Ds19 not come home

I also have a 19 year old son who struggles w his mental health, but in different ways. The main thing is that you do talk it out, and he can come up with some solutions. Would he be open to counselling (mine has had therapy on and off but it’s never been effective cos the bugger thinks he knows better), everyone is different though and it depends on his issues. Good luck.

OP I can see you love your son dearly and have so much compassion for him. The hurt you feel is because you love him so much. The first thing he has to do is stop drinking and taking substances as these are not helping in any way. He really needs to think about getting some help now before this takes over his life.

he’ll be dealing with a lot as I said in my PP low self worth/self esteem issues of loneliness, shame and abandonment.

I really hope you manage to get him some help.

Hope you are both doing OK. I can see you are a very caring parent, it's gonna be tough on you if you aren't the one he needs to share with.

Even, or especially, if you are the most important person in his life, telling you his thoughts might just be too difficult. He probably won't want 'to let you down' even though that's not what you think.

If u can, make sure he knows sharing with someone else is ok if it helps him, and signpost him to mens help groups like Andys shed, motorcycle mental health, there must be others

Young mens mental health is really tricky and sadly not always acknowledged.

Tough call, sorry.

He lives under her roof, and is still her son, no matter how old he is. It's called common courtesy, and respect!

I do think he's suffering with feelings of rejection from his dad, especially with the news of the adoption. Please try to get him to talking therapy, he'd probably open up to a therapist more than he would you. I've been in your position, it's a constant worry. Your anger comes from a place of panic and fear. Be kind to yourself and please get him help. Good Luck.

OP, call me cynical but if I'm honest I'd be suspicious that in his drunken guilt at his behaviour, he's lost all sensible reason and looked through the tablets in the house and has had a bit of a Google to see what he could take that wouldn't hurt him but would make you feel sorry for him and not give him a massive bollocking.

I mean, presumably like most households you have things like paracetamol etc. that he knows would do damage if that's what he actually wanted? Rather than some random thing he'd never heard of and that he didn't know what it was for.

Obviously you can't take the risk that he did mean to hurt himself, but I'd have it in the back of my mind. It's just the way he's apparently being devastated about his job and having a 'problem' when he drinks, but he's also managed to see a selection of people in various places today and conveniently avoided you and the talk he agreed to have.

It's natural to be angry at suicidal thoughts, feelings, attempts or suicide itself. I've lost loved ones to suicide and I'm furious, even years later.

Of course it's important to have somewhere to express your anger so that you can put it aside when you're with your son. He needs you to be calm, supportive, understanding and loving, so expressing it here, or with friends or therapy if needed, is a good thing.

I hope your son feels able to open up to you when he's recovered from the initial shock and I hope you're ok.

Told him it's all down to him if he doesn't have a job and he needs to grow up now and start acting like an adult.

So when he opened up to you as you wanted and told you he felt sorry and ashamed and an idiot, you responded by kicking him whilst he was down? I’m not suggesting you should baby him or clean up his messes, but the lad took an overdose a couple of days ago. He’s clearly not coping, not happy and you were angry he didn’t come and talk to you first. Maybe he knew the reaction he would get and didn’t feel like he could deal with it. He isn’t running home for the big chat you’re supposed to be having.

I don’t dispute that you love him and care deeply, but there’s something stopping him coming to you first.

OP I’ve been through similar with my DD. If you go to the gp about his mental health you can get a drs paper covering his time off work. If you get one for a few weeks or even months and backdate it, it will give him time to sort himself out and decide wether he wants to go back to work there.
They can’t sack him for mental health issues

I’ve been here so many times when my son was that age. I’ve phoned police stations and hospitals and ploughed through snow a foot deep looking fir him. He’d appear the next day as if nothing was amiss. He’ll turn up tomorrow as bold as brass and you’ll be so thankful you won’t even be cross.

Don’t know if this helps when I was that age work came second to girls and drink had the odd fight.
I would disappear for the weekend drive my parents daft.
then I settled down been ether a foreman or manager in all my jobs till I retired he’s still young just be there for him don’t throw him out he needs a haven best of luck to both of you .

@bellaroo92 Just a little FYI. If he really rejects your advice to speak to the GP, you can phone them on his behalf and request a 3rd party tel call or face to face appointment. They obviously won't be able to discuss medical records with you but they would note your consultation on his notes and can give you a ton of advice/ numbers/ websites for help with your son for himself (and you).

Ever thought of reading the OP's posts?

@bellaroo92 have you been able to talk yet? I worry that he's avoiding it

He’s met a girl & has stayed at hers; leave him to it; he’s not thinking of you today mummy!! he’s too busy; for work as well; he’s busy making the girl smile 😊

I haven't read any or most of the replies, just your posts and replies, as the mother of a 20yo who will balme anything and anyone but himself, who knows I have his back 100% I totally see it from your point of view. Yes, he needs love and understanding but he also needs a good dose of 'get your shit together'. He knows you love him, he knows you have his back......he just needs some help getting his shit together. I swear this stage is worse than any other, you're an adult but also no you're bloody not!

Bellaroo. I obviously have no idea if it is available in your area but the NHS provide talking therapy via TimeTo Talk. You can find out if it is available in your area by just googling NHS Time to Talk.
It is free and you can access it by self referral online at any time. It has literally been a lifeline for my son.
I wish you both well.

I took a tablet overdose when I was a bit younger than your DS. At the time I was having issues with my Mum, nothing too major she just wouldn't give me a minute, wouldn't let me move, questioned absolutely every move I made. It just got too much and I didn't care anymore so I took the tablets. Stupid I know. Looking back now absolutely crazy. But a young mind doesn't process reality like our more grown up minds do.

Try and sit with him, peel back the layers, understand his issue, understand why he's blocking you but not your sister. This might be an easy fix if he will just open up to you.

I havent read all the comments so not sure if it's been suggested, but this company can help when there's a drink/drug issue....

https://www.changegrowlive.org/

I do feel sorry for your son as he has some really difficult issues to deal with but he can't act immaturely and feel he can get away with it.

He needs to not drink or take drugs, respect you and take.his job seriously. It's great he has one and I hope they give him a second chance. And that he appreciates it.

If he is finding things difficult he needs to get help for them. He can't just manipulate you into feeling sorry for him as he is just excusing himself from any responsibility. I can see it becoming a cycle.

I agree that you seem like a wonderful mum, and I wish your son all the best. It is hard but he can step up and do this.