Am I just as bad?

I wasn't trying to be nasty, just answer the question. It sounds like an all round crap situation for you. I can't begin to imagine how awful I would feel it DH just turned around and said to me that he wants a divorce and hurry up about it because he's got dates to be on! Your husband is being really shitty about it all. But I don't agree staying together till your son is an adult is a good solution either. I know I couldn't do that.
I can understand you wanting to move away, especially if you have connections somewhere else. I just really can't see that being what your son would want. But it's all theoretical at the moment so maybe you just need to wait until you've told him.

Sorry OP but you have had some really harsh comments on here tonight with people missing the point about what you were asking/saying.
Your stbx clearly isn't putting your DS' interests first if he is already planning his next shag. Whatever people tell you about being entitled to move on, parents happiness etc, it messes kids up when their parents don't wait before jumping into new relationships.
As I said before, I don't see that you need to compromise your future to facilitate your ex's relationship with his child when he isn't prioritising it himself.
If your DS is happy to move with you for sixth form then I think you should consider it and let his Dad date his way around the local area without his child having to witness it. It's only two hours away, it's not Outer Mongolia!

But your H moving out isn't your H moving away from DS is it? He will still be close enough for DS to see him as often as he wants. You moving a few hours away will severely restrict how much time DS can spend with his Dad. And whilst DS may prefer you to his DF I imagine like most 16 year olds he prefers his mates to both of you. Which just might be enough for him to say I want to stay with Dad not move.

You want him to stay until your DC is adult and not shake up their life too much but at the same time plan to move 2 hours away and shake up your DCs life

Make it make sense!

I know you have not specifically said this about DH but there is a consensus that H should be able to be happy whilst I am not.

Not one single person has said that.

And this is why I posted this AIBU. Because I was also thinking what you have said and I wanted validation. Thank you.

......... and yet you are getting upset because most people are pointing out that YABU. I mean, that is the thing about AIBU - people will be honest.

Unfortunately, it isn't about you or your STBEx. It's about what's best for your son. Ideally you would both put him first - but if his father isn't able or willing to do this, he needs you to do it all the more.

Yes ad your dh himself needs to take some damn responsibility for his part in this terrible choice you are presented with, I can’t see him prioritising his son. At all. If he wants to compromise great, but otherwise it’s your choice.

All your posts say the same thing: that this is about the equitable result between you and your DH. Yes you’re worried about DS and no you don’t want to mess him up - but if you really meant that you wouldn’t be saying things like “why should I put my life on hold when H gets to do whatever he wants”.

The same applies to your H, equally.

You’re both being extremely selfish.

Just because he is, doesn’t mean you should be in order to have equal rights to him (and vice versa).

You’re just messed up right now. Slow down. Both of you. To a large extent you DO have to take responsibility if your H is being a dick: YOU chose to marry him, YOU chose to have DC with this loser who’s more interested in his dick than his DC. That’s on you.

I'm not sympathising with your husband, I'm thinking about what would be best for your son. You said your husband plans to stay local to where you are currently. But you are wanting to move a couple of hours away with your son. I would have thought a big change for a teen like divorcing parents would be best if they were still able to stay in the same area and see both parents regularly (and friends too).
You've asked the question 'is it double standards' so my answer is yes, it is a bit. You are angry your stbxh won't do what you think is best for your son, but if he won't, you won't either.

i don’t think you can tell him not to date for 2yrs, I mean I’m sure you could date where you live now if you want? At the end of the day, even if your DH is dating etc, I’d just focus on getting my kid through their GCSE and A levels and let the father get on with it. You don’t have to both make sacrifices so things are even. I think that’s totally unreasonable for you to suggest he puts his life on hold because you are. I’m holding out another 3yrs and wouldn’t date, as I don’t want my kids being around a step dad at this age (various reasons based on past experience) whereas my ex got married to someone he barely knew and moved her and her son (same age as our DD) into the home my kids go to half the week. All I can do is focus on being that stability and I know they will appreciate it in the future. Just focus on your son and what’s right for him, that’s all you can control. Sounds like your ex is going to move on very quickly but that doesn’t mean the right thing to do is up and leave so you can also have fun back home.

