To hate parenting?

My MH suffered but it didn't get to the point where it wasn't safe for me to care for DC. Maybe it would have if I had forced myself to take 9 months of maternity leave because that is what mothers 'should' do?

I can be an excellent parent and part of that is because I work.

If you have very poor mental health you still have so much to offer your baby, even your scent and tone will be recognised instantly by them. Your baby loves you even if you are unwell, it doesn’t depend on you delivering excellent parenting 247 there is good enough parenting.

If your MH is so bad you couldn’t care for your baby and it wasn’t safe, and work was the only option, of course you must take that route. The safety of your child is essential.

I am sorry you have struggled so much, but if you read my posts my beef is with the bored brigade and certainly not mothers that are mentally unwell.

You keep not answering my question. How would it benefit the baby to stay at home with someone who has poor mental health and is utterly miserable? It benefits the baby more to have someone who works if it makes them a better parent which it absolutely does for me.

Of course it is partly down to sexism. Men often go back to work after 2 weeks with no judgement because it's expected, I imagine they would also be judged less if they stated that they found the baby stage to be boring. Women are expected to love every single minute, sacrifice their careers and their own wants and needs. That isn't biology, that's sexism.

My DC has an incredibly strong bond with both of us. I'm not the primary parent just because I'm the mother and I see that as a very positive thing.

It’s all about you.
Whats best for you, what’s interesting for you. What about the actual baby’s needs? The baby doesn’t have the autonomy to choose or even be heard.

As for male bond, you can flame me for saying this but in my very extensive experience over the decades of raising children and all of our friends. It is rare that a bond is as strong as the mothers.

You can scream sexism or whatever but almost always the primary attachment due to breastfeeding and bonding by creating and giving the baby life is with the mother. Certainly in the first year. It is the strongest bond ( usually, all things being well) of all relationships between mother and child, with good reason, to say otherwise is to deny the biology. That is not to say it can’t be 50/50 or special relationships developing between the child and their father.

The baby stage bored me shitless.
I hated every second of it.
Toddlers onwards was so much fun.

I'm a better parent because I work. Going back to work at 3 months was absolutely the best thing for my DC.

Yes, I could've forced myself to stay at home until 9 months but to use your own words, at what cost? How would having poor mental health be the best thing for my baby? How would DC benefit having a parent at home who is miserable? I still haven't seen an answer for that.

It's perfectly possible to go back at 3 months, 4 months, 6 months etc and have a wonderful bond with DC. Again, ask fathers, they go back to work early of the time without being called selfish.

I was judgmental as Chica before I had my own baby and realised how insanely lonely and depressed I am on maternity leave. Having no village isn’t helping! No matter how much I love my son, won’t change how hard I am finding this time. I wish it was different and I want to make the most of it by enjoying my son, I am slowly starting to go back to social circles etc., but still it’s huge shift in life and not everyone waltz into it.

@lastchancechica I think you have me mixed up with another poster - I was off for over a year with both my kids, not 12 weeks.

Different things suit different families. I can't read your mind, and you are entitled to your own views, but it seems like you have trouble coming to terms with that. And as many have said, most men seem to manage to bond with their children, despite few of them taking many weeks or months of early parental leave. (I'm all for them doing so if feasible.)

I'm glad you yourself had a lovely mat leave experience. Everyone should if they can. Not everyone can.

Someone that describes bring with their baby intensely boring and cut short mat leave at 12 weeks or before as a result because they are bored is welcome to feel those things but it is sad especially for the baby let’s not pretend it isn’t!

Yes they spared themselves the boredom but at what cost?

You should read all of the thread, I wasn’t talking about op, we also don’t have to love or even like parenting, but our dc deserve to feel valued, loved and interesting as human beings.

Why don't you ask men that? They bond with their babies despite often going back to work just 2 weeks after birth.

I don't believe anyone has said that they literally had a baby and then went straight back to work but just talked about going back before the standard 9-12 months.

I went back when DS was 3 months old and it will be the same with this baby too. No regrets and we have an amazing bond, as does DH who went back to work when he was 4 weeks old.

OP. You can totally love your kids but not want to spend all day alone with them! I'm a better mum because I work. It took me a while to not feel guilty about that but it's true! I wasn't in to painting at home and sand play etc but both my kids loved it at nursery. If you are going back to work, you will feel like you again. And you will enjoy your child more when you aren't with them all day - the time becomes more special. Try not to compare yourself to others or worry about what others think. Just be you. Good luck going back to work xx

@Lastchancechica oh come on. Nobody is advocating not bonding with your newborn at all. Indeed the OP said in her first post, not that she wished she had gone back to work straightaway, but that she wished she had gone back after six or nine months. That's plenty of time to bond. And if you can manage to work P/T (and no, not all of us get that option) then you can still have plenty of daytime with your kid, it's just not 24/7.

If you had bothered to read my post properly you would see I was NOT talking about parents that are unwell, have PND or other difficulties. I was talking about the bored brigade saying they were too bored and cba. Vastly different from parents needing more support, help etc.

