Page 2 | To hate parenting?

StrongUsernameHere · 2023-09-06T14:06:26+00:00

Every mum I spoke to while I was pregnant told me to max out my mat leave - ‘you’ll want all the time you can get with your baby!’ they said. Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave and wish I’d only done 6 or max 9 months. I love my baby obviously but I HATE spending all day with her alone. I mean it drives me mad. I can’t wait for my baby to go to nursery, which will be happening very soon, thankfully. I feel so alone in this. I know mums who aren’t even going back to work because they love it so much. Should I never have had a baby? Am I just not cut out for this?

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 14:39

The above was to @Lastchancechica

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 14:38

Your own link says that babies can form attachments with more than one person.

I'm not threatened by other people bonding with my baby, it doesn’t take away the close bond I have with him. I see it as a good thing.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 14:18

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:14

Do you realise how offensive this could be to gay dads or adoptive parents who didn’t carry or breastfeed their children? Or men who choose to become sahds?

What ate you suggesting we rewrite biology and pretend men can carry babies? That breastfeeding is irrelevant?

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:16

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:14

Do you realise how offensive this could be to gay dads or adoptive parents who didn’t carry or breastfeed their children? Or men who choose to become sahds?

Was referring to previous quote about only biological breastfeeding mothers being able to be primary caregivers here. Can’t master quotes!

Conky1975 · 09/09/2023 14:14

Do you realise how offensive this could be to gay dads or adoptive parents who didn’t carry or breastfeed their children? Or men who choose to become sahds?

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:52

A full time job at 12 weeks takes you out of the house for almost all of the baby’s waking hours for 5 days a week. With just weekend parenting available.
Of course you can not expect to become the primary caregiver as your baby’s needs will be met by someone else for the majority of the time.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:49

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 13:44

I’m well aware of the research, thanks.

I feel incredibly comfortable with my choice. My baby has more than one caregiver and as your link very helpfully points out, babies are able to form bonds with more than one caregiver which is exactly what he has done.

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That’s right so there is every chance that your newborn baby will form a secure attachment with someone other than you.
The classic case and example with very young children calling the nanny mama. The mother and father become distant, background figures and not the primary caregiver. It sounds like you are cool with that, as is your choice.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 13:44

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:37

Cutting short your maternity leave because you are ‘bored’ of your baby is questionable parenting. That’s almost certainly the only time your baby will ever have with you that is uninterrupted by other demands of life, and it is a key developmental stage for attachment.
Whether you like it or not, it’s a fact.

Don’t take my word for it, despite my life’s work, read the evidence and research yourself:

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

I’m well aware of the research, thanks.

I feel incredibly comfortable with my choice. My baby has more than one caregiver and as your link very helpfully points out, babies are able to form bonds with more than one caregiver which is exactly what he has done.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 13:37

Cutting short your maternity leave because you are ‘bored’ of your baby is questionable parenting. That’s almost certainly the only time your baby will ever have with you that is uninterrupted by other demands of life, and it is a key developmental stage for attachment.
Whether you like it or not, it’s a fact.

Don’t take my word for it, despite my life’s work, read the evidence and research yourself:

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

Attachment and child development | NSPCC Learning

Explains why attachment is important as well as the different stages. Includes information on types of attachment, attachment issues and the effect of trauma.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 13:34

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 12:52

I hope you are getting good mental health support this time around.💐

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I’ll be going back to work at 3 months again. Works wonders for me.

andthat · 09/09/2023 13:06

Jackienory · 08/09/2023 11:47

Lastchancechica ....... flounce and selfish ?.

I went back to working 12-hour shifts on a Major Trauma Unit in central London !.

My first shift back was desperately trying to keep an 18-year-old female student alive who had been runover by a cement lorry. That she was later ( weeks later ) able to hug her parents and thank us personally must be a measure of my selfishness.

I didn't take 5 "A" levels, followed by hard years of medical study, placements, exams, assessments and being shouted to sit at home, occasionally changing a baby that slept 99% of the time, and throwing a vacuum around.

My "baby" grew up to be a healthy, happy and motivated young woman. She is now a medical student.

I had two more, they are both healthy and well-adjusted teenagers.

