ADHD in women

I've not read the full thread (cos, ADHD, lol!) but just came in to say if you can't afford a private assessment to look at the right to choose pathway if nobody has mentioned this already.

Your OP is very typical of ADHD, I got diagnosed recently myself and have all of those plus many more!

There are also some good 'adult adhd in women' books on Amazon I've found helpful, if you can get in the headspace to focus on them.

Thank you Misty and Nonplus

I have actually left the gym after starting a workout and so has a family member who is having issues. He calls it "noping out" i.e. "I just noped".

so I am now very careful what I start as the likelihood of not finishing it is so high. It's not just the gym where I'll do that.

I need to work on resilience as well.

when I did have a few days of Modafinil the difference was amazing but as it's a narcolepsy drug and I have insomnia, it probably wasn't a long term solution - though I increasingly hear stories of insomniacs sleeping better on it.

@EmmaEmerald interesting how different we can be.
ADDitude.com has a great selection of short articles.

I don't mean lower your expectations for what you can achieve in life, I mean what you can get done short term.

We (everyone but esp ADHD) massively overestimate what we can achieve in day, week, month, year, and underestimate what we can achieve in a lifetime.

Another thing I have found is that if you can push yourself to do the thing you don't want to do, the rewards are massive (I mean dopamine hit). It's like I don't want to the gym or a walk one day, I mean really not feeling it, but I go and it turns out I get loads done, feel way better than I thought I would etc.

I know the doing it hard, it is literally almost physically painful to start if you have ADHD, I know. That's where diet is SO important i.e. plenty of protein and carb. If I can get started on something after a good balanced meal of protein, fat and carb my focus is better.

It's definitely not an overnight improvement, it has taken me 3-6 months of having my nutrition dialled in and an exercise routine to feel like I am moderately coping and of course I have bad days too, it is a lot of effort just to stay afloat.

Support wise, you can get work based coaching from Access to Work for free (or used to be able to) - they came to my house and did an assessment and recommended strategy coaching. They can also recommend adjustments like a dictation software. I think your employer has to fund them but can claim it back.

I was going to say this... sort of. I was diagnosed aged 41. I chose not to take medication due to my heart.
However i do utilise a lot of adhd workbooks and guidance and im kinder to myself.
Aside from work adjustments there may not be much change after dianosis... no extra benefits or major support.
My advice would be if you feel like this, to get stuck out the rut act as if you have the diagnosis, take the supplements, adapt your diet and learn coping mechanisms. If these improve... fab, you didnt need the stress of diagnosis unless you want medication.

Misty thanks for replying.

"Strategy wise, numero uno is lower your expectations for yourself,"

this is the one that I struggle with. I've already failed in so many ways. Clearly there are people with ADHD who have made a big success of themselves, I wonder how they did that.

I think lowering expectations in my 30s was a big mistake but I didn't know about ADHD meds back then. Is there any element of "spiky profile" in ADHD? I suspect there might be benefits in meds for those of us who don't quite fit the profile.

Strategy wise, numero uno is lower your expectations for yourself, simplify, hone in on doing less.

Do less but do it well. Hone in on the basics. Stick to an exercise routine. Automate as much as possible in all areas of your life.

Get a weekly calendar and colour in chunks of time for when you do stuff. Set reminders for stuff when you know you will have space to do them.

Try not to rely on hyperfocus as ultimately it is exhausting....to get out of the trap you have to start things ahead of time though.

This threw me completely 😂
I can't multi task. I can listen to familiar music while cleaning but that's about it. I can't walk and listen to a companion talking, no way could I listen to a podcast.

articles are better for me, or bullet pointed lists.

but do the suggestions for self help just end up adding to your to do list?

one reason I haven't investigated this properly is that investigating it is incredibly frustrating. I will see if the library has any books as they are quite pricey and if they end up saying "make lists" or "your brain isn't broken" it's not much help.

@EmmaEmerald try speeding up podcasts and videos and/or chewing gum or doing something mindless or going for a run. It helps concentration if you have distractions running on a couple of modalities.

