To still be grieving after TMFR?

You are definitely not a selfish person at all and many woman would make the same decision as you did, myself included. Sending you so much love and strength 💐

I'm so sorry for you loss OP. I had a TFMR with my 1st pregnancy due to T13 (patau), at that point after 4yrs TTC. Birth dates and memories of what would/could have been are so difficult.

Do you have other children, supportive partner, family etc you can focus on for support? Have you had any counselling or someone to talk to?

I found this lady that writes baby names in beautiful sunset, beach images, which I found quite a soothing part of the grieving process.
http://www.roseandherlily.com/2012/01/to-write-their-names-in-sand.html#:~:text=Carly%20Marie%20writes%20baby's%20and,a%20tribute%20post%20for%20free.

Just remember that this isn't your fault and you are never alone ❤

I heard this on Yellowstone (of all things), following a characters baby loss and it really has stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing as I can’t remember it exactly word for word but -

She lived a perfect life, she only knew your love and the comfort of you, untouched by hardship or worry.

It is honestly terrible that someone has called your decision selfish. It was the hardest decision, made because of how much you love her.

I haven't had your experience and I can only imagine how difficult it was to have to make that decision.

Rest assured you did it for the very best of reasons - to save your child from suffering. That takes a lot of strength and it was done out of love.

You are absolutely allowed to grieve for as long as necessary - please don't think otherwise. You take your time and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.

Wishing you all the best, truly.

I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for the loss of your baby. No one should call you selfish; you clearly made your decision with so much love for her. 💐💐💐

I remember first seeing this image years ago and thinking how true it is. You made one of the hardest decisions anyone can be asked to make, and you put what was best for your baby over anything else, even your own feelings. You are very brave, OP. You put your baby first.

I have two close friends who have gone through this. Incredibly strong women but this was truly the most raw and heartbroken I have ever seen them. This is a horrible decision to have to make, anybody who thinks this was a selfish decision is not worth giving space to. You were put in one of the most impossible situations with the most importable decision to make. You did what you felt was right, you have had to deal with the mental and physical ramifications and therefore only you get to have an opinion on it. I’m so sorry you’ve felt the need to justify your decision to anyone.

One of my friends got pregnant again and one of my friends didn’t and that ship has now sailed. But they are both ok. They are both successful, lovely, kind women who had to make an impossible choice.

Please allow yourself to grieve, share your feelings with those you trust if you feel comfortable and don’t let anyone shame you for your decision ♥️

I would have made the same decision and I’m sorry that someone called you selfish. That says a lot about them. You made the right choice for you. Sorry it’s hard though, sending best wishes ❤️❤️

You broke your own heart, to do what was best for your child. The bravest thing a mother can do.
I have no experience in this. But I have lost a baby to still birth at 36 wks. Even with my experience, I support your decision.
SANDS are an amazing charity. I raised money for them last year as they helped me a lot.
You maybe should have some counselling? Not because of the grief, as that is normal. But to come to peace with your decision.
Lots of love xx

Grief is weird and horrible but don't try to hold it back or rush through it. Take you're time and allow yourself to grieve properly.

You made the right decision for you and your daughter, you thought about her quality of life and how you would cope. That's not selfish, that's a really tough and heartbreaking decision that anyone would struggle with.

I’m so sorry for the position you found yourself in and for the loss of your baby. Grief doesn’t have a timeline and you have every right to grieve for years and decades ahead, though I hope it will become less raw and painful as time goes on. I have to say though that I would be astounded if you weren’t still grieving now - it’s very early days with lots of trigger points for grief. Be kind to yourself, I hope you have support in real life, do things that you find nurturing and comforting and reassure yourself that you did the best you could for her. Do you feel you can manage being at work or would some time off help? I’m a GP and would be very ready to sign you off for a period of time especially around the due date, as well as talking things through with you and offering any additional support as appropriate.
take good care and sending hugs across the internet.

