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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU Being annoyed and setting rules

30 replies

Familyiness · 11/09/2023 22:22

For my 21 year old daughter, her bf is pretty much always here, stays for weeks on end. I'm getting annoyed with her disregarding me, ie using the shower at gone 11pm, and there not quiet. Doing his washing now to, they never stay at his, as his room is too small. Today at least one of them had a shower earlier, then tonight the 2 of them went again, 50mins in the shower. She doesn't seem to understand how much this costs. They are off on holiday tomorrow but I feel I need to have words when she gets back about not taking the Mickey with showers etc.
For further context, he is a nice enough lad, I suffer with fibromyaglia and my husband has been off sick from work since Jan, he has had an op on his knee recently and it's looking likely he won't be able to return to work, as its not getting any better, so money is an issue as it is.
She works full time from home aswell, so 2 monitors and a pc running all day too she does pay 260 permonth rent, this includes her food aswell.
Would it be unreasonable to ask that showers are kept short and to one a day per person, and to restrict how often he stays over.

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BananaPyjamaLlama · 13/10/2023 00:55

"She works full time from home aswell, so 2 monitors and a pc running all day too she does pay 260 permonth rent, this includes her food aswell.
Would it be unreasonable to ask that showers are kept short and to one a day per person, and to restrict how often he stays over."
I think you are being taken for a mug op - £260 a month is peanuts. Particularly as that includes food and all bills essentially for not just her but him too.

And dont restrict showers to one a day....... A five minute (5 not 50!) shower every other day is plenty (unless they've spent the day rolling in mud/sweaty/work as chefs etc)

I would double the rent and ask them to be looking for somewhere else to live asap tbh. (for context I have kids this age and wouldnt tolerate the circumstances you are currently experiencing)

Original poster
Familyiness · 13/10/2023 00:11

Bins are emptied every 2 weeks. So takeaway containers every night fills the wheelie bins up, and there is 5 of us living here full time. And that's with me recycling as much as I can. They won't empty them if the lids do not close.
If you don't live in England then you probably don't get it. I'm Ocd aswell so having lots of rubbish hanging around will drive me batty.

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fuckssaaaaake · 12/10/2023 23:51

Bin space? I said it

Original poster
Familyiness · 12/10/2023 23:09

@newbie202020 I don't put the wash on unless there is a full load. If they all washed separately, it would be lots of little loads. All the washing goes in one large basket and I put a wash on most mornings, if there's enough for a full load of darks or whites. They do their own bedding.
We have had a chat and I think she understands where I'm coming from now and is not having him over quite so often. He is also signing his tenancy soon, and his carpets are going in.
Also she is planning to move out possibly Feb time with a friend of hers in a house share, so she can have an office room for her work. She doesn't want to move in with her bf yet as they haven't even been together a year yet. They do seem good together and he does treat her well.

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newbie202020 · 01/10/2023 17:22

Why on earth are you doing his washing (& your daughter's....)?!???!?

nutbrownhare15 · 01/10/2023 17:15

In your shoes I'd be saying 3 nights max (if you say 3/4 you know it would be 4). And working out exactly how much she (and he) is costing you in food and bills and charging her that in rent.

Original poster
Familyiness · 01/10/2023 17:14

@Sigmama yeah she was dying his hair apparently, rinsing it off.

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Thewizardbinbag · 01/10/2023 17:07

You daughter sounds a bit pig headed. Does she realise that she is trespassing on your goodwill at this point? Because it sounds like she thinks the place revolves around her rather than having give and take around everyone’s needs.

Sigmama · 01/10/2023 16:08

50 min shower?

yumyumscheeky · 01/10/2023 16:05

I think 3/4 days is absolutely more than reasonable. It would be too much for me but if you don’t mind that’s up to you.
I think your daughter sounds a bit rude and demanding. You’ve been more than fair.
its time to put your foot down. You don’t ask her, you TELL her what works for YOU.
It’s your house, you set the rules.

Original poster
Familyiness · 01/10/2023 14:11

So I've had a chat with her, apparently I'm being unreasonable asking to limit the number of days he spends here. Its not all about the money, its the extra work for me, the extra bin space, extra washing, sometimes it's nice just to be us here without other people in the house.
I suggested 3/4 days a week. Which I don't think is unreasonable. I don't think she realises how much extra work one extra person is, that's extra loo roll, towels. For me it's mainly that mental pressure all the time.
I've just told her if they want to live together then they should get their own place, it shouldn't be on me to facilitate it.
His mother is taking none of the strain, I'm taking it all and I think that's unfair.

