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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL babywearing

211 replies

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 16:28

MIL is coming tomorrow to pick up my DD (11 weeks) to her home to spend the day with her. It's the first time I will leave her with someone other than DP.

From the beginning I made it clear to MIL that as long as DD was a baby she wouldn't stay with anyone else, and she respected that. A few days ago she offered to take care of DD and hinted that my DP and I need a little rest and quality time for ourselves. She was right tbf, and precisely because she has kept her distance is what convinced me. I told her that she could have DD all day at her house but no sleeping there for now. Well, on the same day she decided to buy a crib, which I can understand, since it's better for DD to nap there than in a bed. But today she has also texted me saying that she has bought a baby carrier, without asking me if I agree to her using it. All this after telling me today to don't worry about express milk, that she has a bottle of formula at home when she knows that I exclusively BF. I have spoken to DP who agrees with me and will speak to her first. But I need you to tell me if AIBU, since my FTM brain won't let me think straight.

OP posts:
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Deafening · 14/01/2024 12:27

@Medinburgh you are a little late.

Medinburgh · 14/01/2024 11:37

I’m not sure you should be asking anyone for votes on AIBU poll. It seems like you are anxious about a lot of things, to the point of worrying about situations that haven’t happened and are very unlikely to happen. When my first baby was the same age I had an overdue conversation with my HV about anxiety and started working on reducing my stress levels and saying yes to help offered. I hope you manage to enjoy your day off without worrying too much. Take care

WongWifi · 01/09/2023 02:11

Tangledbaby · 29/08/2023 17:59

Mate, are you mad? Posting that you’re having ANY time away from your baby on MN gives you a guaranteed attack on your parenting.

You don’t have any time away from them. Unless of course it’s for work in which you must leave them in a nursery and it must be full time so you don’t become dependent on a man.

You’re right on target 😆

GalaApples · 30/08/2023 15:37

No way should an 11 week old baby need to go to her for a whole day. You are BF her ffs - so she should be with you most of the time. How did it ever get to a whole day with MIL? It doesn't sound as though she will keep to your boundaries, OP. Change your mind until she is older - you are allowed!

Macaroni46 · 30/08/2023 14:45

pictoosh · 29/08/2023 22:14

I am left wondering if I'm some sort of sociopath because I didn't worry about any of this stuff when mine were wee babies. I didn't think a whole day was far too long or worry about grandparents not being able to fall safely while wearing a carrier...ha ha. I was glad of a few hours of peace granted by people who were willing and more than capable of looking after a baby. I must be weird.

Eta: I will take the ensuing 'good for you' posts in good humour. It was good for me. Lovely as it goes.

Edited

I'm the same. Love my DC dearly but found BF a chore and could certainly never be called a 'mama bear'. In fact, the term makes me cringe 😂
My now adult DC are very well adjusted and lead fully independent lives, unlike a lot of their peers who seem over reliant on their parents well into their twenties. We have a great relationship.
Can't help thinking there's an awful lot of unnecessary angst linked to bringing up babies these days which in turn leads to anxious and dependent children.

Macaroni46 · 30/08/2023 14:41

iamwhatiam23 · 29/08/2023 23:36

All the absolutely batshit comments on here from completely overprotective mothers goes some way to explaining why we have so many children/teens diagnosed with anxiety these days 🙄.

Inclined to agree 😁

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2023 09:53

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 21:52

Sorry, why is she going there at 11 weeks old? So this woman can play mummies again? I’d cancel. She’s going to do her own thing and you’ll probably find that immensely stressful.

The baby is going because the OP and her DH want time together. As a GM the MIL wants to help. Around the world maternity leave has finished at this point.
OP my "mummy instincts" never went. I did childcare from six weeks and because my first GC had a bowel issue, we had to use a carrier until she could walk. Your baby is very young, so concerns are usual, but not completely valid.

Hadjab · 30/08/2023 09:44

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 17:55

Thank you all for your answers. Responding to some comments; my MIL is not that old, she is 48 and is very active, but It worries me that if she falls, she won't have the same reflexes that I can have as a mother. My DP helps me a lot with DD and I can have time for myself , lbut we've never spent time alone since DD is here. In the end I decided not to say anything about the carrier but DP will talk to her about the formula, we will also tell her that it better be a few hours and not the whole day!

🙄

RampantIvy · 30/08/2023 08:16

Where on earth did the idea that 48 is 'not that old' and the need to qualify that someone of that age is 'still quite active' come from?!

It's clear that the OP is very young if both her mum and MIL are only in their 40s, so maybe anyone over the age of 30 is "not that old" to her.

When I was 48 DD was only 7 Grin

ReviewingTheSituation · 30/08/2023 07:54

My hairdresser is 49 and has a 13/14 week old granddaughter (her son's daughter, so she is effectively the 'MIL' ). Since the baby was a few weeks old, she's been spending most of her day off with the baby and her (the baby's) mum, with a view to a day's childcare each week, starting a couple of weeks.

