DH gone for three months and counting

This!!

I suppose I am afraid that if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.

I think you hit the nail on the head with your own comments here.
Im going against the majority, yes have a talk with hubby see if you can work some sort of rota out, but i feel he needs to do what he needs to do, how lovely hes such a caring kind son.
He is under such stress and im sure hes aware what you are going through, but he needs to do this, when my mum was seriously ill, i spent all my time with her, racing 2 hours up and down the motor way, my sister didnt and now mums passed she deeply regrets it.
Fingers crossed things change for you shortly.

They have discussed it but they are at an impasse.* The OP wants certainty, her DH can't provide that yet* I don't think getting angry/upset when someone is trying to talk to you in anyway constitutes a discussion. That's just shutting down a discussion you don't want to have.

As a previous poster said you have a right to ask about his exit stategy and he has an obligation to consider his exit strategy and communicate it to you. What if his exit strategy is to stay there as long as his dad is alive? Without knowing the limits of his plan you can't plan your own life.

He is shirking his responsbilities to you and his children under the guise of being the helping heroic son. I firmly believe that a person should prioritise their spouse above all others including parents. I assume that when my sons marry they will put their wives first before me and their dad. It won't mean that they don't love us or that we won't help each other but that they will put their wive's wishes ahead of ours in case of any conflicting responsbilities.

I would be very seriously evaluating my marriage before moving house and organising a rebuild in these circumstances when who knows when he might return.

Did you insist your DH organise a house move and a new build alone?

Did you leave your husband and kids for 3 months to be with your mum?

My Mum had a stroke, a large one in 2014. It left her disabled and unable to move properly, walk, feed/wash/clothe herself and communicate effectively. I was with her as much as i possibly could be, despite the fact i had 3 children and a husband at home. I don't regret any of it. She was vulnerable, scared, and needed my Dad and I with her. She was also victim of abuse in the rehabilitation centre the hospital discharged her to. Please understand he may just need to be there.

You said you need your husband here but then later you said that you would leave him to it and just handle things at home yourself. I'm wondering what changed. The things that made you feel, that you need your husband home, did those things change? Do you no longer have to move house? No longer have a new build? No longer have to get the kids back into school? No longer have a job?

I think it is very generous of your husband to go help his dad but he also has responsibilities to his wife and children. At what point has he stayed too long? You say that he doesn't want to hear you ask about an exit strategy. That strikes me as problematic. You're not some random off the street. He has obligations to you and to his children. You have a right to ask about his exit strategy, and he has an obligation to consider his exit strategy and communicate it to you, even if his exit strategy is "I will stay here as long as my dad is alive and you, wife, will have to order your priorities accordingly." Without knowing the limits of his plan (6 months? A year? Five years? Forever?) you yourself can't plan your own life. But instead he won't hear any discussion of an exit strategy, and will resent you if you ask.

When you said you needed him home; to me that sounded like you felt his stay has now crossed the line. But then you changed your opinion and I am wondering if your opinion really changed or if, rather, you realized that your husband will not come back until he wants to, no matter the effect on you, or that if you push him to come back, because of the burden his absence is placing on you, he will punish you by holding it against you.

I think you are moving the goalposts, in the sense that you thought that the house move/school start etc are a reason your dh needs to come home, but you've changed your mind. That might be ok. Or not. How do your children feel about this? Teenagers need their father too. Have you given your children an opportunity to speak freely, without punishment, about whether they need him?

They have discussed it but they are at an impasse.

The OP wants certainty, her DH can't provide that yet.

I see you’ve made you decision, but I just wanted to say that many stroke survivors find moving home very hard, even with paid care. They can regress, they can fall, they can get very depressed and frustrated. Your DP may feel even more obliged to help when his dad finally comes home. I think you do need to have a talk. He’s going to want to be there for his father; but his children need him too. This is going to be a long, ongoing situation and while it’s right to support him, he doesn’t have the right to just shut down important conversations that need to be had.

About role reversal and selfishness…

we sure so live in an entitled and disrespectful world!!

if dear partner was working abroad on assignment or the military etc dear partner would be commended. Dear partner’s FATHER is sick and people actually think it’s a bad thing that he is looking after his father??

Get your priorities straight. Help him figure out a solution. You can’t roll back time.

He can’t get angry with you when you ask questions that are pertinent to the next month, which starts tomorrow, THREE MONTHS into him leaving the family home, for what I assume wasn’t expected to be a trip of this length.
What he does need is a MASSIVE reality check, to adult up & make some hard choices right now!
1st thing he needs to do is come home to 1) see the children, 2) make sure everything is on track for the move you are making AS A FAMILY & 3) spend some time with you so that you can both decompress together & get a FAMILY plan in place for the foreseeable if he is going to have to stay with dad & SIL for much longer!!

His dad, SIL & carers will manage without him but right now he needs to come home & be your husband & a dad!!!

Of course he needs to come back! Basically he is making you pay the cost of him looking after his dad. He needs to consider other, more sensible, solutions and stop using (even unspoken) emotional blackmail.