You are either being disingenuous or deliberately selective. I am certainly not going to cheerlead a parent that chooses to have a baby, and then decide they are boring and opt out when they are still tiny!

Lastchancechica ....... flounce and selfish ?.

I went back to working 12-hour shifts on a Major Trauma Unit in central London !.

My first shift back was desperately trying to keep an 18-year-old female student alive who had been runover by a cement lorry. That she was later ( weeks later ) able to hug her parents and thank us personally must be a measure of my selfishness.

I didn't take 5 "A" levels, followed by hard years of medical study, placements, exams, assessments and being shouted to sit at home, occasionally changing a baby that slept 99% of the time, and throwing a vacuum around.

My "baby" grew up to be a healthy, happy and motivated young woman. She is now a medical student.

I had two more, they are both healthy and well-adjusted teenagers.

I didn't get married just to have kids, there is more to me than that, so I saw no issue in hiring a nanny and pursuing my career.

Also, I was not their only parent. Their father was quite capable, able and willing to look after them too.

Oh god yes. I was so sure I wouldn’t want to return from maternity leave but in reality I was so lonely. I loved going to work and catching up with friends (very lucky to work in an industry with lots of women my age/on my wave length) and feeling useful and valued. It did not help that I had my baby end of 2020 so there wasn’t much on due to covid restrictions. I nearly killed myself establishing exclusive breastfeeding (after lots of rubbish advice from well meaning health professionals) and following gentle sleep advice.
I’m pregnant again and this time I will not be spending one minute attached to a breast pump (baby can have formula if they can’t direct BF), I will use a dummy for settling and I have already compiled a list of groups and activities on around me so I have something to do every week day.

OP, all I can say is solidarity. My son is not even 2 months old and I’m already dreaming about going back to work. I love my son more than anything, honestly I never thought I would love
him more than my husband, but I crave adult company and decent conversation. We didn’t even get into routine yet, because he’s still so young. Every damn baby group in my area
is at 9.00am, when my son is still asleep. I didn’t meet any of my friends, because I was so anxious to leave the house and feed him or change nappy, didn’t invite anyone for coffee, because I was struggling with breastfeeding and had quite serious baby blues. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in a few months, but I really thought I would make great sahm. Now I don’t know how women do it, because I’m staying home only for a year and it feels like eternity. I know he’s my one and done, because I can’t do it again.

My husband has bonded fully with his baby and works full time. I didn't realise mums were different.

It's attitudes and people like Lastchancechica that make it hard for people to get help for post natal depression or be able to speak about how they feel. Telling people they should "deal with it" or they are being self pitying is abhorrent. A few months can feel like a lifetime when you're in the thick of it. Women shouldn't be told how to act or how to feel about motherhood. Just because you wanted to martyr yourself doesn't mean others should at the expense of their own health and wellbeing. How is an unwell mum beneficial to a baby?

This thread is so dispiriting.
It’s the poor me,me me pity club.

Some times in life - having a child is one of those times, that you have to endure hardship in some form or another to fully support and care for a newborn. It’s hard work yes, but to flounce and say it’s ‘boring’ and I can’t be bothered is actually disgraceful.

I used the word parent for that reason - read my post carefully.

How in gods name do you bond with a baby that is still newborn if you work full time? Are you planning to take the baby with you?

This is not about YOU.

And whether you are miserable or not for gods sake! You are a fully grown adult and can deal with it for a few months, it’s about putting time love and effort into a vulnerable , and yes needy newborn baby that has just arrived into the world. It’s not about you! This is the one time in your life when putting your needs aside for a short time is essential for the well being of your baby.

Aaah the martyrs have turned up since l last read this thread. Love the way they are giving the mums grief while the Dad’s get to toddled off to work again. Glad lm not having any more children (we had twins so it’s a big no!), the hypocrisy and sexism around caring for children doesn’t work for me

Them taking the baby wouldn't have made any difference, I couldn't relax knowing that my child was so miserable. The kitchen doesn't stop being on fire just because you close the door and go stand in the garden. They were my responsibility, that's the point of maternity leave, to look after your baby. I didn't enjoy it so I won't be doing it again (and by it, I mean having another baby that I have to look after).

It's very possible to go back to work before the standard 9-12 months and bond with them and have a secure attachment with them.

Again, I'm wondering how it would be beneficial for a baby to have a parent at home who is miserable? That isn't benefitting anyone.

Yes!! It’s only nine months fgs and bonding with your baby can not be farmed out to other people!!

Your baby has lived inside your body for nine whole months, and needs to establish trust and a secure attachment to a parent - this is absolutely imperative for their development.

Sorry, but I just can not buy into this idea that if you are bored with your baby you just put your own needs first and leave asap. It’s messed up and incredibly selfish! You choose to have a baby - the very darn least you can do is give it your best shot for a few mere months!!!!!!!

ffs

What's the alternative? Lie? Be a martyr, stay at home for 9 months but be miserable? How does that benefit the baby?

You can be an excellent parent (well, mother, no one judges fathers for not pushing for shared parental leave and going back to work as early as 2 weeks after baby is born) but find the baby stage mind numbing.

Thankfully the baby stage is a very short part of parenting, all things considered.