What a horrible comment that person said to you in so sorry. It's not true xxxx

I am so so sorry. I would have done the same thing for exactly the same reasons.

I think your pain is exacerbated by the fact you haven’t conceived. It was the right decision for you, the fact you haven’t conceived yet is another matter. But all your reasons for the TMFR make sense so remember why you did it.

As far as conception goes, have you talked to a clinic about your options. We needed IVF to conceive our second child, and in retrospect I wish we had done it sooner. I was scared of the process but trying naturally and having months and months of disappointment was a lot more painful.

Big hugs to you. I hope you get your little miracle and I am so sorry for your heartache. Life can be incredibly cruel.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's absolutely normal to still feel like this, you're grieving a much wanted baby, and after a previous loss too. Something like a due date will be very triggering with pregnancy loss grief. It doesn't matter how your lost your baby, that doesn't take away from the grief and pain you feel. If anything, I can imagine there may even be an aspect of guilt that's making it all feel so much worse and maybe stopping you from allowing yourself to grieve.
Give yourself the time and space to feel what you need to feel, and honour your lost babies ♥️

I mean the type of person who calls bereaved mothers murderers, which has happened to me on MN, there are some truly awful people in the world who get a kick out of aiming to vilify traumatized mothers.

Although I wouldn't necessarily worry about the Arc website. The forum is (or was when I was accessing it, I'm assuming it's still similar) not simple to gain access to. It takes a day or so and requires human to human contact and information sharing.

I'm so sorry you have experienced this too 🤍 it's so unfair x

I'm so sorry

@FourLittleStars

I posted mine before reading yours, I added the link to ARC. I’m worried that might have been a mistake, what do you mean it can attract all sorts?

I am so sorry for your losses too 💛

I had a TFMR 8 years ago and my heart still aches for my very much wanted and very much loved baby. Hardest decision I’ve ever made and I still think about my baby all the time.

This charity was amazing and they really did help me in my darkest moments: https://www.arc-uk.org/

This analogy was also very useful to explain grief and 8 years down the line I can tell you it is true. You will never “get over it” but you will learn to live with it. It does get easier. https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.

Another great video to watch is this one: https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en I must have watched it so many times.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. You did the best for your baby and that makes you the best mum, you will take the pain so your baby didn’t have to suffer. Your baby only knew pure love and joy and she felt it inside of you.

Sending lots of love.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl.

I have had two second trimester TFMRs.

The pain doesn't leave you but the grief becomes less raw. Almost 2 and 3 years on, I still have days where I'm almost taken off my feet by the sheer loss.

Allow yourself to grieve and please don't ever be led by what people, who have no idea of the horror and hell of TFMR, who are negative about your story, have to say. I have been called a murderer on here by someone who just couldn't understand the pure love that surrounded my very wanted and adored babies, but the desire for them not to suffer was greater than anything else.

Your baby only ever knew love, warmth and the steady beating of your heart. She never knew pain, cold, hunger or suffering. You did the most selfless thing you could as a mother and took on the pain so she never had to experience it.

I do have a living child, born before my losses, but after my second TFMR (having had a MC and a MMC in between) I couldn't do it anymore and decided to stop TTC. There is grief and loss there too that you haven't become pregnant, the focus of needing a rainbow can be so consuming. It took over me for a long time.

SANDS are amazing, please look up your local chapter, they will have meetings, or will be able to point you in the direction of meetings (and if they don't have then PM me and I'll see if I can help). I have been supported by them throughout. There is also an ARC forum and a thread on here for post TFMR support (which I won't link to as it can attract all sorts but feel free to message me and ill sign post you there if you haven't already.

Sending love to you and your little one 🤍

I've been through this - 7 years ago now. You have lost a child, no one could possibly expect you to be over it by now. Not only that, you've had to make a decision no parent should have to make. It will never leave you but it gets easier, I promise. Look after yourself and do whatever it takes to get yourself through this. Sending love to you and I'm sorry for your loss x