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Original poster

Contact time with step son

119 replies

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:06

I’m after some opinions please.

My partner of 2.5 years has a 7 year old son with his ex.

He picks him up from school on a Weds, has tea stays a few hours and then goes back to his mums.

He then picks him up from school on a Friday and he stays the weekend with us until around 7pm Sunday night. My partner works every Friday and Saturday night from 6pm - 1am whilst also working Mon - Fri 5am - 4pm ish. I look after the SS every Friday and Saturday evening whilst my partner is at work.

This has been the arrangement pretty much since we met.

Recently SS has joined a football club. This means my partner now also picks him up from school on a Thursday takes him to practice has tea etc then goes back to his mums at 7pm ish. Every Saturday morning he goes to football practice and now every Sunday morning there is a football tournament until about 12pm.

I love that my partner has found something SS is passionate about and something they can bond over but I can’t help feeling that I’m now last on his list of priorities. With us both working full time and my partner working the second job on the weekend we never have quality time together. Sunday is really the only day we usually have off together. Now football dictates the day. We literally have a Monday and Tuesday night to ourselves and partner usually finishes work has a bath and falls asleep on the sofa. Every other night is dictated by SS/ football.

I want to know how do I being this up to my partner without sounding like the jealous horrible step mum stereotype? We’ve had several conversations about me not wanting to babysit every weekend whilst he is at work all of which have never really been resolved. Now football is in the picture I feel even more like I’m just a handy live in babysitter and not a partner. It feels like our relationship is last on the list of his priorities. Please help!

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 11/09/2023 15:13

Who is it exactly who’s saying ‘no’ to you? Surely you’re telling HIM you cannot take care of his son every weekend, not his ex? How is you telling him you will no longer be willing to do unpaid childcare every weekend turning into his ex saying no, Chloe has to do it?? They’re a pair of cheeky fuckers and they’ve seen you coming a mile away

Wishitsnows · 11/09/2023 15:09

wow you have been a free au pair. He will definitely be very lovely now as he won’t want to lose his set up.

diditbark · 11/09/2023 15:06

Fuck that, you're basically his au pair.

I'd be planning to move out.

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 11/09/2023 15:06

Hakuna Matilda makes a good point. He works to pay for a flashy car and would rather do that than see his son.

HakunaMatiłda · 11/09/2023 15:04

So your partner works at weekends so that he can have a flashy £400pm car rather than spend time with his own son.

He can only facilitate this by using your time to cover his own responsibilities.

So essentially you are losing your Friday and Saturday nights to give your DP a flashy car.

I hope you don’t have children with this wanker.

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 15:04

I’ve spoken to him today. He said we need a serious chat tonight when we’re both home.

I think this will probably be it for us. I really don’t want it to be I love him so much but I’m not willing to back down again. I will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 11/09/2023 15:02

Who signed him up for the football club? Knowing it would be you committed to taking him?
Tell him it's not your place to ferry him to clubs.

coconutpie · 11/09/2023 15:01

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 14:32

Yeah I have a few weeks ago.

We had a discussion and he said he’d try a few things but he never did. Here we are again only now with the addition of this new football club meaning we now have even less time to ourselves.

OK so you gave him an opportunity to change and he hasn't. Cut your losses and leave him.

Naunet · 11/09/2023 14:47

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

Who made this law? Parents looking for free childcare? No woman owes a man 2 nights free babysitting every week because HE decided to have kids, don’t be so bloody entitled.

Coyoacan · 11/09/2023 14:35

This free babysitting lark has two benefits for your partner, whether deliberate or not. The second benefit is that you totally isolated and, in your loneliness are much less likely to leave him.

OP, you will have plenty of staying in at night when you have children of your own and the fact is, much as you may love the little boy, he is not yours

Original poster
Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 14:32

Yeah I have a few weeks ago.

We had a discussion and he said he’d try a few things but he never did. Here we are again only now with the addition of this new football club meaning we now have even less time to ourselves.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 11/09/2023 14:25

Have you posted about this before, OP? I feel like I've read this exact same scenario here recently (babysitting your partner's child while he works a second weekend job). You're being taken for a mug here.

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 14:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:02

But would you expect a partner to give up all their weekend evenings for ever every weekend to babysit for you, alone, while you're out?

Show quote history

No absolutely not but the issue isn’t the son, it’s his working hours which he won’t change.

So OP needs to decide whether she wants to stay or not.

