Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he have invited them?

37 replies

AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 04:41

I'm laying here stewing at 4.30am over this and I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable, so please give me perspective.

I went out for dinner last night with a friend, so DH was due to have a rare night alone with DS, 2 years old. DS is currently in a big 'I want mummy' phase and I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't get enough quality alone time with his dad. And this morning (Sunday), I'm also out for the morning.

Sidenote - I never normally go out like this at the weekends. It's a rare treat. Usually, we have family days out, or I look after DS and DH takes my DSDs to sports.

I was really looking forward to my son having an evening and then a morning alone with his father, completely one-on-one. I cannot remember the last time this happened and I think their relationship needs it.

At 4pm yesterday, DH announced that he's asked for his 2 daughters to come back to us and stay. They only left yesterday morning, and DH spent the morning taking them to their separate sports, so was out of the house. They've been with us since Thursday. We have them around 40% of the the and last night was meant to be their mum's time.

For the record, I have no issues with them staying with us and I am in no way trying to reduce their contact with their Dad.

But I'm fuming that he chose to opt out of special time alone with his son, so he can spend time with his daughters. I'm livid and I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being irrational.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 15:11

Thanks everybody who has commented.

I've got the perspective I needed and although this board can sometimes be brutal, it's also good for a head wobble sometimes.

OP posts:
lap90 · 10/09/2023 12:33

I mean, they are his kids who he has 40% of the time - it's understandable he'd want to spend more time with them and all the kids together.
It's not like he invited any Tom, Dick and Harry from the pub - he invited his children.

WandaWonder · 10/09/2023 09:46

They are his children so he should be free to invite them whenever he wants it is not a competition

ColleenDonaghy · 10/09/2023 09:45

I think it's fine that he had his DDs around, hopefully they all enjoyed it.

You may be right about your DS benefiting from some one on one time with his dad though, your DH maybe just hasn't put two and two together. Why don't you say you think they should have a morning out together sometime the girls aren't there? Don't mention last night, as a separate conversation. He may well think it's a great idea.

StarBloo · 10/09/2023 08:56

YABU. And kindly, I dont think you get to choose whether your DH has 1:1 time or not, if he wanted a friend round, a grandparent, his kids, I think that's 100% on him.

UnbeatenMum · 10/09/2023 08:01

We have 3 joint children so it's not really the same but if I'm parenting alone I do what I feel I need to do to make things manageable and for everyone to enjoy the time. I don't really expect DH to have input on that unless I was doing something dangerous or something we had mutually agreed we wouldn't do (e.g. just giving the toddler the iPad for an entire day). And the same when he is in charge. If for example he chooses to invite his parents to help then fantastic, everyone wins. If 1:1 time with children is one of our shared values then we discuss and prioritise that as well. Maybe that's a separate chat you could have and maybe there's a toddler sport class DH could take DS to if sport is his thing? If not right now there's definitely a lot around for 3 year olds.

Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 07:47

PastelLilac · 10/09/2023 05:58

I have a brother who is a year younger than me. I don't think we got 1:1 time with either parent until secondary school. We were always together and if we weren't the we were either at school in separate classes, doing an extracurricular activity, or at a friend's house. I didn't really think about it until I read your OP!

This is interesting and reassuring. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 07:46

Backagain23 · 10/09/2023 06:39

I get it OP.
Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday in this house spins around DSD and her hobby. I'm on my own with the two little ones. It is quality time for DH and DSD for sure and that's nice but I'd love it if every so often her mum would have her for the weekend and my kids could be Daddy's focus for a change.
I know their time will come for hobbies etc but what will their relationship with their Dad be if they need to wait for DSD to grow up to have a chance of quality time with him?
MN is usually very in favour of kids getting a bit of one on one time with their parents, but thats obviously not a priority for kids whose parents still together, it would seem.

Thank you!! It's nice to read that and I'm sorry you're in a similar situation.

So many people on here are also very quick to jump to the conclusion that us stepmums are on a mission to stop our stepkids seeing their dads. Or expect us to have thought about every single possible outcome before we dared to marry the person we love. Which can be tedious.

But anyway, thank you.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 10/09/2023 06:41

@MaybeanothertimeNotReally "It's not as if he invited his mates round, he chose to spend time with all of his children. "

Any reason he shouldn't have invited his mates round?

