Contact time with step son

Oh for god sake, this is ridiculous, you’re letting yourself being completely used by this man all through fear of being labelled A Bad Woman 🙄. You’re just the free nanny for him, he doesn’t want to give up things to spend time with his staff. Tell him you’re not babysitting this weekend, you’re busy. If he says ‘mum said no’, tell him it’s not your problem, he’ll have to find someone else or he can’t work.

*I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.*

Wow, he saw you coming! You can't make him have a backbone with her, but you can certainly have more of a backbone with him. One of this boy's parents needs to look after him at the w/e not you. It's easy for him to say he'll get alt childcare, will be interesting to see him actually sort that out and not rely on you. His mum should obviously have her own DC for more weekends (than none) but you've got no control over her. This isn't your problem to sort out, just withdraw from the arrangements and let them sort it out between them.

I’ve asked for one weekend off a month but the ex has basically said no she will not have their son one weekend a month

The pair of them are taking the piss. Honestly I'd move out.

This is nonsense. OP shouldn't even have been introduced to the child for months, but she was looking after him almost from the start of the relationship. There are no "duties" that she is failing to perform.

Once they were living together, she had a responsibility to be kind and welcoming to the child, but being a stepmother (or the unmarried partner of a man with a child) carries no responsibility beyond basic human decency. This boy has parents, who have legal and moral obligations to him. His parents are letting him down by using OP as a free babysitter.

Currently, only the parents are benefitting. They are getting to pick and choose when they want to parent their joint child. The child is being palmed off to an unrelated and unwilling babysitter, and the OP is resentful because she is being taken advantage of.

*I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.*

How the hell did this come about? You have up your wknds for his kids as soon as you met?! 🤔

Your boyfriend needs to give up his wknd job.

You are actually paying him to look after his child. If you split you will have nothing . So get out now and start building a life for yourself.

No there’s no you must in it. She found a boyfriend who happens to have a child, that doesn’t mean she’s responsible for that child. Unless you created them or adopted them they aren’t your responsibility. She literally and legally doesn’t have parental responsibility.
She may choose to help out or she may choose not to, neither are wrong. As long as she is kind to the child and doesn’t get between the father’s relationship with the child or make things more difficult for the child then she’s doing fine.

@RocketIceLollie how is OP ‘facilitating the father son relationship’ by allowing the man to barely ever see his kid? The boyfriend is making a complete fool of her, and she’s allowing it.

Nah. OP is not a stepmother, she’s a live in maid service and free childcare, with less rights than a lodger. The child has two parents whose responsibility it is to provide parenting. Sadly, I suspect she’ll still be pandering to her disinterested boyfriend years from now.

He is taking advantage of you. Him, not his ex. You need to say no to childcare. If his ex says no that’s his issue, he doesn’t get to make it your issue. He doesn’t get to just say sorry, she said no. You don’t owe him childcare, it’s not your child and not your responsibility.
Do you pay for yourself? I hope it’s not a case of him paying the mortgage and you the bills as you have no security in the house. If he’s financially supporting you in exchange for some childcare that’s a bit different but still doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility.
You may be called the mean selfish stepmother, that’s often thrown around if women try to assert their boundaries. It’s a way of guilting them into taking on responsibilities that aren’t theirs to take on. It doesn’t mean it’s true. And I would rather be that than a doormat anyway.

This sounds like a nightmare. I'd be out of there like a shot.

The time you waste on this guy, is time wasted finding someone who is ready to commit to you as a partner rather than using you as an au pair.

He must think he's got it made - "he deserves nice things as he works so hard", the hell he does! Sounds like you're doing the donkey work raising someone else's child whilst the actual parents continue their lives without a care - both can and do make weekend plans (every week!) whilst you're at home looking after their child.

Madness. Time to leave OP. I couldn't respect a man who does this - he will never change, you will always be the bottom of his list. If you stay with him, know that you're choosing this.

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

Why not arrange to go and visit your family/ friends at the weekend?
It sounds like you always work Mon-Fri, so why not make some plans to meet up with your friends on some Friday evenings? Then your SS's parents will have to arrange childcare for him - either one of them looks after him or they hire in a babysitter - instead of relying on you. You can come home on Sunday am if you want to spend time with your partner and SS together, or Sunday night otherwise.