Have you ever experienced looking after someone who has had a stroke? I'm thinking probably not going by what you've written, but most stroke sufferers don't go back to being their same old selves. My husband was not the same after having three strokes. His 'old' self would have hated being a burden to anyone, his 'new' self had absolutely no concept of the amount of energy, both physical and mental, that it took to look after him.

I suppose I am afraid that if anything were to happen to FiL after dh leaves he could resent me for a long time.

Is DH afraid that if he leaves his wife to deal with a house move/new build/teens/work single-handedly - you might resent him for a long time?

That could easily break a marriage.

Why would even frame his responsibilities and life choices as your responsibility? Does he normally blame you for his life circumstances?

True it’s all speculation really, I just didn’t think it was a fair one to make about the DH or the SIL, when they are both dealing with a family crisis. To allege bad relations of not trusting each other…just seemed off to me.

I don’t know if he’s out of their country? OP said a “two day drive away” so depending on where they are that could be the same country? Still it’s a significant distance away.

I’m not sure if he’s refusing to discuss plans on when to return or he just can’t know as OP says he gets distressed when she brings it up. Brain damage from strokes- the rehab isn’t very predictable linear healing and recovery like with a broken leg or other injury because the bits of the brain damaged are so variable and unique. Too, there might be mini-strokes undoing gains and every patient has a certain amount of post brain injury fatigue slowing things down. Perhaps a “when he goes home” is sufficient? As in a concrete rehab goal and then a best guess as to when the Drs think that might be.

I agree he’s left her holding down the fort on her own and that’s a tough spot to be in. I hope she can call in another family member to help her? Or even a close friend? Because I agree with you it gets too much, it did for me when my DH was gone six months and I had house sale, moving and so on..luckily my little brother flew down for a couple months and helped me with the physical packing, moving and unpacking. His work let him work remotely :)

Does he actually want to come home?

Sorry to ask but could he have met someone?

I mean either scenario could be true. It’s speculation given op has given so few details.

Dh has certainly left his wife to do everything in respect of his own home and children. He refuses to discuss (even sketchy) plans to return to the country.

I think op is in danger of reaching crisis point herself or making herself ill by not wanting to ask for her dh’s support with a house move, a major building project, parenting and working full time.

It feels off that she can’t even have that conversation with him.

It must be really tough OP. I can see you don't want say anything should the worse happen but surely the real work will start when FIL moves back home. Recovery from a stroke is a very long process and you will always feel worried about voicing your needs. But at the same time, if your DH was home his mind will be somewhere else which may actually be worse for you. I really feel for you.

I think it’s not a good point. To me, it means the DH and SIL are sharing the caring responsibilities for FIL during a crisis period which is only fair on SIL who is the usual primary carer for FIL.

How will we ever close the gender gap of women always been the ones doing the bulk unpaid caring of elderly family members if antiquated attitudes like this keep being perpetuated? We have here a son stepping up to share the load with his sister to care for their dad, and a reaction is “oh he doesn’t trust her to care for his father”

To me, it sounds like the old “what’s he doing, that should be her work, it’s womens work”

He needs wean himself away, maybe suggest he comes home for 1 week then goes back and gradually increase that ( for DH as much as FIL)

It sort of is with a stroke because the rehab isn’t a linear trend line? You’d think you could ask “when will he go home?” But the DH will not know with any surety when he will be ready.

A stroke also isn’t an illness.

I’m going to disagree with most & say I don’t think your DH is wrong. I know it’s tough for you op & sounds like a whole load on you & more to come. Do you have anyone else that could help you? & could someone take over DH for a few days for him to come home occasionally?

This won’t last forever, he’s not going to be in the half way house for longer than needed & next stop is home. It’s a small amount of time in yours & DH’s life & he will absolutely thank you for the support. Your FIL will too.

I was extremely close to my Grandad & I would’ve done for him what your DH is doing & I would totally be ok (& proud!) for my partner to do it.

Just wanted to add my support to you OP, I think you have made the right decision too. I have had a similar situation in my family where my DH was gone in another country for six months. It was necessary for him to be gone as well but so incredibly hard to do so I do sympathise. I did get my brother to fly down and give me an assist for a month as I was also doing a house sale, packing and moving by myself was too overwhelming so having him was a lifesaver- do you have anyone in your wider family you can call on? As FIL isn’t alone, nor should you be.

I also have experience with strokes and the brain injuries they cause and I can tell you that your DH’s presence is making a huge difference to FIL. A stroke patient falling into severe depression afterwards is so textbook, it’s almost expected. They lose a piece of themselves and they grieve it, so it’s essential to have family support by them right after the stroke during the critical months afterwards. It’s more than physical caring and helping them relearn self care, they really really need the support of family for their MH.

And it sounds like your DH needs it for his MH because of what happened when he lost his DM.

Anyway, I think you’re amazing and you will get through it and be stronger for it.

Her brother doesn’t trust her to care for her father

Thats a good point. This whole situation feels unbalanced and the men’s feelings are prioritised. I’d be interested to know if this is a cultural norm?

Let’s also remember that at present the FIL is in a rehabilitation centre and his son is helping by visiting in the morning and evening- he’s not providing all care.