I agree op. He either agrees for you to stay in the family home. He can make alternative accommodation arrangements if he wishes you to stay close by.

However if he is pushing for a house sale, fine, you are well within your rights to move to an area you can afford.

Just watch out that ds doesn’t have a change of heart and decide to stay with his father/ friends. He might be supportive now but teens are notoriously fickle.

This.
Don't worry about the house for now. Divorce takes a while, and STBXH will just have to wait to get his equity.
See a solicitor. It may need to go to mediation or even court. By that time DS may be 18 anyway.
Don't let STBXH rush you into putting the house on the market - take your time and get a good solicitor.

Even if the house is sold when DS is doing his A' level / equivalent course in your current area, that will only be a year or 18 months of renting before you go to the new area.

Slow down, take your time, don't let anyone rush you, and make plans to move after DS has finished his 16-18 Education.

I do think you are being terribly controlling expecting your ex to not date. I can't understand at all what that has to do with parenting.

Nothing is stopping you from dating or making friends in your local area if you want to so I think you are being a bit of a martyr by saying you have to "live a lonely existence".

You're trying to make your sacrifice "fair" in your mind by trying to force him to make a sacrifice too, but you don't have any right to control an ex-partner in that way, just as he has no right to demand that you don't date.

I can see both sides of it.

My ex moved 40 minutes away and with primary-aged kids, it's a massive pain in the ass even though he has them less than 30 percent of the time. I don't understand why he couldn't have stayed in the same area until they were old enough to catch public transport to see him by themselves (high school age) but he loves to put himself first. He doesn't seem bothered by the fact he doesn't have equal parenting time (never did, to be honest).

I think its your DS who needs to have ultimate say. Two years isn't long for you to suck it up for if he feels he'd rather stay in one place for schooling and close to his friends.

But if his dad isn't terribly bothered about having much contact, and DS is happy to move, it's not up to you to stay close to your ex so he can have contact whenever he spontaneously feels like fulfilling his responsibility to be a dad and maintain a good relationship with his kids.

So you are upset your husband won't live a lie till your child is an adult. But you are prepared to drag him away from his father and friends and upend iis life completely? Yeah, to be honest, I think that is worse. If you are worried about how your son will take it all, that is going to have much more impact than the divorce!

So if things went the way you'd planned, you'd both stay out til DE has finished school then split up and you'd move home.

The ex wanting to split now forces you to move two years early?

So it's the ex's fault he isn't letting you stay, surely.

Does he know that's the consequence of his choice?

I have to say I have moments of being a little bit worried about him when I’m not being worried for me and DCs

Don't bother.

If your child has 2 years until he’s an adult then surely you stay local and suck it up for 2yrs? It’s nothing. I’ve been sucking it up for 12yrs and have less than 3 to go. I live in the South east so have had to keep renting for years when I could buy when I move back up north. I did it so my kids could he close to their dad and also because schooling is better. For the sake of 2yrs (assume child is education somehow) then I’d just do it. My kids happiness trumps mine, even though that’s hard sometimes.

Have you spoken to your STBXH about how often he is planning to see your DS when he is living his 'new life'?

My exH moved out nearby but also did the dating thing straight away and got into a relationship very quickly. He then didn't want to/have time to see the kids that much, plus he works away quite often too.
Add in the fact that they don't really like his new partner and sometimes they only see him once a week at weekends. They message a lot though and I keep him well informed on what's going on with them etc so they do still have a relationship with him.

I think you could move for sixth form if your DS is up for it and it possibly won't bother your ex that much if he's planning on dating and having a new relationship - a visit once every other weekend and facetime/messaging regularly etc might be enough?

Be wary of making your life plans around your ex especially if he is prioritising his love life which is what it sounds like.

Definitely prioritise your DS but I would just be conscious of the fact that if your ex is planning to move on with another relationship, you might do all of this compromising for nothing because he won't have the time to see his DS that much.
Also his DS might struggle with the idea of his dating and new relationships, my own kids have struggled with their Dad doing this way more than I thought they would.