Contact time with step son

He's showing you again that your feelings aren't a priority to him.

Me and my DH are currently separating and his expectations of what duties I should be taking on as a step parent is one of the main issues. He’s left his child with me nearly every weekend for 10 years while he’s worked and more recently undertaken hobbies. It’s caused festering resentment which is impacting on everyone including the child which I know is wrong. He says it’s because I don’t care about his child which isn’t the case, I just feel totally used and reading these replies it seems I’m not being unreasonable in feeling that. Don’t be me OP, either set your stall out or leave.

Yeah, he doesn’t want to have that chat

If the relationship is 2.5 years, and before you were the babysitter he was home during the pandemic, sounds like he moved you in straight away OP.

Sorry but you are being used.

I’ve literally just changed jobs closer to home and now I think I’m going to have to change jobs again and find somewhere to live. I have no real option of staying with family or friends and no savings. I don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get into this mess.

Agree with pp on roomshares. In the meantime and while you're still looking, stop paying into the bills - that should help with replenishing your savings. If your STBX kicks off, hand him a bill for all your unpaid childcare.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you.

He sounds selfish and irresponsible.

How soon after starting to date did he introduce you to his son? And how soon after that did you start looking after his son solo sometimes?

Can't your partner have his son overnight Wednesday and Thursday every week - obviously school pick up/after school clubs may be needed like most families

And

Daytime Saturday and Sunday every weekend

And your partner could decide to go and watch his sons footy match every Sunday but then you would have the afternoon and evening to yourselves every week

My partner has a little one and I just haven't started this for this reason. A few hours here and there becomes more and more and then you're unreasonable if you say no.

My opinion is if he wants to see his son (and he fought to get a cao) then the only person who should have him is him. He shouldn't be palmed off on family.

They're actually going back to court and I've made it very clear, if he wants more access he is the one to provide childcare. I don't feel bad at all. I don't interfere so I don't expect to put my life on hold. I make my own plans when they have contact a lot or the time and then they get 1-1 too. If I'm free and they invite me along I'll go. If there's something being planned I should attend he lets me know and I keep the date free.

Op why did you move in with him, was it his idea?

Lol. Funny how no-one ever says that to men.

You are being treated like a domestic appliance - very convenient.

He will talk you round tonight with promises of changes to come much further down the line. These promises will never materialise.

You can do much better than this OP.

@Chloe442

I’ve literally just changed jobs closer to home and now I think I’m going to have to change jobs again and find somewhere to live. I have no real option of staying with family or friends and no savings. I don’t know how I’ve allowed myself get into this mess.

Maybe have a look at Spareroom.com for a house share for the short/medium term whilst do save as much as you can for something else. If possible see if you can get a second, weekend job and put all that income into savings. I did that myself many years ago.

Nobody tells you how hard adulting is do they?!

That's so very true! 🌹

I had a similar situation, I was being expected to do pick ups and hours of after school childcare when it was my days off after going back from maternity leave. If I said no, everyone asked why, what else was I doing? Any thanks dropped off very quickly from all sides (‘yoga should be honoured she gets to pick up the SDC’).

I said to DH he needs to do the pickups or they need to go back to ex after school… guess what, they got childcare sorted.

He’s taking you for a mug, OP

There’s no reason you have it leave today even if you end the relationship, though maybe it’s best for you. But do what’s best for YOU. You are allowed to be selfish, it’s your life. Either way this will be a step towards the life you want and deserve whereas if you stay as you are you are just stagnant and prolonging the issue. Good luck, stay strong

You're the babysitter he gets to shag and you're ok with that? This is not a relationship.

TaigaSno
That's a reasonable idea but Mum has already rejected it. She's happy with the kid being at his Dad's, being looked after by the OP every single weekend.

You should be alternating weekends. I do think it's important for his dad to go to football every Sunday morning to support him, as should his mum. Because that's what you do when you have kids and your kids have hobbies and interests.
But why should his mum miss out on having weekend time with her son? If I've understood correctly, she gets him three week nights when he's tired and grumpy after school, and you and your husband get him every weekend when he wants to have fun, plus another week night.
He could even alternate weeks at each house, still having dinner with the opposite parent on a Wednesday night to break up the week, and both parents turning up to football games on a Sunday morning.
That way everyone gets to enjoy some weekend time with the child and everyone has alternate weekends to themselves too.

Be very clear about what you want to get from this talk tonight. He will, of course, say pretty much anything to maintain the current situation where he has you as his resource to keep house, share bills and be his very involved carer for his son. Including saying, possibly, that you can't love either him or his son if you don't want to keep going with this arrangement you are currently trapped in. He's making no effort to improve things for you as the situation currently works for him.

I know you are in love with him and love his son but that really isn't enough. Where is your sense of self-respect and self-presentation?

This man legally owes you nothing, whilst he pays off his mortgage, funds his expensive car and you save him £hundreds providing him with childcare. What are you getting from this for the here and now or for your future?

I would strongly urge you to see if you can move back to the area where you have family (and hopefully there's accommodation available for you) and see how feasible it is for you to work remotely if possible or look for another job, whilst you receive emotional support from family and friends.

If possible, speak to your family and employer so you can get a sense of what could work for you in the immediate future.

Do please reread this thread in full at least once before you have your talk so you are properly grounded in what your next steps need to be. Good luck - it will be hard but worthwhile to build a better future for YOU. 🌹

Good luck OP. Let's hope he values you enough as a person and as his partner and not just the live in childminder to listen properly and actually make some changes. If not you have your answer.

If you choose to father a child then must take on responsibility for that child, make sacrifices, accommodate your child.
He knew that he had a child when he chose to start a relationship with a person who was not his child's mother.
If he knows that being in an adult relationship is not for him, he should do the decent thing and end things.

There, fixed that for you.
I've been with DH for 9 years and never been treated like the unpaid help. He also manages to be around for his child and also present in our marriage. He's not Superman, but he's certainly not a piss taking loser either.
How dare you suggest OP is the one who needs fixed in this sorry mess.

You've now taken up a new hobby which falls on a Saturday and Sunday. It can be anything you wish but unfortunately means alternative childcare for HIS contact time with HIS child will have to be arranged and it WILL be a permanent thing. I have a stepson of the same age and would not facilitate this nor would I be expected to.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he’s not your step son, and you aren’t his step mum. You are just his dad’s girlfriend.

I wouldn’t put up with this, the expectation that you will look after him for absolutely no security or benefit. What do you love about him? He doesn’t put you first, second, or even third - you come after his son (fair enough), his ex and his second job. He’s not bothered about spending time with you. Think about whether you actually get anything out of this relationship, and if not, or if nothing significant, just leave.

You are a service provider to him, that's why he's not fussed about having less time together, because that's not why he keeps you around.

However you leaving creates a vacancy, which will be difficult to fill, so he's going to fight to keep you. Not because he wants you but needs you in the short term. He'll say and do everything he can to keep you sweet, while looking elsewhere for your replacement.