I didn't get married just to have kids, there is more to me than that, so I saw no issue in hiring a nanny and pursuing my career.

Also, I was not their only parent. Their father was quite capable, able and willing to look after them too.

Quite right OP. More posts like this will help woman see that it is not ‘selfish’ to pursue a career and be a mother if that is what is wanted. Kudos to you for doing so whilst raising a family.

FFS. We really have not evolved at all judging by some responses. I hope for your daughters that attitudes change!

andthat · 09/09/2023 13:00

StrongUsernameHere · 06/09/2023 20:01

Thank you so much for all your responses. Made me feel a lot better. I am fortunate to have a great partner and very nearby mum but I really wanted to do a PERFECT job of it all by myself – exclusively breastfeeding, baby led weaning, no screen time, etc etc – and I think I burnt out tbh.

I also feel lonely because I’m the first of anyone I’m friends with to have a baby and they were all like… why on earth would you do that?

Nowadays my baby crawls and stands and cruises non-stop and it’s exhausting, every nappy change is a battle, she’s super clingy and hates being in the pram or car seat (cries horrendously until I carry her) so going out the house is just basically horrible.

But I’m really hoping that as a PP suggested I don’t actually hate parenting it’s just I need time away from it! I’m terrified of the toddler years but at least I’ll be working… so I’ll be able to appreciate her more on my days off. Fingers crossed!

OP this is the stage I found the hardest. Mobile. With no common sense, determined to find new and inventive ways to potentially kill themselves.

I used to search for posts like yours to reassure myself I wasn’t alone in not loving parenting.

It definitely got easier for me when they got older and more independent and I started to enjoy it. It doesn’t necessarily follow that you’ll always dislike it later because you dislike it now.

I shudder now when I see other people in that phase and thank god it’s passed!!

For you now…’this too, shall pass’ is a good mantra!!

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 12:52

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 12:20

Except I do spend time with him. Again, just not all of my time.

I'm confident that he will care very little about when I went back to work when he's older.

You assume incorrectly, I'm currently pregnant. I'm willing to go through the boring newborn stage one more time because I know that it gets better as they get older and the newborn stage is thankfully short.

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I hope you are getting good mental health support this time around.💐

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2023 12:20

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 05:16

No one is forced to do anything, most parents want to spend time with their young babies, if you didn’t want to, that’s completely up to you.

You won’t know the true strength of the bond for years and years, babies are entirely dependent on you and can’t advocate for themselves at this point but they will soon be vocal in children/teens/adults. Most issues will present much, much later.

I assume you are only having one if it hasn’t been a great experience?

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Except I do spend time with him. Again, just not all of my time.

I'm confident that he will care very little about when I went back to work when he's older.

You assume incorrectly, I'm currently pregnant. I'm willing to go through the boring newborn stage one more time because I know that it gets better as they get older and the newborn stage is thankfully short.

Failingmiserablyrightnow · 09/09/2023 11:11

I have a teen and had a surprise pregnancy and now have a 6 month old. I find the baby stage VERY hard because I am perfectionist. Everything still spotless, still be the 100% perfect mum to my eldest and the one in my family who shows up for everyone/everything and quietly suffer. I'm completely shattered. Have found the best way for me is to go straight to our local country park after school drop off and have a walk/feed ducks/swings (her on my knee) and a good walk. Baby doesn't sleep well but will nap for 20 mins in a pushchair after a good play so we enjoy the park together and then i walk. So good for my mental health and great stimulation for my little one and good bonding time. Then i feel like i've already achieved in my day and the rest is a bonus. I am NOT a playgroup mum sadly. I miss adult company but not the playgroup kind which would make life easier.
It's ok not to love this stage. I can still say i'm doing a good job and my baby is so happy and i am completely in love with her but I know i'm better with a toddler. Me and my eldest lived our best life at that age. Parks whatever the weather, swimming, pond dipping, den building. Can't wait for those days and they are worth every tantrum. A little best buddy in my passenger seat. I excel in those days and have done since. I just find baby days rough. Hang in there, you will be great once your babe is older. These days do not define you as a Mum