This isn’t something that can carry on!

The football thing sounds positive to me - your P and son spending quality time together.

However, you having to do all that childcare is ridiculous. What does he mean “sorry it’s a no”? It’s not your job to do, for him or his ex to kindly cover if they fancy it. You’re not his parent!

Your partner needs to arrange proper childcare if he wants to work this second job. Or not do it and take the financial hit. Or rearrange how the contact works with his ex - it does seem odd for one parent to have no weekend time. When does she get to enjoy her son’s company? He could always still do the football stuff picking your SS up from his ex/ SS’s Mum on the day.

** just edited a small typo

You are being taken the piss out of.

The contact arrangements are batshit.

Week on week off would be a better compromise.

And just stop doing it, you are acting like his support human!

I'd be moving out and moving on.

If he is seeing his son 2 evenings a week anyway why not have his son sleep over those nights and every other weekend? You have no security at all if the house in your partner's name. On one of the 2 evenings his son is there, go out for a walk. Let your partner get his son's dinner. Also go out for the whole day Sunday. You could go to a National Trust or English Heritage building. They have some lovely stately homes and castles. You could travel on the train and have yourself a little adventure. Leave your partner to sort out his son. He is not your responsibility. He has said just tell him if you want to go out so he can sort some childcare. Take him up on it. I'd also be telling him you want to be taken out on Monday evenings for a meal, cinema visit, Xmas shopping or whatever but you're not prepared to stay home babysitting or watching him sleep all the time. Life is passing you by.

You moved to be with him.
You spend ever weekend looking after ss.
He works ever weekend until 1am.
He falls asleep after work.
And you're not on the mortgage !

What exactly are you getting from this relationship OP ?

I hope you're not planning kids with this guy ?

Love I’m sorry but he’s using you. You shouldn’t be looking after your ss every weekend. He’s earning extra money while taking advantage of you. I honestly think you should leave and go back to your friends and family. He doesn’t deserve you.

Maybe I’ve just become weak and don’t want to be that stereotypical selfish nasty Stepmum

Can you please stop saying this? It’s very offensive and it’s not a choice between being horrible and being a doormat.

I’ve been a step mum for a long time, I wouldn’t tolerate DH expecting me to have his kids on my own every weekend so he can behave like he has no responsibilities - am I s stereotypical selfish nasty stepmum?

oh dear. I did kind of wonder.

Leave now. Go back to where your friends are. Grow that backbone, for your own good. Please please don't say you're planning a family with him

i didn't suggest the dad was insisting on it. Conversely it is the usual complaint (from mums) that if the non-resident father gets all the weekends they never get to do the fun stuff with them, just the daily grind.

My impression here is not that though (i was tying to give mum the benefit of the doubt). My impression is that neither of the child's parents CBA to look after him or make proper arrangements from him and OP is too nice to say "no".

Hence i think she should be unavailable for solo childcare and literally force the parents to get their heads out of their arses and parent their child. Poor lad

Surely the point of the child having contact time with his father is so that the father and son can spend time together, not so that the child can spend time with his father’s partner?

If it’s necessary to have a second/weekend job, I’d rather work myself and let my partner spend time with his son.

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position OP.

I think you need to explain to your partner that you need more time for you. Try to find an exercise class, book club, or some other new hobby that you could do on a Friday night. Try to reach out to friends or family so that you are out on a Saturday night. Explain that him and his partner will need to find an alternative and long term childcare arrangement for those times.

And then I would also ask him when he plans for the two of you to spend quality time together. Come up with a list of ideas for dates together - the cinema, local walks, restaurants. Ask him what dates he is available, and if he isn’t available for any then ask how he thinks that this relationship will work if you never have any quality alone time. Make it clear that if he won’t set time aside for you then he is effectively ending the relationship, which is very sad and not what you want, but obviously you can’t date someone that you barely see.

You’re not selfish for not wanting to provide free childcare to a couple who seem incapable of looking after their own child, and for wanting alone time with your partner. ‘Do not let his wants eclipse your needs’!

It gets worse! You're a lodger in his house, you have no security. He could potentially cut down his outgoings and give up the weekend work but he won't because you're facilitating it by caring for his DC. And you're trying to give him more money!!