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Original poster

Feeling suffocated by mum

233 replies

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 21:42

Hi all, hope you’re enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

just a quick vent about how I’ve been feeling about my mum for some time now. I’m 33 years old and have 1 brother, I live and work from home with parents (they’re separated, just cohabiting). I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together 2 years. He also lives at home with his sister (who travels frequently). His parents live abroad, so he is living at home quite comfortably. He is a business owner and is choosing to continue building his business while he has the safety net of his parents home. I would like to have and live in my own place before getting a place with my BF as I would like to learn and gain independence and truly step into my womanhood first (sometimes I feel like living at home has mentally stunted me. Also my mum treats me in quite a child like way).

Anyway my relationship with my mother is very strained at the best of times. She is 67, retired and doesn’t have much going for herself. Her days consist of doing a daily food shop and watching tv. She has friends but doesn’t socialise and family are all abroad. She has a huge expectation of me to fulfill all her needs; shopping, cooking, going out, travelling, errands, you name it and it makes me feel suffocated, but not only that, I have no desire to because of how she makes me feel. Honestly, I don’t think she did a great job of raising me. She never taught me life skills, how to cook, clean, never invested in my emotionally or spoke to me about boys, becoming a young woman, life skills and I can’t completely blame her because she was dealing with my alcoholic father. But she did manage to tell me about how distracted the teachers think I am, which I learnt in therapy is a result of the chaos I was raised in. I think I am white resentful about all of this. We live in a two bedroom house, she shares a bed with my dad which is also suffocating for her so its quite a conundrum. i feel like ever since i got with my boyfriend she has become quite bitter and nasty towards me. she constantly judges, and makes snide remarks about him, me, us. i notice a pattern in her behaviour alot of the time. she will bombard me with messages, if i dont respond, she’ll come to my room to ask about the messages, if i say im busy then shell go back to messaging me but this time saying things like "have you looked for a flat", "theres a property ive seen", almost as if shes throwing her toys out the pram about the fact that i cant speak at that time! then she’ll start attacking me personally, my bf, mentioning the fact that he doesnt have his own place and blah blah blah and honestly im sick of it. I’m in this nasty cycle that she has normalised. Arguing and being kind when she’s over it but I never get over it! It causes me to dislike her and not want to be anywhere near her and she doesn’t seem to understand why I prefer my own company than hers. i spend a lot of my days in solitude in my room. I’ve tried to speak to her about how she makes me feel but she dismisses it and thinks she can buy her way back into my good books. I’ve asked for space, I’ve told her I feel suffocated, don’t like how two faced she is about my bf, and quite frankly I don’t feel respected by her.

what can I do?

OP posts:
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Emiliaswrath · 28/08/2023 18:42

@Moonchild009 think you've had a bit of a hard time on here, although I do agree that you can't do anything about this situation until you move out. My mum is very similar to yours, and in my 20s pretty much monopolised my life even though I had my own place and children of my own. I eventually realised what was going on when it started to affect my children, as my mum would get very annoyed at them taking my attention away from her.
I started to pull away and put boundaries in place and there was a lot of drama, tears and snarky comments, but I held firm and she eventually got used to it. Best thing I did was move far enough away that she couldn't just turn up whenever she felt like it.
I still get snarky comments from time to time, usually when I get praise from someone else, I just grey rock and completely ignore.
It is very much like dealing with a toddler, reward the good behaviour with time and attention and step back and disengage when the bad behaviour starts lol 😆

RisingSunn · 28/08/2023 17:10

With all due respect your mother is emotionally immature (not meant disrespectfully - i’m in the same boat in this regard). So she WILL NOT CHANGE. She doesn’t know how to. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

So YOU have to create life outside of her with strong boundaries. But you are not willing to do the needful.

If you were so desperate to build a life - you would move slightly further a-field to purchase a property within your means. Starting your life would be a PRIORITY. You would get to enjoy her for who she is whilst being able to retreat to your safe space whenever you need.

Gellhell · 28/08/2023 16:39

*gave

Gellhell · 28/08/2023 16:39

I think because you moved abroad once and it went wrong you are scared of that happening again.
But it's unlikely to happen again. There are about 8 billion people living on the planet. Don't over focus on your mother. She have an avenue into the world. But she doesn't owe you anything now you are a grown up and same with you. You don't owe her anything either.

sodthesodoff · 28/08/2023 15:52

Jeez talk about arrested development

Oh and have you thought about... moving out?

scoobysnaxx · 28/08/2023 15:45

No it's really not 90% of the battle unless planning to cut her off or visit/speak once a year.

The overwhelming majority of people in therapy trying to manage complex interpersonal relationships are NOT living with them.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 28/08/2023 15:44

@Moonchild009 - This is going to be hard to hear - or, rather, hard to act upon:

Your mother will not change. Ever. To break away from her, you need to accept this and to make choices accordingly - ones that serve you and not her. You owe her nothing.

The danger you're facing is that you are so enmeshed with her, that you cannot see that you, like her, are resistant to change. You pay lip-service to change; you say you want to change. But in truth it's going to take more therapy to see that it is you, and really not your mother, who is the agent of your current predicament. If you weren't the agent of your current predicament - constantly drawn back towards her apron-strings - you'd be in a house-share right now, living your life, messaging her only when you wanted to, ignoring her guilt-trips, and refusing to pander to her manipulations.

