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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I doing enough?

60 replies

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 09:44

I have been living with my partner for the last 3 years but I still have my own house which I’m still paying for. My partner has full custody of his Son who is 13 who doesn’t see his Mum. I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up.
My partner expects me to cook meals for him and his Son as he works long hours (self employed) and this is becoming a “bone of contention” between us. My partner feels like I don’t do enough. I should mention that I have ADHD and I really dislike and struggle with cooking as it stresses me out so much and I feel that he should not expect me to do the cooking (but I do sometimes) I feel it’s his house not mine. I do all the laundry for him and his Son, wash up after all meals, clean the house, (4 bedroom detached, 2 bathrooms, so not small, iron uniforms, sort things out for his Son, parent his Son, take him to his cadets. I also do things for my partner when he asks. The other week, for example I went out of my way to put money in the bank for his business which was in another town. I sort everything out for holidays, Christmas etc. I feel sometimes the only thing I do get out of the relationship is the fact he makes my meals. We don’t get any time on our own as a couple as we always have the child with us, and I accept this. I don’t contribute financially because he won’t take anything and I am still paying for my house. I feel my contribution to the house is doing what I do for him and his Son. I do work myself.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 14/09/2023 12:45

He thinks he’s got a full time maid. Don’t keep accepting this. You are worth much more than he thinks. Move out and return to your house, when he protests for losing his maid remind him he repeatedly tells you to “go home”.

hookiewookie29 · 14/09/2023 12:38

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 14/09/2023 09:48

Move out. Seriously.
He's got the best of both worlds here doesn't he. He has a nanny, cook, house keeper and someone to share a bed with, with no commitment and with an attitude of like it or go home.

This!!

Cowlover89 · 14/09/2023 12:30

LTB

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/09/2023 12:26

If the13yr old is 'up to no good' now then get out before his bad behaviour worsens and becomes viewed as your fault.

Patchworksack · 14/09/2023 11:43

Another voice saying go home, let him live in chaos and shoulder full responsibility for home and parenting for a bit and then have another conversation about who contributes what to the relationship. Seven years is a long time to be together so presumably he has some good points? But perhaps it works better for you to live separately and see him on your terms.

Laurdo · 14/09/2023 11:30

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:02

Thanks for your response. I’ve tried explaining this to him that he’s expecting me to take on responsibility like we’re married. And I feel I do more than enough, I’m not there just to be a skivvy to him and his Son and that I’ve got to get something out of it. He calls me selfish for saying this.

Even if you were married it's not your responsibility to do everything in the house and for his son. He sounds horrid!

Twistyemily · 14/09/2023 11:25

Go home. Dump the so-called partner. Share your house with your sister while she needs to. You're mad to put up with this. You're being used.

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 11:19

@mondaytosunday Thank you

my house is empty at present but my sister is in the process of selling hers and moving into mine for some time until she finds a suitable home. I just don’t want to keep having the same arguments with him, justifying what I do. He has no time at all to parent his Son it’s me that does it. The child tells lies and needs to be watched like a hawk or as soon as your backs turned he’s up to no good. He runs circles around his Dad because hes too busy with running a business. Or he would be on his own a lot if I wasn’t here. I think he would go down the wrong road so to speak. I do things for his Son but partner thinks that should be a given. Never any appreciation.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 11:15

@AffIt Thank you for your input. 😊
Totally agree, I get no appreciation for what I actually do. I say to him “good luck finding someone else to put up with this if we split up” I used to see him just at weekends mainly as my Son was living with me then. He’s grown up now at uni. We have been together 7 years. It worked better when I wasn’t expected to take on the responsibility of his busy life and child. I think I will be going home. Unless by showing him these comments there is a very small chance he will see that he is actually in the wrong and change his behaviour. I believe I do more than enough to contribute to the “relationship”

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 14/09/2023 11:11

Even if you were married you shouldn't be doing more than half, and less than half when it homes to his son.
If your house is sitting there empty go home for a bit. And stop doing everything! Working longer hours is no train gif him to shirk all household responsibilities.

herewegoagainfriends · 14/09/2023 11:05

Go home. The power dynamic is wrong as it is, and by convincing you to give up your house, he'll trap you into feeling like you have no options other to stay when things get even worse.