I flunked my a levels. Didn’t go to uni. Managed 2/3 of a degree as an adult by the skin of my teeth.

everything is by the skin of my teeth. I put on a great show but things others find easy are beyond me. My house is a shit tip. I am late for everything. Can never find anything. Have just finished the 200 tins of baked beans because i
panicked about Brexit. We have 4 fridge freezers but rarely anything to eat. I work till midnight several days a week because I can’t get stuff done in the day. Has my first house repossessed.

im very very good at sims things and utterly shit with other things.

I’ve had over ten years of therapy trying to fix myself and since my diagnosis I find myself thinking “ahh adhd!” to every conceivable “why do I do this?” question. The relief and self compassion is invaluable.

Titration has been a struggle and unsuccessful so far which is very disappointing but the more I learn about how my brain works and work with it, the more manageable things are.

There are still terrible days. I thought I was doing fine when I was younger but I had no idea how much harder I was pedalling to keep up. I just thought everyone had hundreds of hacks to stay organised, remember things and keep on keeping on.

I have a very tenuous grasp on my diagnosis because the belief that I’m stupid and lazy and broken is so entrenched. And I feel like I’m appropriating something that rightfully belongs to people struggling more. The post by @Willyoujustbequiet hits so hard because I do feel like a fraud. My childhood and school days don’t fit the stereotype. I’m cautious about sharing in case my friends judge me. As much as I’m famously klutzy and scattered, my struggles are largely invisible because I’ve masked and mirrored and hidden the shame, self loathing and suicidal ideation. I’ve lost friends by losing contact during breakdowns. I have health issues brought on by chronic stress. But because I thrived in school, and graduated with a first, the assumption is that I’m a sad perimenopausal woman jumping on a tiktok trend.

@Sporkle99 there’s lots you can do while waiting for a diagnosis. Come over to the neurodivergent threads for a start!

I hope it's all right to ask here
I'm a slightly possible ADHD person - unlikely when I recall childhood but not sure.

people have repeatedly mentioned coping mechanisms on all threads on this, but what are they? Whenever I google I get stuff that could apply to anyone.

i'm currently being treated for a nervous breakdown so no extra meds for me at the mo.

a couple of posters have mentioned being very successful and okay, you forgot your toothbrush - but I look in awe at women like you and think, could I have done that, is it lack of suitability or would ADHD meds have helped?

I have completely failed to live up to the potential I had at school. I know one of the key criteria is that you must have had it as a child, but I don't know if I can say for sure if I did or didn't. And a school, and childhood, is such a different planet to adulthood and paying bills.

confession - I have tried modafinil to help with work and it was great but I had it from someone at work. Just used it a few times and was amazed. I don't think it's prescribed for ADHD but doesn't it work in a similar way?

I struggle with podcasts and videos, but if anyone has a list of/ link to list of what helps them, I'd be interested to read it. I tried a product called Brainzyme, it helped for three days and then made me feel ill.

Yes to all the above, apart from the money, I'm good with that , tbh I find life just overwhelming.

Re. Diagnosis being worth it, it has positively changed my relationship with my husband, my own feelings towards myself and oddly I have been able to let go of so many things from the past that I felt were causing me issues now- I know it wasn’t those things but the ADHD. My undiagnosed ADHD was very much negatively affecting my life hence the diagnosis.

I’ve chosen to take medication and it’s very helpful for me but not without side effects. I don’t think I’ll be in it forever but for now while my life is very hectic it helps me manage.

I have ADHD and relate to all of your original points when unmedicated.

I went privately for my diagnosis as I’m too impatient to wait 5 years and my life was a mess (I began studying again which pushed me over the edge).

One big factor for diagnosis is that symptoms have been around since childhood e.g. while I wasn’t your typical ADHD child I struggled to stick to anything, lacked in focus, underachieved academically but still did ok but should have done better, dropped out of 6th form, took recreational drugs, got arrested, made stupid decisions all by the age of 18 🥴. If you can talk yo relatives or friends who knew you then that can really help to bolster a diagnosis.

