Situation at home yesterday

I have to agree with PP, you cannot control his behaviour by being nice to him. That is what an abuser wants you to think, because that is how they keep control but you cannot make him or stop him from doing anything. If you could, you wouldn't be in this situation. So whatever way he behaves from this point on, whatever kind of relationship he has with your children, OP, is purely down to him. None of this is your responsibility and IT NEVER WAS! Be kind to yourself and put this impossible burden down. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you have a lovely Christmas without him. x

OP, I really feel for your situation. Just checking in to wish you luck and courage. Hope you're OK.

It’s time to tell everyone what’s really going on. Before he has time to bandy around his bullshit version of events that paint you as the villain. Plus, it will harden your resolve.

To his parents: “H is an alcoholic. He’s out of control, he’s abusive to me and our children and he does precisely nothing to parent or contribute to our family life. Here are his bags. He is not going to be living with us anymore.”

Then shut down any conversation and change the locks.

Confide in your family and friends. Don’t ask them for advice, you work nonsense like your other friend said, deliver them a factual assessment as above and it as a fait accompli. You need their support for the next bit, not their opinions on his behaviour.

Stop endeavouring to be friends with this awful man. Being unnecessarily nice to a horrible, abusive alcoholic won’t make him magically feel like he’s going to be a better parent in the future, that’s entirely up to him. Sadly, I rather suspect he will repeatedly fail his children. If he does, that will not be because you weren’t nice enough to him at the breakdown of the relationship.

All of his behaviour is his fault. Not yours, not your children’s.

Time to bring this horrible situation to a close before the children are irreparably damaged or unable to see what a healthy boundary or relationship looks like.

Being nice only work with people who are also "nice".
My mum was "nice" to my dad it was a waste of time and made everything harder /longer /more fucked up.

He doesn't think you mean it and reckons he can fob you off.

Call his parents tell them what is happened.
Pack / move his stuff including the stupid fucking bike outside and take your key back or change the locks

If he kicks off threaten to phone the police.
If he keeps on... phone the police. Nothing serious will happen to him but it will show him you mean business.
And right now he does NOT think you mean business.

The sooner this abusive alcoholic is out the better.
Think about what a nice Christmas you and the kids wiil all have. 😁

Why should you be "nice"?

He clearly isn't bring "nice" to you or your family, you are beneath his contempt.

In the end 'nice' didn't work for me. It ended with his property in plastic bin bags in the front garden and the locks changed. I wish to God I had done it years earlier fir my son's sake - the point is, don't be nice, be Boudica. You and your children deserve the big strong warrior woman you are. You survived this long. I know you were bred from infancy to be nice, we all were. Just fck that sh!t. Don't be nice. That's how they trap you. Be Fantastic. As a survivor of a bullshít relationship I have your back. If he wants you he can stay sober a year before you consider having him back. If he can't manage a few days he can stop bullshitting you and leave. The gowser.

Well, nice isn't working. Nice never works when you're dealing with someone who isn't going to be 'nice' back.

I'm sure there is a middle ground between 'Please will you leave?' and forcing him out at 'gun point' (yes, that's purely hyperbolic). And I agree with PP that there is no way he's going to remain 'friends' with you. Your relationship has been based on you keeping silent and being compliant. But you're not that doormat anymore and he does not like it one bit.

And I see that I had one of my facts wrong. You are married to this lout. For some reason I had it in my head that you weren't married. So no, it's probably not as easy as changing the locks and putting his shit on the lawn. You need to contact WA and see a solicitor.

Staying “friends” is not going to happen and I’ll tell you why. You’re not friends (in his eyes) at the moment. Friends don’t do to each other what he’s putting you and your kids through.

So what if it ends up involving the police? It might be the wake-up call he’s been needing or he’ll carry on regardless and you’re no worse off than you were at the beginning.

It’s not his house.

Kick him out!

Have you spoken to his family and told them you want him gone and why?Do they know he is an alcoholic and DV he is displaying to you all especially Your daughter.,you may have to call the police to remove him soon this can’t go on and on. Good luck.

@AdviceNeededForMe

How do you mean 'won't leave'? It's not his house, right?

Obviously is you're just saying 'get out' he's going to say 'make me'. So find the way to make him! Have you contacted anyone about how to get him out? I mean like Citizens Advice or WA? Maybe the police?

You said you're going to pack his things and bring it to his parents and take his key but you haven't. Do it the next time he's out.

Sorry im taking so long fgs. It is not that easy to get someone out, especially when they wont leave 😢🥺 its only been 2 weeks since my initial post!

Sorry, I appreciate it's much easier to post than to be in the situation. I just want you guys to be okay.

OP I've defended you and your daughter throughout but for the love of god put an end to this now.

Thought I’d replied already but seems not.

You really need to either leave him or get him out. It’s very much abuse - he is abusive.

What has happened towards this since the bike incident in your first post?

You children shouldn’t be growing up in this environment. They will be terrified.

The bike situation I think is a read herring - men who are abusive will be abusive no matter how much you tip toe around them.

OP this isn't going to get better

Gaslighting and abusive.

How is the daughter wrong?
She asked permission to take the bike and her mum told her she could.
She asked. She didn’t just take it. What did she do wrong?

FGS, just change the lock and move his stuff to his parent’s. Really. Stop loving the drama and just get on with it.

Dd was wrong, you enable her. H is cross but behaves badly.
no one is blameless

If you accept this behaviour, even if he apologises you have taught him he can treat you any way he wants and you'll forgive him, and you're teaching your dc that this behaviour is normal in a relationship.

Let's say he tells you he'll got to AA, that's great, still ask him to leave and you'll keep communication channels open, but won't entertain a reconciliation until he's 12 months sober. If he's really committed to sorting this and his family 12 months is a small price to pay.

It's shocking the number of people here blaming you for his behavior. It is abuse and your kids are going to bear the consequences the rest of their lives. Make him leave for their sake please.

You really do not have to put up with this.