Dh a bit socially quiet & awkward

Exactly!
No one lives just like we would when we are single once we are partnered up.
Marriage is a choice and once married one commits and is proud to take our partner's feelings into account.

Our partner should not feel like they are pulling teeth to not have to attend some events alone - like large family gatherings, places where it is preferable to have two parents looking after the kids and to special events where your partner would adore your company. We all suck it up and cope for the sake of healthy compromise. We don't hold grudges about having to compromise; it's normal.

How can I help my dh to feel more included & confident instead of always on the edge,

Does he want to be included and feel more confident?

I'm an introvert. A party full of people I don't know / have only met once is not my idea of a fun time. I also dont want/need anyone to "help" me enjoy these things more. I don't enjoy it at all, I'd rather stay at home and knit. I'd leave him be, he probably went for your sake (which is actually kind of sweet of him in my opinion)

If my DH suggested I go and join a group of women chatting at a BBQ then I would feel very patronised and frankly a bit pissed off. Your DH is an adult that is perfectly capable of socialising how he likes.

I also wouldn't socialise with people that often split into male and female groups. It's odd and depressing.

@EmmaEmerald His wife used to set him up with these play dates with the hope that he would make some friends but he ended up drinking alot as he felt so awkward.
Some people just don't like being made to go out and socialise. Potentially his wife forcing the issue may have effected his confidence even more.

Remind him that it's not always about him and that you are allowed to enjoy going out with your husband.

And he should also be allowed to opt out occasionally. They don't always have to be joint at the hip.

Do you mean it's linked, like he used alcohol to socialise?

I had a friend like this who set up some play-dates for her husband (who had no friends) - I think he just turned into a massive alcoholic.

This. If he’s not happy with the situation then it’s up to him to change it, not sit there passively. Or if he is happy to be on his own/the wives then he needs to stop caring about how this looks to others.

Sounds shit anyway if the men and women segregated themselves.

You love him for who he is, surely? People aren't that quick to judge, if one partner of a couple is quieter and more reserved that's normally seen as a 'balance'

Remind him that it's not always about him and that you are allowed to enjoy going out with your husband.
He could go to please you, happily and of his own choice.
He will either be alone at home or feeling alone at the function so he might as well make your day. He could accompany you and try to observe and value just studying people.
Wallowing in self pity is not attractive.

Just enjoy yourself and let your DH be himself.

The best thing you can do is learn that not everyone thinks the same as you, enjoys the same things as you or sees the world the same as you.

This is the life of an introvert, it's nothing new and it's likely been same since was younger. I'm introverted and I can speak to anyone but I'm not like other men. I don't drink, I don't like sports or football and often get on with women more.

As he said, there is no point and that's what you need to understand. Majority of the time if you don't align to other men or male groups, you don't exist, you are not compatible. It's pointless trying to force it or pretend, the decision has been made off the first interaction I find.

I for one couldn't give two flying fucks if I'm part of a male social group. I'd rather sit in silence on my own than pretend to appease others and try to fit in.

Yes, it sounds unbelievably depressing, and of course turns into some of the demented assumptions of threads on here about opposite-sec friendships.

OP, ultimately, your husband is who he is. If he doesn’t want to attend these events, presumably he can stay at home? If he were a child, you could model social behaviours and suggest approaches, but it would be pretty infantilising, unless he’s actually asking you for help.

I'm you husband in this situation, and I'd say leave him be.

I'm not great in big group situations so don't tend to do them. I go the occasional big event or family gathering because it's important to DP, but I'm unlikely to be the life and soul of the party, I'll likely just be sat there listening to the conversation, might get a few sentences in over a few hours. I'm not antisocial, I just literally can't think of a response quick enough to say it before someone else has already responded. Get a few drinks in me and I'll get chatty, but the distance between that and drunken arse is too narrow so I don't risk it.

If you want your husband to feel comfortable with these people, then invite just one couple out with the pair of you at a time, let him get to know them in a much smaller group, that way even if he's not talking at the bigger stuff, then he'll at least know the people and be more comfortable.

But it's likely that he cares about this far less than you do. Some men are just the quiet type, and we're often fine with it.

My dh is similar he has a few friends from childhood who he sees a couple times a year but no other social life. I tend to see my friends separately. But at events like weddings il dance , catch up with everyone and he will make a bit of small talk when not with me. I assume he has less fun than me.

I use to worry now I leave him to it. He knows everyone well enough

Poor bloke. You know he struggles in group social situations yet you keep trying to push him into situations in which you know he will be uncomfortable. You criticise others for being ‘thoughtless’, yet you are just as bad because you want to ‘enjoy a social life’. Perhaps look at yourself rather than trying to change him?

Would be noisy if everyone was an extrovert. I'm sure most of us appreciate quieter companions.

Maybe you could host at some point? Then he would naturally interact , offering drinks, etc, but would also have things to keep him busy. So he could break the ice without total immersion

(This worked for me at the PTA: I was always behind a stall, pouring Pimms or whatever. I got to know everyone, without having to be one to one and desperately digging for conversation)

At parties with primarily friends of DH I’m similar to your DH as I find myself hanging out with DH & the blokes as I find the conversation with them easier e.g. not deep conversations so just joking around 😆The women are all lovely but not particularly like me so haven’t become deeper friendships. When I’m with my own female friends i find conversation far easier & tend to see them in smaller groupings than big parties anyway. So I suggest you let DH do whatever he feels comfortable with in larger social situations & if that’s sitting with you and the women so be it (it doesn’t make him a weirdo.) I agree arriving earlier is a good idea as it can be overwhelming to walk into what feels like established groups. I also wouldn’t advocate getting wrecked but a G&T for Dutch courage before you go out may make him feel a bit more confident.

I'd say that busy parties are not the place for an introvert to be.
After a few open questions leading to weird dead-ends I ain't trying again. When I'm out and about, I'm there to talk, laugh, talk, have a drink, talk, meet new interesting people, talk some more. I feel that trying to "socialise" someone, ultimately takes away from my enjoyment - it's quite tedious.

Some of my closest friends are introverts but we meet just the pair of us. Anything else is a disappointment for both.

he just finds it hard.

Lots of people find it hard - it's just something you have to force yourself to do if you want people to include you, unfortunately.