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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
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sashadjas · 09/10/2023 23:22

WindowsSmindows · 07/09/2023 11:23

So you set up an arranged marriage for your daughter and he's a loser?
This isn't about the food he eats this is big picture stuff. How do you feel about facilitating or arranging for your young daughter to live with a poor partner?

WHAT the actual fuck...are you on glue???

sugarrosepetal · 22/09/2023 21:03

I've just came across your post. I can understand your frustration. If he's stopped eating meals, constantly filling up on snacks and eating enough of them that would do the full family, please keep an eye on him for an eating disorder such as bulimia. It could just be a teen phase but better to be safe than sorry.

lljkk · 15/09/2023 21:30

You're a good person, Moo.

Back in the 80s when I was young... I worked at a business where the deputy manager (Jo) was about 50. Her 3 adult kids all still lived at home & all worked with us... as did a good friend (Alex) of her youngest son. Alex's friends had moved away & Alex moved in with Jo's family when Alex was about 16 or 17. I never asked for details but it was obvious Jo had a big heart.

It was the right thing to do. I filed the story away, as something I would want to emulate if the opportunity arose when my own kids were adults. Kindness is so under-rated nowadays.

Mooomooland · 14/09/2023 15:00

I literally just paid for my DSs girlfriend to get a van to take her stuff to university. The parents are absolute bastards and I felt so sorry for her that they wouldn't help.

Probably not relevant but the point is that he loves her, and I treat her like my own child in many ways as she's part of the family.

Neodymium · 14/09/2023 14:36

Strawberryboost · 09/09/2023 08:01

@Neodymium you lock up all snacks otherwise your children and your DH would eat them all

you children will be one of those I see in the mornings walking to school.. stopping at the newsagents to buy a load of junk and scoffing mars bars down their throat at 7.30am if you don’t address this

No they don’t 🙄 school snacks are just convenient to eat rather than make themselves something else like a sandwich that takes time. None of the snacks are chocolates anyway. Musli bars, salami sticks, crackers and cheese dip.

Hubblebubble · 10/09/2023 00:00

OP doesn't want to acknowledge how trapped this poor boy is

Susandorothy22 · 09/09/2023 17:35

Have you thought about having him checked for diabetes?
Our eldest DS constantly snacked on sweet stuff before we found out that he had diabetes at the age of 18.

ihadamarveloustime · 09/09/2023 16:27

Rounee · 09/09/2023 11:54

Maybe he's depressed because he wants to dump your daughter but can't because he'd be homeless otherwise.

He's completely dependant on your family. You really don't see how unhealthy it is?

A family friend would be different.

But he hasn't got a choice. He needs to stay in this relationship. You can't see the power differential?

Show quote history

That's the 'inertia' I posted about higher up: it is sooo much harder to break up with someone if you're living with them, and people stay in relationships that aren't working for them longer than they want to/should because of it.

OP is making a mistake here by letting him live there and refuses to see it.

ladykale · 09/09/2023 14:23

Sorry but why do parents enable situations that are to the detriment of your own children?!

What does on off since age 12 even mean. Why does a 12yo have a boyfriend.

Why are you allowing him to live in your daughter's room. Why are you allowing herself to tie herself to someone who sounds like they need help, but ultimately at her age she should be focusing on her education and qualifications.

He should be living with his parents or get a job and pay private rent.

Rounee · 09/09/2023 11:54

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:39

I think people are missing the problem - by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him. Just putting a roof over his head isn't enough, he's a young person who needs support starting out in life. She meant well but hasn't actually done him any favours.

Maybe he's depressed because he wants to dump your daughter but can't because he'd be homeless otherwise.

He's completely dependant on your family. You really don't see how unhealthy it is?

A family friend would be different.

But he hasn't got a choice. He needs to stay in this relationship. You can't see the power differential?

Nonethemiser · 09/09/2023 11:22

Just re-read the original post and I think the line about him having eaten dinner with them in the past could be key. Why not anymore? Is it because he's full of snacks or is it because he feels guilty or senses he's being pushed out. I have a lot of sympathy for everyone in this scenario including the boy. I suspect he's really struggling, is incapable of sorting it out himself and desperately needs an adult who cares to talk to...

FattyGonzalez · 09/09/2023 11:02

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:39

I think people are missing the problem - by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him. Just putting a roof over his head isn't enough, he's a young person who needs support starting out in life. She meant well but hasn't actually done him any favours.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Op did the best she could at that time

MuddlerInLaw · 09/09/2023 11:01

by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him.

Exactly. ⭐️

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:39

I think people are missing the problem - by taking him in, OP has cut him off from support that would otherwise have been available to him. Just putting a roof over his head isn't enough, he's a young person who needs support starting out in life. She meant well but hasn't actually done him any favours.

