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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to not take a present?

37 replies

Whatshallichangemyusernameto · 05/09/2023 06:52

Hard hat donned… here goes!
A very good friend of mine who I’ve know for about 25 years is getting married in a few weeks and had a get-together at their house so wedding guests could meet each other - a lovely idea as there will only be about 20 people at the wedding. She prepared a buffet for us all. They have been living in the house for years but recently (a year or so ago) bought it off their landlord and have done it up so wanted to show it off. I would too - it’s beautiful!

They've been engaged for about eight years but have been unable to get married as they were brought up in different religions and cultures and it took a very long time for their families to accept their relationship, so it wasn’t an engagement party. The day before, I messaged the bride asking if there was anything she wanted me to bring. She thanked me but declined. I’m not sure this is relevant but I grew up in a different culture to both my friend and her fiancé and I’m used to people accepting an offer like this and suggesting I bring a plate of something for the buffet (politely, of course).

Anyway, during the party, I was chatting to my friend and she spotted a bottle bag in the corner and said, “Oh, somebody has left a present there. Most people gave them to me on the way in. Hmmmm.” I just shrugged it off and we carried on chatting. Last night, she messaged me with:
‘Hey, just going through the presents finally lol, there's a gift bottle of prosecco that hasn't got a card or label. Is that from you guys? Trying to track down the owner!’
Read: ‘Where is my present?!’

I didn’t take a present as I bought her one when she got engaged and was planning to put money in their wedding card as per their request. I also didn’t see it as a house-warming as I bought them a ‘new home’ card and gift when they moved in, not when they bought it recently. I also didn’t want to take a generic wine or prosecco gift as neither of them drink alcohol.

WIBU to not take a present to the party, just to give money as a wedding gift in a few weeks?

OP posts:
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Jaemoon · 06/09/2023 11:37

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 08:38

Don't send this message.

I don't know that the bride was asking "Where's my present". Please don't assume she was being grabby.

You could say "I didn't realise we were bringing wedding presents last night, I'd planned for bring it on the day"

I would normally take a token gift to a dinner party. A bottle, chocolates or flowers.

Show quote history

I think my message is much better, but whatevs.

slobro · 05/09/2023 16:42

The update sheds a different light! That's not a nice trait to have so she could well have been having a dig.

mosiacmaker · 05/09/2023 16:35

Woah woah woah - people are really jumping to conclusions here - she might have genuinely thought the bottle was from you and wanted to make sure she thanked you if so? Nothing here suggests that she is being a CF, I think you could be reading into things too much!

Original poster
Whatshallichangemyusernameto · 05/09/2023 16:31

Thank you everyone for your replies - they’ve been helpful. I’ll reply to her message now. Often when I go to parties at people’s houses, it’s usually for a birthday or similar type of celebration so take a gift for that particular occasion.
For those who’ve asked why I interpreted the message as ‘where’s my present?’, it’s because she has been judgemental about the monetary value of gifts she’s been given/someone has given to a third party in the past - I’ve never been on the receiving end of this before (as I know her well and we have a ‘budget’ of sorts when we buy each other gifts for Christmas and birthdays) but I know what she could be thinking.
Again, thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
chesterelly1 · 05/09/2023 12:42

Where I'm from a wedding gift is usually given prior to the wedding. But I think as more people switch to wanting money or gift cards that's changed, much easier to take along an envelope on the day than a canteen of cutlery or a bale of towels. It used to be the done thing to have a show of presents, it rankled a little with my DM that I didn't want one. Perhaps the other gifts were either wedding gifts or token "I never visit empty handed" type things. I think I'd reply "well after 25 years I think I know not to get you alcohol. Still planning to give you money as requested on the big day unless there's something else you need"

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/09/2023 10:14

YANBU to not take a gift.

However, she's your good friend of 25 years, and you've immediately interpreted her text in that way? I would have read it exactly the way she wrote it and thought no more of it. I'd give her a call and say it wasn't you, and you didn't give anything and now feeling a bit embarrassed - was it expected? I'm sure she'll put your mind at rest.

HardcoreLadyType · 05/09/2023 08:58

In the UK it is usual to bring a small gift to a party. In this case another guest took Prosecco. That gives you an idea of the value of the gift we’re talking about. Chocolates (or other posh sweets) flowers, a plant in a pretty pot, or a bottle of wine.

In your friend’s case, as they don’t drink, I wouldn’t have taken wine, but I wouldn’t have arrived with “my arms swinging”.

Re her queries about whether you brought the Prosecco, just reply it wasn’t from you and thank her for the lovely party. Don’t mention the lack of a gift from you - what’s done is done. You are not mean, and she knows that, and will certainly know it when she receives your wedding present.

OrigamiOwls · 05/09/2023 08:51

I agree with this. I don't think it sounds like she's being grabby, she just wants to make sure she thanks the right person 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whataretheodds · 05/09/2023 08:38

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:02

YANBU. She sounds very grabby and cheap, for the sake of a bottle of plonk.

I would message back ‘Hi, lovely party, thanks for having me. That wasn’t from me. Did everyone bring a bottle? I feel bad now. I know you guys don’t drink so I didn’t bring one! I will have a lovely wedding gift for you xx’

Don't send this message.

I don't know that the bride was asking "Where's my present". Please don't assume she was being grabby.

You could say "I didn't realise we were bringing wedding presents last night, I'd planned for bring it on the day"

I would normally take a token gift to a dinner party. A bottle, chocolates or flowers.

Snugglemonkey · 05/09/2023 08:29

I never go to someone's house forca gathering without something. I usually bring wine, as I drink it, and a bunch of flowers or a plant, chocolates or something for the hosts.