Of course he doesn't like it when you go home. He has to then actually look after his child himself and clean and his own house.

You could consider dating him without living together to see if he's more tolerable that way, but I would be surprised if he was.

PS You deserve more than this.

AffIt · 14/09/2023 11:04

Ha ha ha, nope. Absolutely not.

There are times when it makes sense for one person to do more of x, but it's discussed, agreed on, the other person takes on more of y to balance and most importantly, both partners appreciate each other's contribution and give the required respect and thanks.

You're not getting any of this: as PPs have said, you're essentially a housekeeper with an unpleasant boss.

Go back to your own house asap and if it was me, I'd sack this eejit off entirely, but you may want to continue the r/ship on a more casual basis: up to you.

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 11:00

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2023 10:49

Was it his idea you move in with him. Move back to yours telling him you need your own space

@Bananalanacake I moved in during covid and just ended up staying. He suggested I gave up my house a few times. I don’t mind doing the household stuff but what I do mind his him thinking I don’t do enough and the expectation that I should be the one to cook meals. Especially when you take into account I also do it for his Son.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2023 10:49

Was it his idea you move in with him. Move back to yours telling him you need your own space

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:40

@SeulementUneFois Thank you. No I won’t be another one. I won’t give him that power by giving my house up. I just don’t want to keep the house on forever paying for a house I don’t stay at but have always kept it for security. I know after posting that the best option is for me to go back to my own house. Maybe stay here at weekends or give up the relationship completely. He’s as nice as nine pence when he thinks I’m taking steps to go back home. I can’t be bothered with the game playing and using the house as threat. I shouldn’t need to do that in a relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:35

@Foggyfoggyfoggy Thank you I think that’s exactly what I will be doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:32

@TibetanTerrah Thank you. This is spot on

OP posts:

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 14/09/2023 10:31

You are nothing more than a glorified nanny /housekeeper op. Get yourself back to your own home.

SeulementUneFois · 14/09/2023 10:30

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 14/09/2023 09:48

This OP.
I know what I'm talking about.
This:
". I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up. "
Is exactly my situation. Only he has thrown me out a couple of times.
(His defense now is "when did I last do that?!" I.e. that he hasn't done it in a while.)

Don't be another one of us.
Please leave him.

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:29

@meganorks Thank you. Yes I have decided that I am going back to my own house and let him see. I think it’s best if we just see each other more casually or not at all. He is very stressed with the hours he works and all the other things he has to do, his life is chaos and he’s expecting me to relive all the load for him without him trying to make changes himself. Like I’ve explained to him I don’t think he’d be happy until im doing everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:26

@Catza
Thnaks for your input
He is very well off so financial pressure isn’t the problem. I do have options because I’ve still got my own house and also I work remotely. He says go home in anger but then doesn’t want me to go. On occasions, I have gone back to my own house and he doesn’t seem to like that. I just wanted confirmation that I am doing more than enough to contribute to the household which I view as me doing for him and his Son. I have also done things on behalf of his business even though he employs someone to do this for him.

OP posts:

meganorks · 14/09/2023 10:24

Well the only way he will see how much you do is you leave and stop doing it. But in all honesty, I can't see why you would want to go back. If he was appreciative of all you do, that would be one thing. But making you his housemaid and constantly criticising shows you all you need to know. LTB!

widowtwankywashroom · 14/09/2023 10:21

You aren't his partner you are his unpaid home help whom he has sex with who occasionally takes you out for a meal to justify it
Read that back several times, is this really what you want/expect from life

Gazelda · 14/09/2023 10:20

I bet he tells his brother and friend that he pays for everything and you contribute nothing while he also has to do all the cooking.

He's not kind to you. He doesn't appreciate you. He belittles you. He doesn't see you as a partner. You don't need him. You don't sound happy.

Honestly, you'd be far better off moving back to your home and either see him a couple of times a week or dump him completely.

TibetanTerrah · 14/09/2023 10:19

Right, well you see by him not taking money it's keeping the power dynamic firmly in place? He's making you feel like you should contribute in non-financial ways i.e. being the skivvy. It's not him being generous, he's leveraging that dynamic to make you feel pressured into helping him non-financially.

Oh, and the saying you do so little it's unnoticeable both devalues what you do do, and makes you feel you should be doing more to 'equal' the lack of financial side.

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