Allyliz · 09/09/2023 10:36

Why are you putting up with this slug in your home ? He sounds completely disrespectful and is using you shamelessly... boot his lazy arse out and feel no guilt

FattyGonzalez · 09/09/2023 10:20

Strawberryboost · 09/09/2023 08:35

Where to start?

i don’t have the energy beyond 🤫

Show quote history

Whatevs 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

MuddlerInLaw · 09/09/2023 10:04

The OP said above that her daughter would be attending a university close to home - so not moving out.

At 18, his free ride is over.

What ‘free ride’? He’s been a child until very recently. And 18 year olds still need a lot of parental support, financially and emotionally.

JudgeRudy · 09/09/2023 09:51

Just wanted to clarify...is your daughter going away to uni or will she be studying locally and continuing to live with you? I ask because you need to decide if he's family or a lodger. It sounds like you view him as family and its almost as if you have an extra child. So let's look at it as if it's your son behaving this way. You've had a discussion about the snacks, you've then 'spoken to' and you've 'nagged'. If you're accepting him as a package, you'd be perfectly reasonable to hide stuff. You shouldn't have to, but it's really not so unusual.
I think I might use the cupcake incident as an opener for a broader conversation. I don't know if you had CB for him but I'm assuming that will stop now. At 18, his free ride is over. Maybe ask him if he wants to have his own snack tub etc so he can keep his stuff separate. Say if he let's you know he's welcome to join you for meals but you need to work out a system so you're not all taking each others food. I think that might let him know that going forward you are expecting him to be a bit more independent and buying his own food. He can also let you know if he wants to 'book' the kitchen for meal prep (for him and daughter). The other alternative is he pays board 'when he starts work'....

Bignanny30 · 09/09/2023 09:42

Don’t hide the snacks, just ask him not to eat them. Tell him they’re for packed lunches etc. If he has his own money, ask him to get his own. Also he sounds like he might be suffering from depression, have a chat. Maybe he needs help.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 09/09/2023 09:40

Why aren't his mum and dad paying towards his living costs?
You said he moved in with your family 8 months ago, when he was still 17 and (technically) still attending school.
Even if his father now lives abroad, he should still be contributing towards his son's upkeep.
Who gets/ got the child benefit etc and does/did any of that come to you? Who buys his clothes and shoes?
It's a shame that you didn't do more to signpost him to the help available 6+ months ago, while he was still in full-time education and under 18 - social services would have been more likely to support him in various ways, and he would have become more eligible for a secure social housing tenancy in the future - but it's not too late to do some research and actually help him sort his life out (as you seem keen to parent the boy, and part of that is encouraging young people to become more capable of living independently)

Mikki77 · 09/09/2023 09:30

Hi OP - I got to the post late.

Just want to say hide the snacks and talk to him to encourage him to have meals with you.

And finally you are a fucking awesome mum for welcoming him into your family. He needs good family and love. ❤️👍🏻

CleptoCleoCookoo · 09/09/2023 09:30

So many blurry unhealthy boundaries here.

Op feels maternalistic/parental but has no actual ability to parent a lazy teen as he's not her child but is having boundary issues you'd normally address if it were a tenant, flatmate, boyfriend of her own

The DD is so young and doesn't actually have any breathing room from a relationship when she has not had a chance to develop as a young adult - she will be feeling a mix of obligation and worry if she wanted to end this relationship because her mother has invited her to become responsible for another adult at such a young age!

What a damaging mess for everyone

I can understand a couple of weeks on a sofa in an emergency but inviting an educationally failing adult to tie around your daughter just about to head off on her own university journey is utterly irresponsible

Thinking with the heart rather than what's best for anyone

Ohhoho · 09/09/2023 09:16

Oh dear. Facts are then that he is now an adult, messed up school, not able to go on to higher Ed. will fFE college accept him? Who pays the college? He’s had his two years further ed… he’s been living with you since he was a child…
so how can he buy snacks? Does he sign on? What advice are the authorities giving him? Where are his parents? This boy has messed up who has been guiding him? Your daughter?
This is very serious. I can see how day flips into day but this guy needs more help than you or your daughter are (very generously) giving.
Pretend he’s your son. What would you do next? Your half hearted approach is not helping. You can’t in all humanity just throw him out (assuming he has no parental home) so you better take control and do some interrogating. It’s your house take control

MamaAm · 09/09/2023 08:59

He sounds as those he may have an eating disorder and perhaps depression? He definitely needs to be encouraged to see a gp. A lot of adolescent boys suffer in silence. He might be stuffing his face but is he keeping it down?

Strawberryboost · 09/09/2023 08:49

The op clearly is rather fond of cupcakes