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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I doing enough?

60 replies

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 09:44

I have been living with my partner for the last 3 years but I still have my own house which I’m still paying for. My partner has full custody of his Son who is 13 who doesn’t see his Mum. I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up.
My partner expects me to cook meals for him and his Son as he works long hours (self employed) and this is becoming a “bone of contention” between us. My partner feels like I don’t do enough. I should mention that I have ADHD and I really dislike and struggle with cooking as it stresses me out so much and I feel that he should not expect me to do the cooking (but I do sometimes) I feel it’s his house not mine. I do all the laundry for him and his Son, wash up after all meals, clean the house, (4 bedroom detached, 2 bathrooms, so not small, iron uniforms, sort things out for his Son, parent his Son, take him to his cadets. I also do things for my partner when he asks. The other week, for example I went out of my way to put money in the bank for his business which was in another town. I sort everything out for holidays, Christmas etc. I feel sometimes the only thing I do get out of the relationship is the fact he makes my meals. We don’t get any time on our own as a couple as we always have the child with us, and I accept this. I don’t contribute financially because he won’t take anything and I am still paying for my house. I feel my contribution to the house is doing what I do for him and his Son. I do work myself.

OP posts:
Catza · 14/09/2023 10:18

Taking on a brunt of the household chores is not a problem in itself if you both agreed to it. I have a similar agreement with my partner who only takes a couple of hundreds from me a month towards bills and pays for all the housing, holidays and days out. This is something we discussed and agreed to. I get to keep all of my salary and I work from home so doing chores in between clients is not an issue for me. However, when my partner did have a cheek to say that he is the one "doing everything", he was given an option to switch. I will pay for the house, he will do the cleaning. And I will behave the same way he does which is leave everything lying around. Not surprisingly, he shut up and never brought it up again.
I also made a rule that my 13 y/o step daughter washes up after every meal on Saturdays and puts her own laundry on. She is big enough to handle this level of responsibility. I also have a rule that our dog is his on the weekend. I don't do any walking or feeding except Mon-Fri when she is with me.
I also do the things for his business like going to a bank, organising transport, dealing with letters but on understanding that this is an occasional favor, not routine.
I also have my own property (albeit abroad) but the mortgage is payed off. Since I work remotely he very well knows that I can up and leave at any moment. This is not to say that I use it as a bargaining chip in the relationship but I think it is important for the man to feel like you have options rather than you being fully dependent on him.
What I would say, however, is that you may need to discuss financial matters. Without minimising your experience, it is quite possible that he is under a lot of pressure bearing the financial responsibility for everyone and it may well improve things if you insists he takes some money to cover the bills. I know that in our situation it made all the difference. When we first moved in together he was a right twat and I considered leaving but as soon as I sat him down and explained that I want to contribute to the household so it feels like it is my home too, he was a different man. Mind you, he never ever told me to go home (probably because he knew I could very easily do that).

Original poster
ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:16

In fairness to him he pays for meals out etc as he is quite well off. I have offered him money for my being here but he wont take any. Sometimes I will buy him things or I’ll pay for a meal out. I have tried pointing out that I do for him and his son but don’t feel like anything is done for just “me” Yes he cooks me food but he’s cooking it anyway and I’ve also said he’d have alot more to do without me here. His words “he probably wouldn’t notice as it’s so little” I am on the verge of going back to my own house and maybe just seeing him at weekends or giving up the relationship altogether. We always seem to be having the same argument. His brother and friend have both told him he’s being the mug! And I feel like I’m trying to constantly get through to him how much I do and that he won’t be satisfied until I am doing everything to make his life easier.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 14/09/2023 10:16

Oh dear, what an awful man. He’s very selfish and self-centred. He can’t see your perspective at all which is worrying.

HelpWhatIf · 14/09/2023 10:11

Good god you need to move back to your house now. He sounds like a grade A twat. I don’t use this term lightly but PLEASE LTB.

Glittertwins · 14/09/2023 10:09

Leave and go back to your own house. You can then reevaluate the relationship as to what you want too.

TibetanTerrah · 14/09/2023 10:08

Selfish? What does he do for you? Because from your OP I can only see one selfish one in the relationship and it ain't you!

The only thing is that you don't contribute financially, but why would you/how can you - when he's made it very clear you're nothing more than a guest he can send home when he wants?

Original poster
ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:02

Thanks for your response. I’ve tried explaining this to him that he’s expecting me to take on responsibility like we’re married. And I feel I do more than enough, I’m not there just to be a skivvy to him and his Son and that I’ve got to get something out of it. He calls me selfish for saying this.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 14/09/2023 09:50

You decide what's 'enough', not him. This is all his baggage, and his responsibility, not yours.

Tbh you both sound like you're half in, half out with this. You're wise to hold onto your own place though, and he's using you for his convenience, but when you put a toe out of line he tells you to fuck off home.

Humidititties · 14/09/2023 09:50

Go home, he's using you as a housekeeper - you're better than this

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 14/09/2023 09:48

Move out. Seriously.
He's got the best of both worlds here doesn't he. He has a nanny, cook, house keeper and someone to share a bed with, with no commitment and with an attitude of like it or go home.