Midlife crisis

Oof. This is all very familiar.

I had surgery a couple of years ago for something I really hated about myself. Subsequently lost a lot of weight. Got a new job.

All good.

Not so good - I also went completely batshit. Fell in love with someone else. Skirted round the edges of an affair, although I managed not to do anything I certainly had an emotional affair.

I have felt quite mad to be honest, and so recognise that feeling of wanting to burn down the life I've built for something else. But what else? I'm in my 40s with kids. This is it really tbh.

I have changed a lot and I'm not sure DH likes the me I am now as much as he likes the old familiar version. But you have to allow for people to change in a marriage that's decades-long. I haven't always dealt with it well though, and I've made choices and priorities I shouldn't have.

I don't know what to tell you; I feel I've fundamentally changed as a person and I can't go back. I don't know how it will play out really; mostly in my private and quiet dissatisfaction and feeling of being dislocated from my own life, while doing my best to pretend that everything is as great as it once was.

you need to set about changing the things you CAN change. e.g. health, exercise, start a business, learn a new skill. Something to focus on that will bring you pleasure and hope. Small steps daily towards a target.

I misread that as you starting sixth form!!!

Make time to do the things that make you happy

Big and small

I changed jobs at 49, two years ago. Dd just starting sixth form.

You need to find a way to look forward, OP.

You still have options. I'm unlikely to ever be a doctor, and that's ok. I'll stick to being an accountant. No need to hark back to earlier life..

45 onwards is a bit shit. Everything starts to fall off, or stop working.

Just wondering what 55 is going to be like.

I'm definitely feeling the midlife crisis. My twenties were so fun, I put minimum effort into minimum wage jobs, and threw all my effort into having fun and evading anything challenging. My thirties have been a grim long slog, endless responsibility, watching my mum's health decline, feeling my bad choices catch up with me. I'm trying to turn things around and make good for my kids, but it's so bloody hard, and I don't have any great faith that I'll enjoy life much if I do achieve a professional job. I know I'm relatively lucky, but I'm riddled with regret and all my optimism is faked for the benefit of others.

If you want surgery and can afford it and truly feel it will make you happier, by all means do it.

I'm reminded of your mention of your marriage not being satisfying, though, something you don't seem to want to talk about despite it being significant enough that you thought it might be at least part of the issue. I'm not saying you must leave, but if that's what's really creating this lack of fulfilment and regretful feeling, surgery won't help because it's a displacement from the real cause of your unhappiness. Are you perhaps worrying about your looks because subconsciously you are thinking of leaving (again, I'm not saying you should) and therefore worrying about attracting someone new?

@taktakboom Your last post sums it up for me really. It feels much like grief. That time and hope has gone! I’ll probably opt for surgery (neck & face) at some point but that would be like fixing holes in the roof I suppose.

Menopause can be a bit of a headfuck because it forces you to reconsider your world view. I have certainly come through it with more of a sense of who I truly am inside (well mostly, some days I feel a bit all at sea but so do we all) and not who the world wants me to be or thinks I am, iyswim.
You need to think of your looks as a record of the life you’ve lived, not just how attractive you are to the outside world. You are you, unique and only - celebrate it! It’s very liberating to chuck expectations out the window. (I don’t mean you have to look like a scarecrow - you do you).
Your body also is a gift - think of all the things it can do. Find a way to get out of your head and into your body. Look for sensations - cold water, grass under foot, soil in your hands if you garden, sweat if you exercise, smell if you cook… Your body is a marvel, a bit of cellulite or a few wrinkles are neither here nor there.
Or, try something drastic! Cut your hair, dye it, try a new wardrobe - nothing much is irreversible. Shake it up!

Don't think I've ever related to a post as much as this one!

@Tomoinson123 I agree with a lot of your post, particularly the fondness of a routine and how I’d be viewed by a Greek waiter! I’m sad about things that I wouldn’t want anymore and it’s a bit baffling.

The unexpected joy of early menopause (I'm 39) has me feeling a bit like this, OP. I'm usually a pragmatic but optimistic person, but I'm quite up and down emotionally atm. I'll be having a perfectly nice day and then suddenly feel very "what's the point" about things. Like you, there's a bit of guilt mixed in there because I have a very nice life so no reason to feel the way I'm feeling.

I keep finding myself thinking back to my late teens and early twenties. My life was a lot harder then, more chaotic, filled with lots of people coming and going but really lonely at times. My life now is infinitely more comfortable, more peaceful and I have the security and stability I so badly wanted back then, so it makes no sense that I've started feeling weirdly nostalgic for the highs and lows of that time.