This is what is so frustrating about reading your posts: you are so much more deeply involved than you are currently aware, and I'm hoping therapy will help you to see that eventually. Your only other role-model, your father, suffers from the same inertia and submissiveness. You will need to summon your own strength and will, grow the hell up, and get out of Dodge.

Gellhell · 28/08/2023 15:35

So you have lived apart from your mum in another country. How was your relationship then and why did you have to rebuild.
What happened?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 15:22

Well I lived abroad, came back and had to rebuild my life again. I also lost my job and didn’t get back into work for a year during the pandemic and had to live off the savings I had while supporting home at the time. I could have made better life choices but I chose to enjoy my life rather than think about my future I so I guess I’m dealing with the consequences now.

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 28/08/2023 15:12

Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 10:57

£20k

Is that all you've saved at 33 years old and hardly any living costs?

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 15:07

scoobysnaxx · 28/08/2023 14:52

Are people really this dense?

She's said moving out is a good idea. Obviously.

But she still needs to navigate a difficult relationship with her mother. That doesn't go away with moving out?!!

She's agreed she needs to move out.
She's taking steps to do so.

I seem to be one of the only people actually offering her advice on how to manage the relationship with her mother. Moving out is only half the battle!

No, moving out is probably 90% of the battle. And nothing will change until she’s moved out anyway so the ball needs to start rolling. Whilst the Op is living in her mum’s house paying minimal rent, her mum will continue to treat her like a teenager.

Flopsythebunny · 28/08/2023 15:06

Moonchild009 · 27/08/2023 21:54

Sorry forgot to add that I’m saving for a flat! So moving out isn’t an option for me right now.

So dont complain then!
Only you have the power to do something about it.
That something is move out into your own place.
You must have been saving up for 10+ years?

MrsMariaReynolds · 28/08/2023 14:59

You're 33, not 17. Just go. Surely after all that time living at home and working, you should have a pretty healthy nest egg set up, no?

Sticking around is just fueling this unhealthy dynamic of co-dependence between you and her. Seriously, go.

PinkArt · 28/08/2023 14:56

Agreed @scoobysnaxx, but until she moves out they don't have a hope in hell of changing anything else. It has to be the first change OP makes. Once they aren't in each others pockets in this strange enmeshed set up, then the OP will have the breathing space to work on boundaries and hopefully rebuilding a relationship with a healthier framework. For as long as she stays put though both she and her mum will keep seeing/ treating her as a teenager.

Starchipenterprise · 28/08/2023 14:54

I had a similar situation when I moved back home for a year. It was hard but I moved hundreds of miles away and never looked back aged 22. DM tried to get me to buy a relatives house, I resisted always felt if I had she would be sitting in my house when I got home. I even cancelled plans to start my own business as she insisted that she would come and be my assistant ! I was having none of that!

scoobysnaxx · 28/08/2023 14:52

Are people really this dense?

She's said moving out is a good idea. Obviously.

But she still needs to navigate a difficult relationship with her mother. That doesn't go away with moving out?!!

She's agreed she needs to move out.
She's taking steps to do so.

I seem to be one of the only people actually offering her advice on how to manage the relationship with her mother. Moving out is only half the battle!

FarmGirl78 · 28/08/2023 14:47

If you hadn't put your age I would have guessed 19ish, I could guess 23 at a push but not 33.

YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT.

You have realised that you're not going to change her behaviour so you need to either accept it or avoid it. The only way to avoid it is to move out. You might be saving for a flat but continuing to live at home is severely limiting you. You're a fully grown adult living like a very inexperienced 19 year old. Doesn't matter if you're saving, you NEED to move out for your own good.

Toddlerteaplease · 28/08/2023 14:46

She comes on work trips with you?! That's very odd.

Toddlerteaplease · 28/08/2023 14:44

Grow a pair and move out. You are 33 for goodness sake.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 28/08/2023 14:40

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 14:27

If you work from home, presumably you don’t have to live in London?

Ha! Missed this bit!

Alfiemoon1 · 28/08/2023 14:33

But once you move out you can set the boundaries with your dm and she will have to be less dependent on you

Blondewithredlips · 28/08/2023 14:31

Move out and pay rent like most people do.

Gellhell · 28/08/2023 14:29

Op tough love with your mum. She can't have your spare room. Make up a reason why. I think you feel oddly responsible for her. Probably from childhood. You shouldn't. Time to break the apron strings. Good luck xx

Shinyandnew1 · 28/08/2023 14:27

If you work from home, presumably you don’t have to live in London?

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 28/08/2023 14:24

Moonchild009 · 28/08/2023 14:18

Thankyou! That’s what I’ve been trying to explain - yes moving out will allow me to have privacy, space, freedom, independence etc which is huge but she still very much relies on me to be her single source of social output. She has already mentioned if I purchase a two bedroom flat, she’ll take the second room. When I mention hobbies, socialising, companionship to her she’s uninterested and tells me to focus on my own life. Seems I’ve completely missed the mark in articulating this so thank you for understanding.

also i go to the same destination when I go on these work trips.

You are obviously unwilling to move out either to an affordable area, or to a rented property.

All the best OP, life isn’t going to change for you.

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