Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate or not?

37 replies

threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:51

My DH, imo, has made a few inappropriate comments in the past but today I felt he insulted me, and probably my dil although she doesn’t know.
DH is 73 in case that’s relevant.
I was telling him I’d like to buy a gift that she had asked for from a well known family run store. He said, that instead of that I should be buying her sexy stuff from Ann Summers. I think if she heard him say that it would have grossed her out as she is a young woman.
I felt it was wholly inappropriate for him to say that to me.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 08/09/2023 17:13

It sounds like it's his personality. Yes people with ASD can be inappropriate with boundaries, but then additionally autism doesn't mean I.provements aren't made! Generally if you're prompting a person with asd about unwanted behaviour then there will be an improvement over time, especially when the right behaviour is modelled/ acknowledged.

If this is a pattern over many years and you're pulling g him up on it then I'd say he's a sleaze.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 17:09

Grim

Ladybug14 · 08/09/2023 17:08

threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:05

When we were first married and inappropriate behaviour and comments started to become apparent, at first I thought it could be dementia. However, years and years of it don’t add up to dementia as things would certainly have become worse and other symptoms would have come in to play in that time. They haven’t. I strongly think he could be on the autistic spectrum. It certainly seems like he also has ADHD. I have worked with many similar clients through my social work @Ladybug14

I see. Apologies. If he's always been this way, it's not dementia!

That was a really really inappropriate thing to say.... about your DILs gift

Garihairy · 08/09/2023 17:08

He is charming to others but his real character shows up with me.

It was ever thus.

but he said he thought I was over reacting and that it was just a joke

No surprise that he turns it round to be you over reacting, nothing to do with him thinking inappropriate thoughts of his daughter in law. If he's so confident in his 'funny' Ann Summers idea would he say it direct to your DIL? Or your son? Or someone he wants to appear charming to? I very much doubt it because he knows it's not funny or appropriate.

OhComeOnFFS · 08/09/2023 17:07

I could tell it wasn't the first time he'd said something like that because you would have been worrying about dementia or a brain tumour otherwise. Most men don't talk like that and if they start to in their 70s then there's usually a medical reason for it.

You're old enough not to care what others say about you. If you want to leave him, then do. If your son objects, then feel free to tell him what a creep his dad is. As for neighbours and friends, just say you couldn't live with him any more - nothing more needs to be said.

I imagine money is going to be part of your reason for staying but you will be OK - start a new thread on here if you like about that side of things.

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 17:05

When we were first married and inappropriate behaviour and comments started to become apparent, at first I thought it could be dementia. However, years and years of it don’t add up to dementia as things would certainly have become worse and other symptoms would have come in to play in that time. They haven’t. I strongly think he could be on the autistic spectrum. It certainly seems like he also has ADHD. I have worked with many similar clients through my social work @Ladybug14

OP posts:
Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:59

It made me feel nauseous @OhComeOnFFS. We have been married a long time and to leave him over one comment would be ridiculous. However, he has made many inappropriate comments and behaviour over the years. He also has a life threatening disease so I would be seen as the “bad one”. He is charming to others but his real character shows up with me.

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 08/09/2023 16:57

threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:55

I’m glad you think the same as me @Pippa12 . I told him it wasn’t the right thing to say and inappropriate as far as I was concerned but he said he thought I was over reacting and that it was just a joke.😒

That's certainly something someone with the start of dementia would say

They can lose the understanding of boundaries and appropriateness

MarigoldMaud · 08/09/2023 16:57

Of course it’s inappropriate but the question is has he always been like this?

Original poster
threadripper · 08/09/2023 16:55

I’m glad you think the same as me @Pippa12 . I told him it wasn’t the right thing to say and inappropriate as far as I was concerned but he said he thought I was over reacting and that it was just a joke.😒

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 08/09/2023 16:53

Why on earth would he say something like that about his DIL? How inappropriate. What did you say?

OhComeOnFFS · 08/09/2023 16:53

Ugh that's made me feel sick. Do you want to spend the rest of your one precious life with that creep?

Swipe left for the next trending thread