Stacybrown · 09/09/2023 09:01

I was told to take as long as your can for maternity but I felt the same as you and went back after 7 months. Returning to work was almost self care for me and being at nursery has done wonders for my DD. I make sure I spend quality time with her everyday, so before work she sits with me whilst I do my make up and she has her own baby creams and clean brushes and we make it a game, then evening we have snuggles and story time. I try and make plans for the weekend so we can get out together and enjoy that time and before work on a Friday we do breakfast together at a local cafe.
Every mum is different but this has been great for me. I just had a week off with my DD and we have been so busy and had a wonderful week but I miss the break that work gives me and I can’t wait to go back Monday. I think motherhood uses a lot of physical energy where as work (for me) uses mental energy and so I need that balance.

if that baby is loved and looked after, you’re still an incredible mum even if you want your career! We are allowed to be something other than a mum, we are allowed to enjoy that and we are allowed to need a break from parenting.

Toomuch2019 · 09/09/2023 08:38

You are definitely not alone. I hated my first mat leave and just about tolerated the second. I love my kids but am just not a baby person and also I like my job too!

Now the kids are older though I really enjoy spending time with them. Hang in there!!!!

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 09/09/2023 08:24

Love my kids, couldn’t spend all day, everyday with them! I’m a teacher so just had 6 weeks off with them and I was ready to go back to work. Some mums are happy to be at home all day, others need to work. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids if you are the latter, you recognise your limitations and decide to give your kids a smaller amount of you but hopefully a less stressed you.

It like I couldn’t teach primary school but equally primary school teachers say to me they couldn’t teach secondary. People are different but ultimately we all care about the kids.

Chestnutz · 09/09/2023 06:34

Sounds like your mat leave has been a bit relentless. I did 12 months and was very pleased to go back to work. During my Mat leave I also did an evening class that kept me sane and gave me adult chat.

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 05:16

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 19:14

I still spend time with my baby. It just isn't all of my time because I work as well, again, we still have a wonderful bond. It hasn't made any difference at all that I went back after 3 months.

Do they? In some countries, 6-12 weeks of maternity leave is still the standard. I don't think it should be the standard but I don't think women should feel forced to take the 9 months either because it absolutely isn't best for every mother or every baby. It certainly wasn't for me or my baby.

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No one is forced to do anything, most parents want to spend time with their young babies, if you didn’t want to, that’s completely up to you.

You won’t know the true strength of the bond for years and years, babies are entirely dependent on you and can’t advocate for themselves at this point but they will soon be vocal in children/teens/adults. Most issues will present much, much later.

I assume you are only having one if it hasn’t been a great experience?

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 19:14

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 19:04

I think you do need to spend time with the baby especially in the early months, which is the whole point of maternity leave! Everyone accepts its better for baby and mothers.

I still spend time with my baby. It just isn't all of my time because I work as well, again, we still have a wonderful bond. It hasn't made any difference at all that I went back after 3 months.

Do they? In some countries, 6-12 weeks of maternity leave is still the standard. I don't think it should be the standard but I don't think women should feel forced to take the 9 months either because it absolutely isn't best for every mother or every baby. It certainly wasn't for me or my baby.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 19:04

I think you do need to spend time with the baby especially in the early months, which is the whole point of maternity leave! Everyone accepts its better for baby and mothers.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 19:03

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 19:03

Which is possible to do without spending 24/7 with your baby. Finding the baby stage to be boring doesn't mean that you love them any less.

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I don’t agree

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 19:03

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 18:54

What do you want me to say? That’s your choice? Good on you?
The love and effort you put in now when they are babies really builds foundations for the future. It’s your choice if you want to.

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Which is possible to do without spending 24/7 with your baby. Finding the baby stage to be boring doesn't mean that you love them any less.

Lastchancechica · 08/09/2023 18:54

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/09/2023 18:49

My MH suffered but it didn't get to the point where it wasn't safe for me to care for DC. Maybe it would have if I had forced myself to take 9 months of maternity leave because that is what mothers 'should' do?

I can be an excellent parent and part of that is because I work.

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What do you want me to say? That’s your choice? Good on you?
The love and effort you put in now when they are babies really builds foundations for the future. It’s your choice if you want to.