Backagain23 · 10/09/2023 06:39

I get it OP.
Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday in this house spins around DSD and her hobby. I'm on my own with the two little ones. It is quality time for DH and DSD for sure and that's nice but I'd love it if every so often her mum would have her for the weekend and my kids could be Daddy's focus for a change.
I know their time will come for hobbies etc but what will their relationship with their Dad be if they need to wait for DSD to grow up to have a chance of quality time with him?
MN is usually very in favour of kids getting a bit of one on one time with their parents, but thats obviously not a priority for kids whose parents still together, it would seem.

Ladybug14 · 10/09/2023 06:23

My ex husband would do anything to avoid 1 2 1 time with our child. Still does, and she's in her 20s now. No idea why.

They don't have a strong relationship

PastelLilac · 10/09/2023 05:58

I have a brother who is a year younger than me. I don't think we got 1:1 time with either parent until secondary school. We were always together and if we weren't the we were either at school in separate classes, doing an extracurricular activity, or at a friend's house. I didn't really think about it until I read your OP!

Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:45

Seashellies · 10/09/2023 05:34

I can see why you feel that way but it sounds nice for him to have time alone with all 3 of his children.

Thank you 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:44

Dontsparethehorses · 10/09/2023 05:29

Enjoy your morning and I recommend getting away more often so ds and dh get plenty more opportunities to bond and enjoy quality time together 😉

Bloody great idea, thank you!

OP posts:
Seashellies · 10/09/2023 05:34

I can see why you feel that way but it sounds nice for him to have time alone with all 3 of his children.

Dontsparethehorses · 10/09/2023 05:29

Enjoy your morning and I recommend getting away more often so ds and dh get plenty more opportunities to bond and enjoy quality time together 😉

Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:17

onthenightfeed · 10/09/2023 05:13

I've seen some of your replies, please don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Dad's do just think differently than us and sometimes it can feel so alien to ua that they don't feel the same. I think we have to just accept that 😅

I just like to have a little rant to my mum friends who no doubt have DP's who have done the same thing, and then all is right in the world again. (MN can be a little harsher than friends)

Thank you, that brought a little tear to my eye 🥲 I think I'm tired, too hot and overthinking it all. I'm sure my son had a great night and will have a fun morning with his family. And I'll feel right again after a morning away from it all 😅

OP posts:
onthenightfeed · 10/09/2023 05:13

I've seen some of your replies, please don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Dad's do just think differently than us and sometimes it can feel so alien to ua that they don't feel the same. I think we have to just accept that 😅

I just like to have a little rant to my mum friends who no doubt have DP's who have done the same thing, and then all is right in the world again. (MN can be a little harsher than friends)

Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:09

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 10/09/2023 05:05

It's not as if he invited his mates round, he chose to spend time with all of his children. There are men who do not see any of their kids at all through choice. You need to get a bit of perspective and choose your battles.

Thank you. I'm getting the perspective I needed!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:06

Adreno · 10/09/2023 05:00

I assume you’re not planning on having any more children with him as that will also further limit your son’s 1-on-1 opportunities?

Yes that is exactly right. We are having no more children.

Point taken, though. This place is good for a head wobble.

OP posts:
MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 10/09/2023 05:05

It's not as if he invited his mates round, he chose to spend time with all of his children. There are men who do not see any of their kids at all through choice. You need to get a bit of perspective and choose your battles.

Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:05

ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:59

Personally I'm not convinced that a 2 year old enjoys 1:1 time with their parents. They live in little bubbles and enjoy the moment, whoever they are with. I bet he had a blast with his two sisters and his dad !

Thank you!

I'm thinking I've been projecting some other feelings on to this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherCountryMummy · 10/09/2023 05:03

EsteeFodder · 10/09/2023 04:59

I'd feel the same as you OP. He probably didn't invite the girls as a way of getting out of 1-2-1 time with your son. He maybe thought they could help entertain him? I get it though.

Thank you! I was starting to feel like a right cow! Yes, I don't think he did it to get out of 1-2-1 time. I guess I'm just a bit hurt that he wasn't looking forward to alone time with his DS. But maybe I'm projecting something there.

OP posts:
onthenightfeed · 10/09/2023 05:02

if your DS Is at an 'I want mummy' stage, DP might have felt that the distraction of extra people would be better for making the time they spend together quality time (having lots of fun together) rather than just feeling like second best and spending the evening consoling DS who would really prefer you.

I think in the same situation my DP would do the same. We're first time parents and the first time I went out for the evening, he took our DS to his fellow Dad friend's house for moral support. I was totally ok with that because the more relaxed and confident he was, the better it would be for DS.

Adreno · 10/09/2023 05:00

I assume you’re not planning on having any more children with him as that will also further limit your son’s 1-on-1 opportunities?