I’m up to number 16 and my head is buzzing with opportunities.

This is an excellent podcast, start from the beginning!!

I’m pretty sure I have it. I have very poor impulse control, find it impossible to listen without getting very twitchy, interrupting, having to get up and walk around. I’ve walked out of so many things because I can’t sit still for long. Lots of other things too. Just the realisation that I may have it had massively let me off the hook vis a vis giving myself a hard time after every interaction with other people. I don’t know if I will go for a diagnosis at this point.

I’m 200 miles from home, away for 2 nights as per most weeks and I have forgotten my toothbrush for the 18th time this year? I forgot to charge mine last night, so put it to charge this morning and then forgot to pack it. <sigh>

My psych said only 70% of whatever improvement is possible can come from medication.

it won’t resolve procrastination or being late or losing things or talking too much or talking over others. It can help with focus, but taking away many of the other conversations going on in your head and reducing the demand for novelty (dopamine).

my daughter says she has to concentrate to concentrate which absolutely drains her batteries at school. For me I have to organise myself to organise myself. It’s exhausting - I have a high powered job where I can literally be in any part of the country at any time, and have a team of 20+ people I’m responsible for. If meds switch off even some of the noise and distractability it will make huge difference to me.

im doing all of the non-meds things I can already - it’s just not enough.

Just looking at the synopsis of that book is making me anxious.

That’s the one. I have a 7 hour drive today so plowing through them!

Everything you (and everyone else has said) sounds exactly like me.
I was diagnosed a year ago in my mid thirties after struggling with work/studying/time-keeping/organization/impulse control/procrastination etc. I was finally diagnosed after I moved abroad and had private health insurance (I had seen GPs/psychiatrists in the UK for anxiety and depression and it hadn’t been picked up, so just because other professionals haven’t noticed doesn’t mean that you don’t have it. It often takes a specialist specifically looking for it to pick it up. In hindsight the stress/anxiety/depression was strongly linked to the challenges and failures I’d had due to ADHD).

I can also be very over sensitive and become very overwhelmed by noise/demands/over-stimulation (parenting babies and toddlers has been a huge challenge).

Some people do present differently. My symptoms are massively around attention deficit issues and I have fewer obvious hyperactivity symptoms (e.g. I’d fiddle with my pen, doodle and daydream at school rather than the classic ‘naughty boy’ shouting out and running about).

I also developed enough coping mechanisms do do reasonably well academically for a long time so no-one really picked it up (I still haven’t told my mum because I know she’ll be dismissive). However I basically had a breakdown in my early twenties when university and work was more intense/required more consistent work (rather than just cramming the night before an exam/deadline).

I can’t take medication (it triggers severe migraines). But having a diagnosis has helped me to understand the condition and have a bit more compassion for myself. There are loads of great resources for developing healthier coping strategies (some mentioned by other people here). If you can’t access diagnosis or medication then it might still be beneficial to try these. I found a lot of them really helpful even without drugs (it also helped me to challenge some of my less helpful/healthy coping mechanisms which had become fairly ingrained).

Sounds exactly like me, I mentioned it to my GP as my son is ND and he basically made it sound as though a diagnosis is pointless so not sure whether to pursue one. I've had problems with anxiety, low mood, alcohol, organisation, money, all going back years and years.

I'm 99% sure I have ADHD and since reading up & learning about it (although I just can't focus on a book about ADHD 😂). I tick almost all of your boxes OP.

I personally don't need a formal diagnosis at this time. Just knowing there's a reason why I am how I am is a massive relief.

Turns out I'm not useless and scatterbrained and intentionally awkward. I'm just wired in a slightly hectic way.

I have been able to put strategies in place to recognise my own behaviours, deal better & prioritise the things I must do.

I've learned my hyperfocus can be a gift at work, and that sometimes I need to recognise my more erratic behaviours, take some time & reset.

I appreciate others do need that reassurance & adjustments at work etc. but I don't think a £450 diagnosis is essential for all adults, sometimes we can self-help.