How much do you hide the truth/lie?

I wonder if some is seen as politeness:
A) oh, what are you doing tomorrow morning? Something nice I hope
B) No, not really that nice..
A) Sorry to hear that, what is it?
B) Its private!
A) <immediately feels really awkward, then annoyed because he feels uncomfortable, but still cant help being intrigued>
or
B) Just the dentist
A) <puts conversation into the boring-stuff-at-work box in his head and moves on>

I really hope that this thread is not indicative of real life. But I fear it is and probably explains why I still find it difficult sometimes to engage with English people after 20 years of living here.

I just don't get it. I mean, half the lies people talk about on here are so unnecessary - why on earth would people look down on you if you aren't working etc? And the other half are unnecessary - don't want to say why you have a private appointment in the diary just say, "that's a private appointment".

In my working life I have often been frustrated by feeling like people don't believe me when I say something and this thread explains that a lot.

Being tactful, changing the subject, omitting certain information is one thing but actual lying is so unnecessary.

I see giving out information in two categories: none of your business, or directly impacts your life. If it’s none of your business it’s not morally wrong to keep that info from you, as you have no right to it. But if it does affect you, then yeah holding back the truth is wrong, and definitely a lie. But also, if it does involve someone I’m intimate with, or in a close relationship, a lie is more an act of betrayal. Pretty much anyone I’m not close to goes into the ‘none of your business’ category.

Gosh, it's very difficult at times. Sometimes a little white lie would make everything so much easier in the short term, and I do feel tempted! But to actually say something that wasn't true would feel very alien and wrong to me now. I think lying actually robs people of a lot of opportunities to face their reality and ultimately make their lives better. Some people say to me 'you're too honest for your own good' and I always think, no, I am honest for my own good! Trying to live a life in which I would happily answer any questions about my conduct, truthfully, brings a lot of blessings. I would be happy if I was remembered for being an honest, upstanding and trustworthy person. When you lie, you create a false life and can't properly enjoy the one you have.

That's inspiring, @Darkdiamond

I'm a Christian so I never lie. Well, I say never! Sometimes if I'm on the spot and have been asked a tricky question, I have been known to blurt out a white lie before I've had a chance to stop myself. But I would never deliberately tell a lie, including a white lie. I am very diplomatic and I can speak the truth in love, as Scripture says.

Aside from the fact the lying goes against God and I don't want to do it, it's my pet peeve. I have someone in my life who lies about everything. I always end up catching her out somehow. I never challenge her on it but I don't believe anything she tells me now.

Lying is a cowardly act, generally. I am NOT a 'I tell it like it is' kind of person but I do like to examine why I feel tempted to lie about something.

Is it to save someones feelings? Well ifbtheyre asking me, they probably want the truth and I can answer kindly.

Is it to sound more interesting/cool/intelligent etc? In thay case, I need to work on not caluing the opinion of others so much, and also use it as a motivation to make what I want to lie about a reality.

Is it because id be in trouble if I tell the truth? If I've done something wrong, I need to face it, own up to it and start repauring rhe situation asap.

I do have certain areas of my life that I'm very sensitive about and would rather people didn't know (things from my past). Deflecting a question or having a vague answer can be effective ways of not having to explicitly tell the truth without lying. It's also OK to tell people that a matter is private.

The only exception I can see, is when someone's life is in danger and they need to conceal the truth to stay alive or manage in an abusive relationship. I'm sure there are other extreme exceptions, but 99% of the time I aim to stay truthful but always kindly.

Being forced to live a truthful life changes your character. Since I started doing this, I've become less likely to do things which require a lie in the first place and I've had to face some unpleasant prideful, competitive aspects of my nature which made me prone to exaggeration in the past.

I hid behind alcohol when I drank, and when I stopped drinking, I had to develop my character in the absence of my safety net. I feel the same with lying.

@GarlicGrace well done.

OP, I don't give a damn what someone thinks about my employment situation. I've been stuck on a pension as my mother's carer for six years, and the only time anyone's opinion will matter is if I have to start job hunting again. Why should you, or anyone, lie to appease snobs? That sounds like what you've done. Granted you're in a village, so the dynamics are different from what I've ever known (suburbs of major Australian cities, mostly) but there's nothing I feel the need to lie about.

I am pathologically honest. And it does me no favours sometimes. I don't mean I'm one of those awful insensitive people who is horrible in the name of 'telling it like it is' I mean I'm the type of person who would tell my deepest feelings to a total stranger on a bus.
I can't seem to help it. Sadly caught in the trap of really wanting to be known.

There are lots of methods to avoid answering a question you don't want to,

^ That. Omitting info, deflecting, giving partial info, factual tangential observation, asking a question back, "complicated and no time to talk about it right now". So many ways...

I can't say I have never lied I don't think a human on the planet can say that, white lies, stretching the truth, some stories we tell children it is still lying

But generally no I don't lie, I don't see a need if I have an appointment I have an appointment I don't need to lie about it I don't care what people think of me

I tell a lot of 'social' white lies while also being very uncomfortable with what I think of as proper lies. We have three very young kids and I don't think I could make it work if we didn't. For example, kids had three tummy bugs in three weeks. I told work one of them was an ear infection. It just felt so implausible to say 'actually no, they are vomming again. On a Monday morning. New bug, same symptoms, miraculously developed over a weekend AGAIN'. Or when my husband asked about a scrape on my car. Yes, it did actually happen months ago when I have just miscornered very slightly against the railings in a ridiculously tight local car park and he had forgotten. But also, I may have done it again.

Lying when lies feel more plausible than the truth 😅

OK, I'm a bit of a blurter and wouldn't necessarily encourage anyone to be like me. But I'm really saddened by the number of PPs going out of their way to conceal personal information they consider 'shameful' somehow.

