Is this the worst idea?

I am recently separated and have 2 kiddos, when we split DS was 2 and DD 5. Things were rocky and we thought we had fixed things with counselling and were in a better place and so decided to have another child. He then had an affair and became increasingly difficult.

I adore my two and they get on well but my life would be much easier if I only had one. If they are different genders you need separate bedrooms and so mortgage or rent is more in the longer term. Their needs are quite different and it’s hard to entertain the little one during the older ones activities, or drag him home for 20/30 mins only to leave to get her. The older one is always waiting her turn as little one demands a lot of attention. They are wonderful but 2 on your own is hard - even things like friends birthday parties, parents evenings etc. If you think you can be amicable then it would be easier but it can be really hard with 2 small ones.

He's agreed to what, exactly?

Just to flip the perspective a minute...why would you expect him to play fair in a divorce when you're actively planning to land him with child support payments and (presumably) partial custody for another 18 years?

Do you not think he might have a bit of a problem with how shady that is?

I was a single parent when ex husband upped and left when baby was a few months old.
You have no idea how difficult it is to be a single parent and trying to build positive relationships for your child. Many many many times I used to be grateful I only had one child to consider. I still stand by this it was very tough.

I'm going to go against the grain here. The situation (whichever way it goes) is not going to be ideal - obviously.

You want another child, a sibling for your toddler. I understand this. I had a lot of trouble conceiving my second child, and my sadness was for my existing child, not for myself - I really wanted them to have a sibling and not be alone. I do get that aspect of what you're saying. Also at 35, it would cause lots of turmoil for you and your child were you to start actively searching for another life-partner in time to have a second child with him.

You think that your marriage is over, but clearly your partner isn't the worst - not violent or abusive - you've just grown apart, the spark has gone and there's low-level resentment on both sides. As far as I can understand from your post, he's not a bad father. But if you did both agree to have another child either before or after you amicably split, as far as I can see, this would result in a much less complicated situation with both children having the same father (and extended family) than if you started another relationship just with the view to having another child.

I know this will seem shocking to some, but if your priority is to have a sibling for your child and you think you could continue to have a good working relationship (for co-parenting) with your husband/soon to be ex-husband, then I think it would be the lesser of two difficult scenarios.

No, don't be so selfish. Think about the child you have and provide the best life you can for them - by leaving your partner.

I'd say don't do it but mainly because you can't afford to.

If you split it's much more expensive with another child in the mix and you without any kind of job. If you do split it's better to have a job than another baby - you won't have any extra time to look for a job doing the same things as now but plus an extra child.

I honestly think it's a better idea than having a baby with donor sperm. Because then the youngest sibling wouldn't have a dad and your older one would, and that seems more unfair and selfish to me.

My friend did something similar.

The difference is that her first child was much older (6) and already used to the 'setup'. Which is, parents co-habit in a beautiful home and get along as companions. They each have their own bedroom and this is all their children have known.

They do things as a family still like holidays, trips out etc, and are friends. It's not a very conventional set up and I don't know if it would be for me, but it works for them.

If you and you husband are in agreement on this (conceiving, and then splitting up), why are you asking anyone else?

Horrible and selfish idea.

I am in the same position as you (one three year old, garbage relationship that turned garbage after DC, really wanted two) but honestly think that it's a terrible idea. I've stopped at one rather than potentially bring another child into a shit situation.

I think it's pretty obvious that bringing a baby in to this situation would be a really shitty thing to do, sorry but if you know you're probably going to divorce then why do it?

Would he go to counselling?

In your shoes I'd do it.

Step parenting is not for me, nor would arranging contact with more than one man for dc be. I've seen too many messy examples of both. So, had dh and I split up at any point, I'd not have had further dc with anyone else.

With that knowledge, yes I'd have stayed with dh and had another if I only had one dc.

Apparently an unpopular position though given previous responses!

Dealing with the awareness of the ticking clock is always hard and you have my sympathy for that.

And it's not wrong to think about what you yourself want and whether it's possible. Your issue here is going to be considering the impact on your DH and existing child too and whether it would actually possible to have an amicable outcome. Only you know the answer to that.

I think I read that you discussed this with DH and he agrees - that changes the equation especially If you think the two of you could co-parent amicably and you have a career you can return to and earn your own money and have family support.

I can see the pull to give your existing child a sibling is a strong one. You can't predict their future relationship but if it is your goal that they should have a good relationship, in my experience whether siblings like each other has a lot to do with how their parents treat them and how they are brought up - so that would be something to consider.

It is a difficult one, but be really sure before you embark.

I think you are under-estimating the impact of having a second child. There is no guarantee your children will get on well together. Having one child as a single parent is hard, having two does make a significant difference. I wouldn't recommend it.

No I do not think you should have another child. You are thinking only of what you want.

I think from your update you just need to make your own decision then and not come to a forum asking for opinions. Every experience is different some people do find divorce traumatic you didn’t. Some people hate their siblings you don’t. No one can make the decision for you. To me the situation sounds less than ideal and to put your own desires over the well-being of the child you had is less than ideal. But you don’t see it that way which is fair enough as it’s your life

Going against the grain... If you both want to be the parents of two children, not one, and you're going into it with your eyes open, then personally I don't think it's the worst idea in the world (which is what you asked).

Yes, you're not dealing your child the absolutely best cards in life (a stable home, two parents who love each other etc.) but life is not always straightforward and there are many people who go ahead and have children in less than ideal circumstances.

The finances would be what I'd look at. How will you make it work financially and provide both your DC with a decent quality of life?

To put it in context, if you were a single woman of, say, 38-40, debating whether or not to have a child/children alone, and you could afford it, people would definitely tell you that it's your choice whether or not to go for it. There would be much less judgement.

And people are funny about siblings on MN. There are pros and cons to having siblings, just as there are pros and cons to being an only child, and you can't guarantee a harmonious sibling relationship, but generally I think most people I know would say that their siblings add (or at least added, growing up) something to their lives.

Be absolutely certain you can manage this financially, especially if DH decides to pay less than you expect.

And then, yeah - with informed consent from DH I don't think it's such a bad idea.

It's not ideal is it?

I mean how are you going to manage (financially as well as emotionally and practically) if your DH doesn't play fair.

Will he even agree to this?

Yes, lots of people end up in this situation [I am on my own with 3 DC] but very few people choose it. It's fucking hard.

Realistically at 35 and not rich, this is the only way you’re going to have another dc.

but it also ties you more to your husband, and makes life single harder and more expensive.

if your dc is a toddler, you’ve only got a couple of years to school meaning cheaper childcare, more time, less intense parenting. The stage it’s easier to retrain/restart career. A second child knocks you back longer before you are able to be financially independent.

You and your husband would possibly benefit from counselling.

You want some advice: don’t do it. Your reasons do not add up and just sound justification for your selfishness of ‘wanting another’. What you want is your husband to fund another and leave you be. Why on earth would any man agree to this. There is nothing wrong with having an only child and the argument that he/she needs a sibling always sound flat to me. There is no guarantee they will be close or even like each other.