The notion of her having a fall is hilarious- she's fitter and stronger than most people in their 20s (runs 3hr marathons for fun and lifts weights at the gym).

Where on earth did the idea that 48 is 'not that old' and the need to qualify that someone of that age is 'still quite active' come from?!

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 00:16

Op you don't need to make up excuses why you are uncomfortable with mil having LO all day. Just say no 2 hours between feeds is long enough.

Reading all your comments inc concerns about Mil and sling, bottles and cribs really your inner mama bear doesn't want your baby away for a whole day and your trying to give rational reasons why Mil won't look after LO properly.

Some women find expressing easy but for most it's hard, really hard, time consuming PITA. Sitting on the couch trying to releave sore boobs with a pump so someone else can feed your baby is not exactly quality down time.

It's OK to draw the line at an hour or two.

Throwingpots · 30/08/2023 00:09

Can’t get rid of the image of all these grannies falling flat on their faces. I am one so I’d better tread carefully when holding grandson 😉

RampantIvy · 29/08/2023 23:45

I hardly think that not wanting to be apart from an EBF eleven week old baby is being overprotective @iamwhatiam23.

Did you have an EBF baby?

iamwhatiam23 · 29/08/2023 23:36

All the absolutely batshit comments on here from completely overprotective mothers goes some way to explaining why we have so many children/teens diagnosed with anxiety these days 🙄.

Flopsythebunny · 29/08/2023 23:10

Bloody hell! It's a good job some of the posters on this thread aren't living in America where mothers have to go back to work after a few weeks because of such short paid maternity leave .
I wouldn't be happy with the formula, but its always ok to have it in an emergency, but the rest is absolutely fine.
Grandmothers really cannot win can they? If they try to form a bond with their grandchildren they are accused of over stepping, if the back off and let the child's parents take the lead they are accused of not being interested enough

RampantIvy · 29/08/2023 22:56

Will your baby take a bottle?
Is your MIL up to date with the latest guidelines about sterilising and bottle feeding?
How will you cope all day without feeding your baby? You will have to express.

IMO elevn weeks is far too young for a BF baby to be away from you all day.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/08/2023 22:33

Their not there ffs

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/08/2023 22:33

I wouldn't have let anyone look after my baby on there own at 11weeks. The first time she was about 7 months and DH and I went to collect her cot that was in storage and my sil who is a nanny had her

SD1978 · 29/08/2023 22:30

Cot- safer to sleep in if the baby is there all day
Formula- no that's your choice
Baby carrier, don't see a problem.
It's it just a general overstepping that makes you uncomfortable? Maybe she's just really excited?

Winnipeggy · 29/08/2023 22:30

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 21:52

I love how easy it is on Mumsnet to twist a comment. If DP would like to use the baby carrier I would never object, but he prefers the stroller since adjusting it to size can be very annoying for both of us. And my fear for someone else using the carrier isn't just based on falling, I'm also worried about poor posture or suffocation. In any case, I will not oppose if the situation arises that DP wants to carry DD😂

To be fair it's not twisting a comment when you literally said 'I don't even want DP to wear baby carriers ffs' - that's just reacting to words. We're not mind readers.

Zanatdy · 29/08/2023 22:28

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 17:55

Thank you all for your answers. Responding to some comments; my MIL is not that old, she is 48 and is very active, but It worries me that if she falls, she won't have the same reflexes that I can have as a mother. My DP helps me a lot with DD and I can have time for myself , lbut we've never spent time alone since DD is here. In the end I decided not to say anything about the carrier but DP will talk to her about the formula, we will also tell her that it better be a few hours and not the whole day!

I’m 47, trust me people my age aren’t having falls!

pictoosh · 29/08/2023 22:24

I'm 48 in a fortnight. I know if I was wearing a carrier I'd just faceplant that baby to the floor.

Winnipeggy · 29/08/2023 22:24

I don't even want DP to wear baby carriers ffs

I adored my DH baby wearing our daughter, please don't deprive him of this, it's a lovely bonding experience. I think you're overthinking it.

Winnipeggy · 29/08/2023 22:20

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 17:55

Thank you all for your answers. Responding to some comments; my MIL is not that old, she is 48 and is very active, but It worries me that if she falls, she won't have the same reflexes that I can have as a mother. My DP helps me a lot with DD and I can have time for myself , lbut we've never spent time alone since DD is here. In the end I decided not to say anything about the carrier but DP will talk to her about the formula, we will also tell her that it better be a few hours and not the whole day!

Umm, I don't know too many 48 year olds falling over all the time, I think you might be overreacting on that front

Winnipeggy · 29/08/2023 22:16

I understand the formula issue obviously but I think the carrier is fine. Baby will let her know if not happy in there. Do you have a problem with them bonding?