Yeah, if you spent the last five years in prison for ABH or are a secret agent, there's good reason to change your story and I'm sure you have it down to a fine art. But being afraid to share about illness or constrained finances? I think this prevents closer communication and hampers relationships.

Years ago, I was off work for months with a nervous breakdown. It was a viciously competitive, rather macho workplace and I did feel my problem was a 'weakness', largely because my managers said so. Colleagues, naturally, asked me what was going on and was I all better now. After fudging for a day or so, I thought fuck this, it's ridiculous. So I started telling people.

It was amazing. Loads of colleagues had either been through something similar or their friends/family had had breakdowns. More than half the department was on antidepressants, and several were also in counselling. It created a whole new level of friendship.

Hate lying or catching a person out as a lier one lie and I won't trust you again. I have bp disorder also and I'm not ashamed to say about it if it comes up which is very rare tbh

I don't tend to lie however I also wouldn't allow personal questions to be asked by those I wouldn't want to answer.

There are lots of methods to avoid answering a question you don't want to, it could be intentionally misinterpreting a question to bend it to where you want to be, or simply not answering by changing the subject or explaining you would rather not answer etc.

Honestly there are lots of ways to deflect a question ypu don't want to answer, look at politics it's constantly deployed!

At the start of the thread I was going to ask what sort of lies you are talking about, ad tact and diplomacy can be considered lies, or can be considered 'being nice'.
But I am quite concerned about why you would want to lie to the extent of all your examples in your post at 21:13

So no, I don't lie in that way, and find it quite odd that anyone does.
Work - why not just say "I'm not working at the moment" then ask something yourself, to shut down follow up questions.
Holiday - why not just say "I've not got anything booked" or "Can't afford the huge hike in prices since Covid" or "Haven't made any plans yet" ? Again, you can deflect by asking where they have been / are going.

I avoid telling an outright lie. I don't think I could square that with my morals, integrity? But I do hold my tongue a lot and try to rephrase things in a positive way at work. I am more direct with my own family.

Only about what birthday presents I have // haven't got for my partner😆
I'll say I've got something I haven't ... or say I haven't got something I have got.. just to catch him off guard a bit

I hide the truth about how sore and how miserable my skin condition makes me feel. If people ask why my hands are bandaged I just laugh it off as a boring skin condition but the truth is I hate it. I just put up a front that it doesn’t bother me but it does.

‘Have you just come from work?’

’No, not working today. Have you been busy here?’

They don’t need to know you’ve had the last (however long) off work if you don’t want to tell them but it’s not really necessary to lie.

I try not to lie, but sometimes I succumb. My mil takes pride in voicing her opinions "its not what I would have, its too xyz" which is definitely not a level of honesty I admire! Saying something genuine but positive is better - eg if asked "do you like my new kitchen" then an honest "those tiles are lovely!" is better than a dishonest "mmm, yes".

In some rural areas, jobs involve a commute big enough to make family life impossible - if it takes 2 hours each way. And childcare options are hugely limited. Local employment options are mostly minimum wage ones - local village shop, (if there is one), care work, or seasonal (if tourist area) so you get to work mostly in school holidays. So its not that unusual for more women to be SAHM even after they start school.

Where you live sounds extremely weird. It's awful that you feel you need to lie because working FT is seen as a badge of shame and poverty!

I can't get beyond the idea that someone (I'm assuming women?) of whatever age wouldn't work because someone else in the household 'earns enough'. It's a pretty odd attitude to life, economics etc. It's never occurred to me not to work FT, and DH's income is irrelevant to that. We live in an expensive city centre area surrounded by architects, senior lawyers and medics (all my immediate neighbours are consultants because of proximity to hospitals), and both halves of all those couples I know/know of work FT. There's a very successful music producer living down the road, and his wife has a high-profile job in arts administration.

Lying is definitely a habit! I have almost totally stopped lying since I left home, but I avoid questions all the time. That’s an art in itself, but dear god it is easier than tying yourself up in knots with fibs!
re the “what do you do” poser, I’d simply go with “I’ve done job A and most recently job B.” That’s the truth, and they will take from it that you’re doing job B without you actually saying that. Then quickly reflect back to their job. Any questions after that just compare and contrast jobs A and B. “Don’t you find B rewarding” for instance gets “it is, but A was easier to just leave at work! Bet [their job] is nice for that…?” Most people just want to chat about themselves - work with this! If they go into detail about “have you just finished work”, or “are you working tomorrow” just say “no, I’ve just come from knitting club/had a housework day/looking forward to x tomorrow” and flip onto them with “do you knit/don’t we all hate housework/do you ever take your kids to x?” and off you go! Any questions about your hours/schedule just laugh off with “oh, as little as possible, luckily I’m not too hectic at the moment, as I want time for [whatever currently going on] right now”.
En route to see Botox lady “I’m popping round to see Amy, met her through Bella, blather about Bella”? Or “apparently she’s doing really well with her treatment business, it’s so nice to catch up even though she’s really busy doing Botox treatments these days, that reminds me, can we call in this weekend?”. Keep asking questions until the conversation has moved into another line is my standard tactic when I don’t want to give out my business.
Even white lies like “yeah you look lovely” I try to avoid, tend to be tactfully honest and say “not flattering” “prefer the red jumper” “will that be warm enough?” etc.

Wow where do you live? A 1952 Amish village?

Anywhere where you are regarded as a "charity case" for having a job isn't somewhere I'd want to bring kids up tbh. It sounds awful.

You say close friends "know your situation" as if it's something you have to hide. You realise, right, that a majority of mums in the UK have to work? It's not your problem if people have ludicrously old-fashioned ideas and working to support your children is never a source of shame or embarrassment.