I do think many of us spend our 20's and 30's striving, building, working towards the kind of life we've chosen for ourselves...studying, career, marraige, mortgage, kids (not necessarily in that order) etc etc and once we have the things we've been striving for it's like, what now? I am acutely aware of how fortunate I am to have lovely home, a happy marriage, two kids and a job i'm passionate about, but for some reason just lately that doesn't stop me fantasising about blowing it all up for the sheer hell of it and running away.

You're not wrong.

I've felt increasingly like this during my 40s and although I still love life at 45, the things I think about and that are concerns are nothing compared to when I was younger.

In some ways it's freeing as I care less about being attractive, (but am acutely aware of the aging process and hate it) and I love my early to bed early to rise routine and would really struggle to go on a night out. Nothing about that would be appealing to me.

And I'm much more cautious and I have an anxiety disorder anyway but that's been present for decades but there are things I definitely wouldn't have been anxious about when younger but am now.

It's an increasing awareness of time, ageing and mortality I think. I wouldn't be eyeing up a sexy young waiter in a Greek taverna anymore as that wouldn't appeal but also can feel a bit sad at the knowledge a sexy young waiter likely sees me as a middle aged woman who's the same age as his Mum and not someone he'd ever see as attractive.

There's something carefree and less self-conscious about being young. I do think about my age when I buy clothes for example. And the knowledge that today is probably the best I'm ever going to look as the physical ageing process is pretty inevitable.

And I'm reaching the stage where my parents who are only in their late 60s, are seeming more old and restricted in their activities and so I have to for the first time, think about them dying and what that means.

And I know there's loads of MNetters who'll say their parents in their 60s/70s and beyond are more active than them, running marathons or playing tennis every week. My parents are not. My parents seem very old in their late 60s and that does affect me and my thoughts about my life and the future.

I think this is normal, OP. Apparently there’s research that shows happiness in life has a U shaped curve with a dip in mid life and it climbs up again from there?

Lots of good advice here. You’ve got to have a dream, as the old song says, otherwise how you gonna have a dream come true? Start small, think of your dreams, make small ones come true, go from there.

This is a good book - Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman.

I remember feeling a bit like that when I was your age. But my forties have been the best decade of my life. I really feel like I am coming into my own. I was very sad about DC growing up, but actually having a teenager is brilliant fun and we have had some fantastic times. I have also spent a lot of time thinking about what gives me a sense of purpose and am now retraining.

My philosophy now is: if I was on my deathbed in five years' time, what would I wish I had done right now? I try to remember this, it helps me seize the day.

I found others similar experiences quite comforting. I’m still not sure what the answer is though and hope I can shake it off somehow.

Good luck!

Ooh NO, OP!

I came into my own at that age and have loved life ever since. I felt much more confident, didn't care about the things which used to hold me back when younger. I still had loads of energy and the children were a bit more independent.

It's a great time of life - one of the best. I did an MA and moved jobs and just had a brilliant time.

I get it. I'm 44. Mine has mostly to do with regret. When I was young I didn't care that I fucked up because life is still full of possibilities. Now I don't like parts of my life and can't fix all of it because I should have made different choices when younger. I wish that I could get a do over but with the knowledge that I have now. The only problem is that I would want to keep my daughter but not her father so that won't work either.

I'm muddling through at the moment and when DD goes to school I want to do a course and change my career. That I at least can do, even if I won't have a massive career anymore. And I'm going to find the money in the next 10 or 20 years to buy a small studio or flat near the sea so I can escape to my own place sometimes. I don't care how small or old it is, as long as it can be mine.

I am 45 and also feel like this at times. My DD has grown up and left, so sometimes I think that all I have ahead is years of the just the same existence plus all the bad things that come with age.

I have a little cry (why not!) and then say to myself that it’s like a good birthday, anticipation may be the best part and getting lovely gifts is exciting but now is time to play with them. And I start making the most with what I have now - cook something special, book a trip, watch a good film, make an effort with DP. Just start enjoying, savouring and improvising on what you have build around yourself all these years. Experiment in some way in the safety that you are loved and secure - with style, make up, food, travel and house décor choices.

........................... better than the alternative.

I feel very similar, had a good cry about this the other day. Compounded by the fact I still don’t know if I can have children so I’ve not even started that bit / future feels unsure.

I know all the people saying it can be good are true, but a thread the other week about someone in their fifties struggling to get a job even thought very qualified brought home to me that it’s harder when you’re younger.

How old are your children? I'm around the same age with teenagers and have decided to just take them on the adventures, going to Japan soon, and then we're going around Europe. I've started dragging my husband on Obstacle courses like Spartan and Tough Mudder. But I'm one of those people who constantly needs something to look forward too. Then at the same time I'm also having a bit of a midlife crisis where I'm not sure if I want another baby or not!