’s been the breadwinner but before that I was the one that earned more. Because of his new status I do 100% of the housework and 99% of the parenting (we have a 7year old and the 9.5 month old) he’s done 1 bath time and 2 night feeds in the last nine months but still calls me lazy most days if his tea is not ready when he gets home so guess I’m already feeling not enough no matter how many times I try and explain how I’m feeling to him!

He sounds like an absolute twat!

I would be kicking him out, especially after finding those messages on his phone.

He clearly has zero respect for you.

Skinthin · 16/09/2023 08:18

I voted YABU because this isn’t “insensitive” it’s super sleazy, disgusting and disrespectful behaviour. The man is clearly a misogynist and given any opportunity to cheat, he will, so be aware.

ChesterAndRaoul · 16/09/2023 08:17

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 08:02

Thank you all for the honest replies! I will 100% speak to him about this and be honest with how I saw it, he knows I always grab the phone to lock it but I will be honest and tell him I read the thread of messages!

@ChesterAndRaoul you are 100% right, and yes there insecurity issues and I guess just issues in general, I’ve obviously been on maternity leave for almost a year now so he’s been the breadwinner but before that I was the one that earned more. Because of his new status I do 100% of the housework and 99% of the parenting (we have a 7year old and the 9.5 month old) he’s done 1 bath time and 2 night feeds in the last nine months but still calls me lazy most days if his tea is not ready when he gets home so guess I’m already feeling not enough no matter how many times I try and explain how I’m feeling to him!

This is not acceptable, and it's also something you need to sit him down and talk to him about, and to be firm with him that it is not okay to treat you like a maid.

Raising children and managing a household is NOT a full-time job, where you have scheduled break and paid time off. It is an all day job, and it is one that he needs to help with.

He is present in the relationship as a paycheck only, not as a partner and not as a father - You deserve a partner and your kids deserve a real father.

Speak to him about this too, and explain that if he is not going to be an involved partner and father then surely you'd be better off alone? At least you won't be in a relationship that makes you feel insecure, and you'd still be doing the same work you do now....

CyberCritical · 16/09/2023 08:16

Sherwood46 · 16/09/2023 07:38

@TheBarbieEffect Yes you may be right here, he has a mild form of sleep apnea so he falls asleep at will and usually it’s TikTok blaring out and I always grab the phone to lock it but last night it was just the light coming from it annoying me so when I grabbed it and it was on the message thread I did read it so I guess that is snooping. I do not know his passwords and did not look at anything further but guess I have no right to be angry over a private conversation, thank you for the clarity

Hang on just one second.

You might not have been supposed to see it but you have every right to be angry now you have. Your fiancé, the father of your children is talking about wanting to have sex with other women and asking his cousin to pass on gross sexist comments.

Get angry, be angry and do something about it.