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Original poster
Familyiness · 16/09/2023 18:36

Also my daughter is saving for a mortgage, which is another reason ie tried to keep her rent as low as I can.
She currently has 7grand saved up. She needs a little bit more before a mortgage is possible.

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Original poster
Familyiness · 16/09/2023 18:34

@Scienceadvisory Yes he has been allocated a bungalow on a supported housing plot, because of his Autism. So he can try to live independently. He is almost 25.

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Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 12/09/2023 05:42

I would up her rent a little and add a $10 a night fee for her boyfriend.

Findyourneutralspace · 12/09/2023 02:10

I have a 21 year old whose partner stays frequently. I do understand both sides of this. It’s easy to say ‘when I was their age’ but the current housing market is really tough for youngsters starting out at the moment.
If you want to allow them the space to have a nice relationship it’s totally fine to set some ground rules. In addition to their rent can you have a household kitty that they pay in for things like milk, toothpaste, shower gel etc or ask them to replace things when they run out?
i have a kind of curfew with mine that when I’m in bed they have to be quiet and they are pretty good at respecting it. Late night showers can stop. Up the board and set time limits, maybe say X night is family night, or you provide a meal on Y night (I do Sunday dinner and they pretty much sort themselves out the rest of the time from their own pockets).
You need to find what works for you, as it’s not doing you any good as things are. If they are a nice young couple they will appreciate you and want to get along.

yumyumscheeky · 12/09/2023 01:49

I think you're being way too lenient. When I lived at home in my 20's there was no way boyfriends were allowed to stay over. Visit, yes but not staying. At the time I thought my mum was totally unreasonable but now I totally get it.
It's your home and you don't want other people constantly staying over. Two weeks is absolutely insane!
Plus it gives you a push to move out and become more independent if there are rules are home.

Scienceadvisory · 12/09/2023 00:48

Are you sure that the bf has been given a bungalow? Social housing (particularly bungalows) are nigh on impossible for single young people with no dependents to get. It also wouldn't make sense to house him in a bungalow rather than a 1 bed flat. I'm probably too cynical but I just wondered whether they are stringing you along?

Webmeister999 · 12/09/2023 00:39

With all these adult children already living in the house it must seem like you are running a hotel. When do you ever get any quiet ME time? I would be having a meeting with all parties to talk about money/costs and visiting times. And laying down some ground rules.

When I was in my teens I had a BF who was around our house almost every night. My parents did not dislike him but they felt this was too much. This was because I was never invited to his house. Eventually my mother said he had to cut down his visits to no more than twice a week as it was like having an extra child in the house. We spent a lot of time walking the streets and sitting in cinemas and eventually broke up.

Original poster
Familyiness · 11/09/2023 23:29

@Ragwort I assumed she would do the same as my son and maybe stay over a day or 2. The thing is he stayed for almost 2 weeks, went home for one day, then he was back.
I get that he doesn't have space at his but they surely don't need to spend every waking moment together for weeks at a time. I'm married and even we don't spend every single moment together.
I will let them enjoy their holiday and sit her down once she is back.

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Tinkerbyebye · 11/09/2023 23:21

It’s very simple you increase her rent, and he also pays rent

so she pays £500 and he pays £250

Ragwort · 11/09/2023 22:53

Why are you letting the pair of them walk all over you and take you for granted? Just stand firm, tell your DD it is not appropriate for her to invite her BF to stay ... was it ever even discussed or did she just move him in by stealth? They both sound entitled, lazy and clearly don't respect you and your DH. They can move out and get a house share if they want to play at being 'grown ups' .. not use your home. I have a 22year old and no way would I put up with that behaviour.

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2023 22:48

It's fine to limit the amount he stays, especially considering he'll have his own place very soon. It's also fine to set rules about how late they can shower etc.

Chestnutz · 11/09/2023 22:47

Can you get her to cover the water bill as part of her contribution to the house?

WineIsMyMainVice · 11/09/2023 22:47

I know about your condition (a bit) and I know that stress is not good. So you need to take care of yourself.
But equally your DD should also be looking out for you!
Her rent is way too low for what you’ve described. I don’t care what part of the country you’re in !!! But also he should maybe be contributing when he stays for long periods of time?
Good luck op

Original poster
Familyiness · 11/09/2023 22:44

@Tothemoonandbackx yes and 2 other people live here too, my son 20 who pays rent too, he has a gf and she stays a couple of days a week when he isn't working and she isn't. They are generally pretty quiet and don't take the mick with showers etc. And my youngest 17 who is autistic also, other learning disabilities and attends college 3 days a week.
I'm going to speak to her once she gets back from her holiday.

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