MiddleParking · 05/09/2023 07:28

I would have taken flowers tbh. It sounds like it was a housewarming/wedding/casual dinner party combo, all of which I’d take a gift to which would be flowers for non drinking hosts. But I think her manners in repeatedly mentioning gifts are off.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 05/09/2023 07:25

Your friend is asking if the prosecco was yours so she could thank the right person.

Definitely nothing to fret over here.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 05/09/2023 07:22

I’d just reply with a no and then move on from the presents, something like:

“Hi, no, wouldn’t be from us as we know you don’t drink so I guess the mystery continues. Thanks for hosting us yesterday, was lovely to meet your other guests, can’t believe it’s only a few weeks till the big day now!”

Auntieobem · 05/09/2023 07:21

It's normal to bring a bottle of something or a small present to a party/ get together etc. You shouldn't turn up somewhere with your arms the same length!

Aworldofwonder · 05/09/2023 07:20

I am baffled by this assumption the host was making a dig. I've quite likely sent similar after parties when I'm trying to thank people for their gifts and there is inevitably at least one present with no name on it. There is no subtext of "where's your gift" with it, I never expect gifts.

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:18

Smartiepants79 · 05/09/2023 07:15

I wouldn’t have interpreted that message as : where’s my present.
After we got married I sat down and opened our gifts, I made a note of who had given us what so that I could write to them all and thank them. We had two gifts with no labels on and maybe three or four friends who didn’t seem to have given a present. I sent them all the same message in an attempts to track down who had sent them.
I was not being grabby or demanding gifts from those who had chosen not to but I needed to know what was what or someone was going to think we were rude for not saying thank you!
I would not have taken alcohol to the home of people who don’t drink. It is perhaps nice to take some chocolates or flowers for a host at a dinner party but I would never think twice about a friend who hadn’t bought me anything!

But when coupled with friend’s comment on the night (“Oh, somebody has left a present there. Most people gave them to me on the way in. Hmmmm.”) it does sound like they were expecting a present.

And they probably expected more than a bottle. So far from OP they have had/ are getting:

Engagement present
Housewarming present
Wedding gift

These people are expecting gifts at every turn!

FinnRussell · 05/09/2023 07:18

I would reply, ' no, not from me! Know you don't drink alcohol!'

I would have taken something - chocolates or flowers but it's done now and you did offer a contribution to the buffet.

Poivresel · 05/09/2023 07:17

I would have taken flowers.
However I wouldn't be offended if a guest didn't bring me a gift when invited to a gathering.
I would just say
No, it wasn't from me. Thank you for the party it was lovely.

IfYouDontAsk · 05/09/2023 07:17

I would normally have taken flowers or chocolates for the party host, however you offered to bring a plate with you so I don’t think anyone could accuse you of being rude.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume her message was “where’s my gift?” Why not take it as face value, that she’s trying to figure out who brought the bottle so she can thank them?

TomWambsgansSwans · 05/09/2023 07:17

I seem to have read it differently to everyone else but I saw it as that she wanted to thank you if you had bought her a bottle. Surely if they are only having 20 people to their wedding then for most of the guests this party will be in lieu of a wedding reception?

Given that you've been friends for 25 years I wouldn't brush it under the carpet, I'd go back and say 'Not from us! Roll on the wedding, can't wait to celebrate with you.' Not everyone will have bought them an engagement present etc and I'm sure she'd let you off if you're otherwise generous.

Smartiepants79 · 05/09/2023 07:15

I wouldn’t have interpreted that message as : where’s my present.
After we got married I sat down and opened our gifts, I made a note of who had given us what so that I could write to them all and thank them. We had two gifts with no labels on and maybe three or four friends who didn’t seem to have given a present. I sent them all the same message in an attempts to track down who had sent them.
I was not being grabby or demanding gifts from those who had chosen not to but I needed to know what was what or someone was going to think we were rude for not saying thank you!
I would not have taken alcohol to the home of people who don’t drink. It is perhaps nice to take some chocolates or flowers for a host at a dinner party but I would never think twice about a friend who hadn’t bought me anything!

Maddy70 · 05/09/2023 07:15

I epuld have taken something to drink. That's the normal. But not a present

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:14

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 05/09/2023 07:12

Don't send that message - "I will have a lovely present for you"?! That just sounds like desperate sucking up to her.

I wouldn't go empty handed to someone's home in the circumstances you described - I'd have taken flowers or chocolates as they don't drink, but there's no rule that says you have to.

Show quote history

It’s the couple who sound desperate for a present.

Heading her off by saying she will get a wedding present is a way to close this off quickly.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 05/09/2023 07:12

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:02

YANBU. She sounds very grabby and cheap, for the sake of a bottle of plonk.

I would message back ‘Hi, lovely party, thanks for having me. That wasn’t from me. Did everyone bring a bottle? I feel bad now. I know you guys don’t drink so I didn’t bring one! I will have a lovely wedding gift for you xx’

Don't send that message - "I will have a lovely present for you"?! That just sounds like desperate sucking up to her.

I wouldn't go empty handed to someone's home in the circumstances you described - I'd have taken flowers or chocolates as they don't drink, but there's no rule that says you have to.

Jaemoon · 05/09/2023 07:12

Whilst I agree for a normal party I would have taken some chocolates or flowers, the couple received engagement presents and will also get wedding gifts.

I think it’s a bit cheeky to expect a gift for every function of your wedding.

I’m Asian, we have 3 day weddings. I wouldn’t expect a gift every day! Just a gift on the actual wedding day.