Chedderbites2 · 11/09/2023 14:08

This isn't fair on you. If you weren't there then what would he do? At this rate you have him more than his own mother and father? Could he even stay with you some school nights so you and dp even get a weekend to yourselves? I think that's very unfair you have to do every weekend. Why doesn't his mum do some of the after school pick ups for football. What clubs and classes does she take him to? You need to sit down with your partner and explain all this its not fair on you or your relationship you are not his free childcare. How long have you been doing this for as I see only together 2.5 years?

PuttingDownRoots · 11/09/2023 14:08

Football... thats life with a child really as they get older.

The weekend babysitting... it does seem bonkers that his contact evenings are when he's at work!

Going forward... you will have to accept that he needs to prioritise his child over you, even without the babysitting. So... do you want to have a step child or not?

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 11/09/2023 14:07

The more I read the sadder it gets. You've changed your whole life for him to be an unpaid babysitter with no fiancial security. He really does have the best of both worlds, he is free to do what he wants at weekends, absolutely get the most out of his earning potential, leaving you tied up with his child and contributing to the household expenses. He's taking the piss. I think you need to be going back home.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:05

Another option could be that ex collects child on Saturday morning and drops to school on Monday morning so that you have Friday night off and your DH still gets the weekend days with his son

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:04

Or dss could do daytimes at weekends with you then goes to his mums to sleep

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:03

Op you also have the option to move back or go stay in your area for a bit to spend time with family- you don't have to break up - showing that you mean business might make him respect your views as Much as or more than the ex

I think every other weekend is much more sensible

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:02

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 14:00

So are you just looking after DSS from 6pm onwards Friday and Saturday nights?

Tbh I don’t think that’s that big of a deal unless you are stopped from having plans yourself.

I understand you don’t get to spend much quality time with your DP but as a parent your life does tend to revolve around your child and you can’t blame him for being an involved dad.

I’m a single parent and it is difficult finding time because you’re either working or doing stuff with your children.

I would be really annoyed and have ended a relationship before, over someone asking me to not spend as much time with my child.

The only thing that can make a difference is him working less but that’s a pretty ask and if he’s said no then you need to decide whether this relationship is for you or not.

But would you expect a partner to give up all their weekend evenings for ever every weekend to babysit for you, alone, while you're out?

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 14:00

So are you just looking after DSS from 6pm onwards Friday and Saturday nights?

Tbh I don’t think that’s that big of a deal unless you are stopped from having plans yourself.

I understand you don’t get to spend much quality time with your DP but as a parent your life does tend to revolve around your child and you can’t blame him for being an involved dad.

I’m a single parent and it is difficult finding time because you’re either working or doing stuff with your children.

I would be really annoyed and have ended a relationship before, over someone asking me to not spend as much time with my child.

The only thing that can make a difference is him working less but that’s a pretty ask and if he’s said no then you need to decide whether this relationship is for you or not.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 14:00

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:15

If you choose to date someone with a step child then you must accept to take on some responsibility for doing some step mum duties and be prepared to make some sacrifices in the relationship to accommodate the father/child relationship in my opinion. You knew this child was part of the deal when you entered a relationship with the child's father. If you know this arrangement is not for you then do the decent thing and end things. Sorry to be blunt.

I totally disagree, there is not a chance I would expect a new partner to move in with me , to a new area for them, and spend every single Friday and Saturday evening alone babysitting my child while I was out. I could never do that to someone- they would be too lonely - especially in a new town.

Yes partners should help each other out- her dp might do some favours for her so she could babysit as a favour sometimes too- but both nights, every weekend, forever? What a piss take

Naunet · 11/09/2023 13:56

Does he pay you for doing all of this for him, or repay you in some other way? Or do you just happily save him thousands of pounds and expect nothing in return except to be treated like an employee?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 13:55

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

You should go to visit your family and friends and the weekend. Put some dates in the diary

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 13:54

Chloe442 · 11/09/2023 11:22

@Brefugee i think that’s all I can do now and I’ve told him 3 times and he’s asked the ex she’s said no and he’s kind of just said oh sorry it’s a no. Why should my life be dictated by his ex? I wish he had more of a backbone and told her something needs to change. She never sees their son for quality time as he is always at school or sleeping when she has him. I don’t understand how as a mother she wouldn’t want to have some quality time with him.

I don’t have much of a life outside of partner work and SS but I think I need to change that ASAP. Maybe he sees me as to available because I’ve moved away from family and friends to be with him.

I think why does the ex feel comfortable to assert her needs about weekends and you don't?

I would say to him I'll do two nights babysitting a month. The rest of the month you and your ex need to decide on child care as I'm not doing it.

What will he do- dump you? If so then lucky escape